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Queer Eye for the Spike Guy
by Michael Weaver
Summary: The Fab 5 have a challenge on their hands.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: No ownership of characters, decorating tips, the word "queer", and no liability for employment of any makeover suggestions herein. Writing for entertainment purposes only.
Distribution: Here, at Buffy/Angel Fiction Archive and at Better Buffy Fics. Feel free to link to this page. Contact for archiving.
Feedback: Encouraged. redsrule1@yahoo.com
Completed: April 30, 2004
Opening
[Tight shot, front of minivan, the licence plate clearly in focus. It would normally be a New York plate reading "Fab 5" but is instead a California plate with indiscriminate numbers. Due to the tightness of the shot, we can only see the feet of the Fab 5 as they rush up to the van, open the doors, and climb in.]
[Interior of van. Thom driving, Carson in front passenger seat, Jai and Kyan in seats behind, Ted in third row seat, leaning over the back of Jai and Kyan's seats.]
[Shot of Carson reading from papers in folder, then cut to show each speaker as he speaks.]
CARSON: Okay, people, today we have one Mr. William T. Bloody, alias "Spike". This is the only photo we've got.
[Superimpose an 1800's vintage sepia daguerreotype photo of William as Carson hands the printed photo to Jai.]
JAI: What, is this one of those amusement park "Old West" photos?
TED [looking over Jai's shoulder]: Guess we've got our work cut out for us.
[Jai hands photo back to Carson]
KYAN: Hey, I didn't see it!
TED: You don't want to.
KYAN: Yikes.
CARSON: Says he was once a poet --
JAI: That's something, anyway.
CARSON: --and a "Population Control Manager".
TED: Whatever that means.
CARSON: He's also been a "Champion" -- doesn't say of what -- "and Savior Of The World".
THOM: Well, SOMEone thinks quite a bit of himself!
CARSON: And he currently works at a law firm.
THOM: THAT explains it.
CARSON: He's got a lady friend coming into town from Europe, and he wants to make a big impression.
JAI: So our mission today is to turn "Doc Holliday" into "Doctor Love!"
[Roll opening theme, titles]
Act One
[The van pulls to a stop in front of the "Wolfram And Hart" law firm. The Fab 5 jump out of the van and race inside the front door. Carson, leading the way, spreads his arms, stopping the others.]
CARSON: Quiet, now. His co-worker set this up, so he doesn't know we're coming.
[Fab 5 continue walking to reception desk in mock-sneaking fashion.]
HARMONY [squealing with excitement]: Oh my gawd! It's queer guys! [covers her mouth in embarrassment, continues in a whisper] I mean, you're gay.
THOM: It's okay, honey, we already knew that.
HARMONY [hopping with excitement]: I mean, I mean, you're queer guys on the TV.
CARSON: We're queer on all the furniture, sweetie. Now where is William?
JAI: Spike. He likes to be called Spike.
HARMONY: You're here to fix up "Blondie Bear"? Oh, thank God. 'Cause, like if he wears that duster one more day without cleaning it I swear to God I'm gonna hurl!
[Harmony leads them sneakily to Angel's office door]
KYAN [behind the others, whispering to Jai]: The secretary has a pet name for him?
JAI [whispering]: And apparently she's NOT the one this is for.
KYAN and JAI [look at one another for a moment, then in unison]: EX!
HARMONY [knocking on Angel's office door]: Hey, boss?
[Carson pushes past Harmony and throws the double doors open with both hands like old west saloon doors.]
CARSON: Oh, I LOVE the double doors -- perfect drama queen entrance!
ANGEL: Hey!
[The Fab 5 and Harmony enter Angel's office, where Spike, Wesley, Fred, Gunn, Lorne, and (surprisingly) Clem are standing or sitting]
SPIKE: Bloody hell! They're here! They actually came!
LORNE [standing and extending his arms in welcome]: Guys! You made it!
JAI: What a fantastic office!
