Better Buffy Fiction Archive Entry

 

Say Eh-Oh to the Chosen One


by Ducks


One fine day in Teletubbyland, Po went for a ride on her scooter. She rode up and down the rolling paths, avoiding the hypno-whirlygigs and weaving in and out of the prolific Bunnizens of Teletubbyland. "Faster, Faster!" She cried happily! Then, "Slower, Slower!"

Suddenly, Po came upon a rather stuffy looking man in a tweed suit, sitting on a rock, reading, and looking very serious.

"Wassat?" Po asked, pointing at the studious gentleman.

*That's a Watcher, Po. His name is Mr. Giles.*

"Wacha? Gye-ews?"

*That's right, Po.*

Po rode her scooter around and around the Watcher, wondering whatever he could be for. Then, Giles noticed Po, and jumped from his seat.

"Ah, Good, Po!" said the Watcher, "I'm glad I found you!"

Po cocked her head curiously.

"I have been sent to find you, for you have a great destiny. You are the chosen one. The one girl in all the world who can fight the vampires and the forces of darkness!" said the Watcher. Po cocked her head the other way.

"Dessinnee?" she asked.

"That's right!" said the Watcher, pulling a big, pointy stake from the pocket of his patchy-sleeved blazer, "This is for you -- to help you fulfill your sacred duty!" He offered the pointy stake to Po.

Po eagerly dumped her scooter and pointed at the stake.

"Whassat?" she asked.

*That is a stake, Po.*

"A sake?" she asked.

*That's right, Po. It is for turning blood sucking demons into dust.*

Po jumped up and down, grabbing the stake and prancing away, singing a song about bud- sucking.

The Watcher took up the scooter and rode away.

Later, it was long past TubbyByeBye, and Po was out patrolling the Teletubby graveyard. She danced and sang her bud-sucking song, until she came upon a man, dressed in a long black velvet coat, sitting on a gravestone, looking very sad.

"Wassat?" Po asked.

*That is Angel, Po.

" Angoe? He look sad..." Po said.

* That's right, Po. He is a vampire. He is brooding.*

"Wassa matta?" Po asked.

"I am tortured because I have murdered hundreds of people in cold blood." said Angel.

"Mahdah?" Po asked.

Angel nodded sullenly.

"Bud-sucking?" Po asked.

Angel nodded again. "Plus, I'm in love with a human girl 1/20th my age." he added.

"Jaew Bait?" Po asked.

*That's right, Po. Angel is old enough to be her distant ancestor.*

"Angoe bad." Po said sadly, and plunged her pointy stake right into his heart. The sad, bud- sucking, cradle-robbing vampire turned to a nasty grey dust.

"Achoo!" said Po, "Ahgone!"

And Po danced away down the path.

A little while later, Po came upon a beautiful girl with long brown hair, who was fixing her mascara in the reflection of the wading pool.

"Bud sucker?" asked Po.

The evil MoonBaby up above snickered.

*No, Po. That's Cordelia. She is a Space Cadet and a fashion slave.*

"Fasson slay?" Po asked.

"Duh!" said Cordelia, "I mean, look at me! Although, I don't imagine you'd know a hot look if it kicked you in your rather ample, felt-clad, butt!"

"Beeitch!" Po said happily.

*That's right, Po. Cordelia is a self-absorbed megalomaniac.*

"Meggomanyak?" Po said, and danced on down the lane.

Soon she came upon a cute red-headed girl, who sat on a rock, petting a bunny with one hand, and clicking the keys on a laptop computer with the other.

"Wassat?" Po asked.

"I'm Willow." said the girl.

"Wiwow?" Po asked.

*That's right, Po. Willow is a computer gee...genius. And A Witch!*

"Wiss?" Po asked.

"Well, kind of." Willow said, "I'm still learning..."

With that, Willow turned her laptop toward Po, and the movie sound began to come from it. Po rubbed her tummy as the PC Projector began to play a movie on it.

