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The Monster
by Miranda
When I went to pull him down from the cross, he flinched away. Maybe he
could tell that what I really wanted to do was hit him.
Naturally, I didn't. How could I? Injure somebody already so hurt in
body, mind, and now, I guess, soul? That would make me more of a monster
than any of the ones I've fought.
But I wanted to. I wanted to batter that lost, unhappy face into an
unrecognizable pulp kind of like I did before in the alley. I'm sure
that makes me a monster too.
Know what? I don't care. Because I didn't ask him to do this. I never
said, "Gosh, Spike, if only you had a soul, we'd settle down and be
happy ever after."
I never asked him for any of it, not to show up in Sunnydale with
Drusilla, not to get chipped by the Initiative, not to fall in love with
me.
Yeah, I used him to help fight Glory - the world was going to end which
would have affected him too. Plus, which one of us jumped off that
tower? Here's a hint. It wasn't him.
I used him when I came back too. So shoot me for trying to find a reason
to not walk in front of a bus. I knew it wrong while I was doing it, but
for once, I was simply too weak to care. He knew it was wrong as much as
I did. I never lied to him, never said it was love, and he was happy
enough to take what I offered. Even when I got my head together enough
to stop it for good, Spike didn't want to. Boy, did he not want to.
I told him not to love me. I warned him, and it wasn't like he didn't
have examples of what happens to men who get involved with me.
I can still see Riley beat his hand into the wall, hear him explain how
he can't have his surgery because it would make him too weak to hold my
interest. I can still see Angel heading away into the night for my own
good.
Fuck them. I didn't ask for any of that stuff. I didn't want Riley to be
Superstud or Angel to leave. They came up with those ideas by
themselves, like Spike and his soul, but somehow it's all my fault and I
have to deal with the fallout.
Good old Parker. At least, he just took off without making me
responsible for everything that happens his life.
`Can we rest now?' News flash, Spike. I was resting. I was finally over
being resurrected, Dawn and I were getting along, and I had a job that
wasn't grease-intensive. My life was as stable as it ever got. Now,
you're back and everything is very not restful.
Oh, you offered to leave if I said so, putting whatever happened after
that on me too. And now I have to worry about you and your brand new
soul. The one you got for me. The way I didn't ask you to.
The ghosts in the school blamed me for their deaths. Everyone else
blames me for their lives. Am I a monster for not wanting this?
Probably. But I can't seem to care.
The End
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