ANGEL [to Wesley]: I recognize them. They're those "Queer Eye" guys, aren't they? They're not here to do me, are they?
THOM: Honey, with this office and those clothes, you don't need us!
CARSON: Your taste is as good as ours! Look at what he's wearing!
KYAN [to Clem]: You must be the one we're here for. And do we have work to do! Whatever you're using to wash your face, we need to stop it immediately, bro'!
CLEM [smiling broadly and vigorously shaking Kyan's hand]: Really? So what do you recommend?
JAI: That's not him, Kyan.
KYAN: Oh, good, 'cause this was gonna take a "Continued Next Week".
WESLEY: They're not here to do ME, are they?
THOM: The name of the show is "Queer Eye For The STRAIGHT Guy", honey.
TED [to Fred]: The craft table is this way, dear.
KYAN: So who's Spike?
LORNE: See the guy there who looks like Billy Idol?
SPIKE: Hey, HE stole MY look! I had it first.
KYAN: Oh. I thought you said he didn't know about this.
[freeze picture of Spike, superimpose introduction card reading: "Straight Guy: William 'Spike' Bloody"]
CARSON: Spike wrote to us originally but it was Lorne here who set the whole thing up. [explaining to Angel, Fred, Gunn and Clem] We don't usually leave New York, but I owed Lorne a favor so here we are!
GUNN: So you guys know Lorne? You know about demons, then?
CARSON: How else do you explain Sarah Jessica Parker's dress at any given awards show?
GUNN: And you know your subject is a vampire?
CARSON: No, but we do now!
TED: So that picture really WAS a daguerreotype, and not a novelty photo.
ANGEL [to Lorne]: So what's this favor you did for Carson?
LORNE: Oh, it was -- well, back in the day. Let's just say we both knew some guys.
JAI: Okay, people, we need to get going! We have to check out Spike's place, and then out for shopping!
LORNE: Ooh, can I come, too?
CARSON: One of me per episode is enough, Key Lime Pie.
[Cut to exterior shot of a mausoleum in a graveyard. The van pulls up in front.]
[Cut to interior shot of the Fab 5 and Spike in the van as before, except Spike is in the front passenger seat and Carson is in back with Ted.]
SPIKE: This is it. Here we are.
JAI: WHERE we are?
SPIKE: This is where I live. Right there.
CARSON: You SO did not just say you live in that tomb.
SPIKE: Why not? I'm dead, remember?
TED: I can't imagine why the women aren't flocking to his door.
JAI: Do women actually "flock"?
TED: You're asking ME?
[All exit van, and Spike leads Fab 5 to the door of the crypt and shoves it open. They all enter.]
TED: Don't you lock the door?
SPIKE: Who's gonna break in here?
TED: Good point.
THOM: Oh my God, this place is like -- a tomb!
SPIKE: It IS a tomb, you git.
[jump cut to each speaker as he speaks]
THOM: It's all -- like -- one room -- and it's built of stone blocks.
[Freeze shot of Thom, superimpose Introduction Card reading "Thom -- Interior Design". Unfreeze as he begins speaking again.]
THOM: It's like living on "The Flintstones".
CARSON: Okay, where's your wardrobe?
SPIKE [indicating the clothes he's wearing]: You're lookin' at it.
[Freeze shot of Carson with horrified look on his face. Introduction Card: "Carson -- Fashion"]
[As shot unfreezes, Carson falls backward in a feinted faint, Thom catches him.]
SPIKE: Wull, there's more clothes in the basement, if that's what you mean.
THOM: Oh, there's a basement? I can hardly wait to see that.
KYAN [holding a bottle of peroxide]: Spike? We seriously need to talk.
[Freeze Kyan, Introduction Card: "Kyan -- Grooming"]
SPIKE: Hey, where'd you get that?
KYAN: They're all over the place!
JAI [sitting on floor, leafing through a notebook]: "Effulgent?"
[Freeze Jai, Introduction Card: "Jai -- Culture"]
JAI: This is really bad.