The opening sequence of BtVS appeared on the little screen, with Po's picture in the Slayer's place. The Tweed Watcher's voice said:

"In each generation, there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer..." and the theme music played, showing scenes of Po's heroic deeds battling the forces of darkness.

Po jumped up and down happily.

"Again! Again!" said Po.

The scene played again, and Po and Willow boogied down to the funky Nerf Herder theme song. When it was finished, Po waved to Willow, who of course waved back, and skipped happily down the path.

Just then, she came to a boy, sitting at a picnic table littered with empty bowls and Tubby Toast crumbs. He was wolfing down yet another bowl of Tubby custard.

"Wassat?" Po asked.

*That is Xander.*

"Zandah?"

*That's right. He's the resident zeppo, snack-getter...and, uh...eater, and the jokester.*

"Joksah?" Po asked.

"Hey!" snapped Xander, "I'll have you know that Zeppo was a very important part of the the...heeyyyy... you know, you're quite the hotty..."

*Xander...*

"Look at those eyes!" He gushed at Po, "That red felt skin! The TV in her tummy! That stake..." Xander nearly salivated.

"Ewww!" said Po, and pranced away.

It was getting close to dawn. The evil moon baby yawned. As Po danced down the path, holding her pointy stake, she started to see mutilated bunny corpses littering the green fields.

"Wassat?" Po asked, plugging her nose against the horrible smell of decay.

*Those are mutilated bunny corpses.*

"Mooteyated bunnee copsis?"

*That's right. It looks like they were eaten!*

"Ewwww!" said Po.

Suddenly, the Watcher came out from behind a nearby tree, against which the scooter was parked. He was reading a big book with the words, "Ye Olde Mysterees" on the cover.

"Po! Good! I'm glad you are here. All of the Tubby Bunnies seem to be disappearing across Teletubbyland. It seems some carnivorous beast is devouring them for their pleasing tubby goodness. I suggest you follow the trail of bodies and find out what foul fiend is perpetrating this evil deed!"

Po looked at him in bewilderment. "Puppatwaiting evew deed?" she asked.

"Eh... that is... find out who's eating the bunnies!" Giles clarified.

"Ohhhhh." Po said, and skipped on down the trail.

The sun was almost up when Po found a giant wolf standing on two legs, chowing down on a Tubby Bunny.

"Doggie?" Po asked.

*RUN, PO, RUN!!!*

But before Po could run, the wolf began to change. In just a moment, a naked boy with pointy red hair stood where the monster had been, two fistfuls of bloody bunny corpses in his hands.

"Huh." said the boy, "Chewy."

"Wassat?" Po asked.

*That's Oz.*

"Oz?" Po asked. "Doggie?"

*Oz is a werewolf.*

"Oh." said Po, who didn't know what a warewoof was.

"Yup. That's me." said Oz, turning and walking away, unabashedly naked.

Suddenly, the hypno-whirlygigs began to hum and sputter.

"Time for Tubby Bye Bye! Time for Tubby Bye Bye! Time for Tubby Bye Bye!"

"Awww." said Po, and trotted back toward the Tubbytronic Superdome.

Near the hideyhole where the Tubbies came in and out, Po met the other Teletubbies, who were just getting up.

"Po!" They all said excitedly, and ran to hug her.

"Wassat?" They asked, pointing to Po's stake.

"Sake. Sake fo saying bud-suckas. Po chosen one." Po said matter-of-factly.

"Sake! Bud-suckas! Chosen One!" the other Tubbies cried, giggling.

Po hugged her stake proudly, then jumped down the hole.

As the sun begins to rise, Po the Vampire Slayer says bye bye!

Until the moon rises tomorrow night, when Po wields her stake to make things right.

When the evil MoonBaby rises, darkness walks, but the Chosen One never balks!

Be it the Master, Trick or Spike, Po battles evil with all her might!

When the shiny day is done, it's time to remember:

There can be only one!