TED: Do you even HAVE a kitchen?
[Freeze Ted, Introduction Card: "Ted -- Food And Wine"]
TED: Do you have a pantry?
SPIKE: Yeah, s' wot I use that coffin for.
TED: Okay, first lesson? Do not store your food with the deceased. --Unless they ARE your food, but let's not even go there.
THOM [picking empty beer bottles off the floor and dropping them into a trash can]: The living room is not a garbage can, the living room is not a garbage can, the --
JAI [to Carson, as they descend ladder to the basement]: I didn't know tombs HAD basements.
CARSON: Neither did I.
TED [looking cautiously into coffin]: Oh, thank God, it's unoccupied.
THOM: ...not a garbage can, the living room is not -- [picks up cigarette butt] -- nor is it to be used as an ash tray!
JAI: Here it is! [steps up to a wardrobe and opens its door. Carson shrieks]
KYAN [wandering around as though looking for something]: Bathroom, bathroom -- Do vampires even NEED a bathroom?
TED [rummaging through contents of coffin]: Doritos, Doritos, Jaffa Cakes, Doritos...
CARSON [standing in front of open wardrobe containing a number of t-shirts and pants, all black and all the same style]: I've seen this before in cartoons and comic strips, but...
JAI: Boy, he wasn't kidding when he said "You're lookin' at it".
[Kyan walks up to where Thom is collecting garbage and drops an armload of peroxide bottles into the garbage can]
TED [holding a bag over his head in triumph]: I found tortillas!
JAI [sitting down in one of the only two chairs in the upstairs room, motioning Spike to sit in the other chair]: I wanted to talk to you a little bit, get more of a feel for what we're trying to accomplish.
SPIKE: A'right.
JAI: I understand that Buffy is coming to town for a business meeting with your people at Wolfram And Hart.
SPIKE: Yeah. Some big strategy meeting about fighting some "Big Bad."
JAI: But you have other, more personal hopes for this visit, right?
SPIKE: Right. I want you to help me with Buffy. I want to see if there could be something between her and me.
JAI: So what are you hoping we can do for you?
SPIKE: Wull, she's still carryin' a torch for that poofy Angel, i'n't she? I figured if that's the sort of bloke she wants, then I'd have some real poofters poof me up a bit.
JAI: So you want to be more like Angel.
SPIKE [scoffs]: Oh, HELL no. I just want you to make me more-- more--
JAI: Classy? Romantic?
SPIKE: Yeah, but in a butch way. Don't want to be TOO much like him.
JAI [mostly to himself]: Sounds like we should get to know Angel...
SPIKE: Besides, you guys gotta help me figure out how to let Buffy know I'm alive.
JAI: Oh, she doesn't pay a lot of attention to you, huh?
SPIKE: No. She REALLY doesn't know I exist.
JAI: Doesn't notice you. Looks right past you. Got it.
SPIKE: No, you HAVEN'T got it, mate. She thinks I'm dead.
JAI: Oh, right. So she knows you're a vampire.
SPIKE [rolling his eyes. Speaks as if to a child of less-than-average intelligence]: No, she thinks the VAMPIRE died. Blew up. Kapow. Incinerated. Poof -- not like you, like in dust. She thinks that I am bereft of life, I rest in peace, that I am an ex-vampire. She thinks I got burned up saving the world. Which I did, actually.
JAI: You did?
SPIKE [nods]: Got better. But she don't know that.
JAI: Ah. Oh. OH! Oh, my God. [cups hands around his mouth and shouts]: Thom, Kyan, Ted, Carson! Hey, guys, group meeting. We've got a MAJOR problem here!
[camera cuts to Carson hearing Jai shout]
CARSON [to himself, disdainfully dropping some of Spike's clothes into a pile]: You're telling me. You'd think that after 100-plus years he'd have a clue by now.
[Fab 5 and Spike stand in a circle facing one another]
CARSON: She doesn't even know you're ALIVE?!?
TED: How do you plan to spring this piece of news on her?
SPIKE: Dunno. 'S'what I got you for.
KYAN: So you're going to shock her with the news that you're not dead, then bring her back to a tomb.
SPIKE: Could go to the apartment, I guess.
THOM: There's an apartment?
SPIKE: Yeah. This bloke was payin' for it but he turned out to be evi-- 'tho' he DID try to kill Angel, so maybe he's all ri-- well, let's just say he's not payin' for it any more. Didn't know how long it was paid for so I moved out before they tried to kick me out -- not that they could, mind you, but--
JAI: Is the apartment available for tonight?
SPIKE: Um, yeah, I guess so.
JAI: That might help lessen the shock.
TED: And we may not have to cook on a bunsen burner.
THOM: Okay, got it. You guys go ahead and take Spike out. I'll check out the apartment and meet up with you. Okay?
JAI: Let's go, guys!
CARSON [taking Spike's arm]: C'mon, Spikey, we're going to introduce you to a brand new concept called "color"!
[Cut to "QE" logo, "Straight Ahead" title card on screen. Cut to scene of Spike getting his hair washed at a salon, Kyan sitting next to him]
KYAN: Oh, there'll be no more bleach in your hair.
SPIKE: WHAT?!?
[Cut to commercial.]
End of Act One
****************************************************************************
Act Two
[Fade in with "QE" logo. Cut to head shot of each interviewee with respective designations superimposed at bottom of screen.]
THE FRIEND
ANGEL: "Friend"? No, we're not friends.
THE CO-WORKER
GUNN: Spike's all right, I guess, although he's got that whole punk rock thing going on which was cool at the time but it's kinda over now.
THE GIRLFRIEND
BUFFY: I was never technically his girlfriend.
THE COLLEAGUE
ANGEL: Actually, I'm more like his boss.
THE CO-WORKER
FRED: Well, he was incorporeal for a while so you really can't blame him unless that was his look BEFORE he was incorporeal in which case I guess you CAN blame him although maybe there's some mystical attachment to those particular--
THE CO-WORKER
LORNE: I don't know why he didn't just come to ME in the first place. I could have helped him out.
[Cut to Ted and Spike at an internationally themed store.]
TED: I had to do a little thinking about what to prepare for your dinner--
SPIKE: Oh, you're gonna cook for us? Thanks, mate.
TED: Let me rephrase that: I should have said "what YOU'RE going to prepare for dinner."
SPIKE [scoffs]: Not much.
TED: Precisely. I'm sensing that patience is not your strong suit, so we want a dish that's quick and easy.
SPIKE: Mac and cheese is pretty easy. I've made that before. We can even get it in pre-cooked frozen packages so all I gotta do is put 'em in the microwave.
[Ted narrows his eyes and glares at Spike for a moment.]
SPIKE: What?
TED: The only part of that sentence I plan to acknowledge is the fact that it's encouraging that you at least know how to boil water and use a microwave.
SPIKE [muttering]: Burned the mac and cheese a few times...
[Ted opens his mouth to ask "how on earth could you possibly burn instant mac and cheese" but just shakes his head, thinking better of it.]
TED: From what I've found in your pantry...coffin... I'm guessing you like spicy foods, so--
SPIKE: Right! Hot wings! Now we're talkin'!
TED: Mmmm, we're going for a little more elegance than that.
SPIKE: I know! Show me how to make one o' those Bloomin' Onions!
TED: I was actually thinking more along the lines of--
SPIKE: C'mon, mate, show me the Bloomin' Onion.
TED: Does SHE like them?
SPIKE: Hell if I-- uh, yeah. They're her fave.
TED: Onions are not really the food most conducive to romance. We want her to swoon from passion, not from your breath.
SPIKE: Don't HAVE to breathe, mate.
TED: True, but SHE does.
[Cut to Ted and Spike picking out glassware.]
TED: I didn't see anything in the way of glasses, or dishes, or silverware at your place.
SPIKE: Don't really entertain much.
TED: Well, you're entertaining tonight. Now, as for glassware, for certain drinks you need certain glasses. First, for--
SPIKE: You don't date much, do you?
[Cut to Ted and Spike in spice section of the store.]
TED: Okay, we've got the rice, we've got the cubed chicken, and here's some curry. Now we need to go get the vegetables.
SPIKE [groaning]: Do we HAVE to have vegetables?
TED: Even though you're the undead, and technically what you do or do not eat won't KILL you, you still need to eat healthy. For instance, I don't know how old your friend Angel was when he was turned, but unless he was in his forties, he's definitely showing signs of aging.
SPIKE: Yeah, I'd call 'em laugh lines if he ever did...
[Freeze frame, superimpose "Hip Tip" card reading: "Nutrition: even vampires need their vitamins"]
TED: And you need to be careful, 'cause you're starting to show some signs of aging, yourself.
[Cut to Spike and Ted in the produce section of the store.]
[Ted holds up a cucumber.]
SPIKE: That for me or for you?
[Cut to exterior sidewalk, Ted walking with an armload of grocery bags, Spike underneath a cloak and walking with considerably more impatience. They meet Carson.]
TED: We're finished, so he's all yours!
CARSON: Great!
[Carson leads Spike toward the entrance of a clothing store.]
CARSON [stopping at the front door]: I chose this store because it has a whole line of clothes from casual to formal, and--
SPIKE [shoving past Carson and bulldozing through the door]: Outta the way!
[Cut to Carson and Spike inside the clothing store.]
CARSON: Okay, first of all, we need to do something about the all-black thing.
SPIKE: It's my look, mate.
CARSON: And it's a fabulous look for you. You're a hottie with that duster and black shirt and jeans. But most people who are NOT cartoon characters have more than one look. So what we're going to do is to create new looks for you simply by varying the theme, okay? Let's start with this bomber jacket.
[Spike takes off his duster and puts on the black leather bomber jacket Carson hands to him.]
CARSON: There you go! Same look but now we have some variety. Take a look in the mirror and see-- oh, right. Okay, well THAT explains a lot. What, did you just find one good look thirty years ago and kept it ever since?
SPIKE: Wull, yeah.
CARSON: And yet, somehow, you make it work.
SPIKE: Look who's talking. I've seen some of the stuff YOU wear. Not sure that qualifies you to be the fashion consultant.
CARSON: I make it work too, honey. Now let's try a little color with these shirts.
[Cuts of Spike trying his black jeans and bomber jacket with t-shirts and crew shirts of various colors: royal blue, red, grey, silver, orange.]
CARSON: You like these?
SPIKE: Yeah, these are okay. I still look butch, though, right? Don't wanna look TOO much like Angel.
CARSON: You're still hot. You try that silver one again and I'LL go to bed with you. Matter of fact, you try ANY of 'em again and I'll go to bed with you.
SPIKE [muttering]: Not sure if that's actually good or not...
CARSON: Sweetie, if a gay man thinks you're hot, you're hot. Now try these on.
[Carson hands spike a pair of white denim jeans and Spike goes into the dressing room stall to try them on.]
SPIKE [from stall]: These are a little too tight.
CARSON [smiling, raising his eyebrows in anticipation]: Really? Let me see! [grabs the top of the stall door and pulls himself up to see over the top] Woo! You're too big for those pants, all right.
[Spike hits the door with the side of his fist hard enough to knock Carson off the door.]
SPIKE [muttering]: Bloody poofter.
[Spike tries on various colors of shirts and khaki pants with both the duster and the bomber jacket. Superimpose "hip tip" card reading "Variations On A Theme: different colors can turn one look into many".]
[Cut to Carson and Spike with various shopping bags, standing near the front door.]
CARSON: Now there's one more thing. Do you own a motorcycle?
SPIKE: Uh, DID have one. Got swallowed up along with the rest of Sunnydale.
CARSON: Well, you're gonna pretend you've still got one. First, put this on over your head. It's like a ski cap but it's what race car drivers wear under their crash helmets. It will cover your neck and face except for around the eyes.
SPIKE [eyeing Carson suspiciously but putting on the ski cap]: Okay...
CARSON: Now put this motorcycle helmet on over top. I've had the visor reinforced so that no sunlight will penetrate. So just make sure you wear the visor down.
SPIKE [nodding]: Now I get it. [puts on the helmet]
CARSON: And now all you need are these leather driving gloves, and you're all set. No more cloak!
SPIKE [putting on gloves]: That's a bit of all right, that is. Okay, mate, you're qualified to be fashion consultant in my book.
CARSON: I'm actually surprised that no one thought of this before.
SPIKE: Vampires on the whole are not the most creative of thinkers. --They're not the most THINKING of thinkers, come to that.
[Cut to exterior shot, outside the store's front door. Spike tentatively cracks the door open and reaches a hand out into the sunlight. He pulls the hand back and sticks his helmeted and visored head out. Carson shoves him all the way out of the door. Spike whirls on him but stops as he realizes that Carson's idea is working. The two of them walk down the sidewalk a bit carrying the shopping bags, Spike strutting proudly in his new sun-proof outfit. They meet Thom on the street.]
THOM: Carson, where is Spike? This can't be him walking around in the daylight! Spike? Spike? Where are you? Is that really you under there? [starts to lift visor to peek under]
SPIKE: Yeah. Hey! [smacks Thom's hand away] Stop that! Only problem is I can't bite anyone with the visor down.
[Cut to exterior shot of furniture store as Thom and Spike go inside.]
[Cut to Thom and Spike inside the furniture store.]
THOM: Okay, now since I actually have TWO places to fix up for you, we don't have a lot of time together, so you're going to have to trust my judgement a bit.
SPIKE: S'Okay. If I don't like what you do, I can always have fun trashing the place.
THOM: Yeah. Great. That's a comforting thought. Anyway, we want some furniture which reflects your personality, but will also make Buffy feel comfortable and at home. This store has lots of art deco pieces, lots of black and white, in some classic and some avant garde styles.
SPIKE: Yeah, that sounds cool.
THOM [indicating a bed]: Now this four-poster bed has a steel frame, so it's good and sturdy. With a Vampire and a Slayer, I'm thinking sturdy is good.
SPIKE [hopping onto bed and spreading his arms and legs toward the four posts.] Comfy. [looks at the posts] And handy.
THOM: Okay, you need to get out of the bed now. I'm getting ideas.
SPIKE: It took you this long?
[Cut to Thom and Spike looking at an avant-garde molded plastic chair.]
SPIKE [sitting in chair]: Well this is just -- neat.
THOM: The important thing here is that this chair is plastic. In fact, there is no wooden furniture anywhere in this store. It's all molded plastic or metal. I've never understood why you vampires always seem to have wooden furniture around.
SPIKE [shrugs]: More plentiful, I s'pose. Easier to steal.
THOM: Right. But still, it's like me having furniture made of swords and knives, you know?
[Freeze picture, superimpose "Hip Tip" card reading "Defensive Decorating: avoid furniture that can kill you."]
SPIKE: Never really thought of it that way. Slayers always tend to find a convenient wooden table leg around, don't they?
[Cut to exterior shot of Kyan meeting Spike and Thom outside of a salon.]
KYAN [indicating Spike's sunproof motorcycle outfit]: This is a great idea! How's it working?
SPIKE: Not ashes yet. Beats the hell outa the cloak.
THOM: Well, I gotta go, guys. Got lots of work to do. Kyan, he's all yours. [leaves]
SPIKE [following Kyan into salon]: Grooming advisor, I fear you more than any gay man I have seen today.
KYAN: I'll bet you do.
[Interior shot of salon, Spike seated in barber chair with apron on, Kyan and female hairdresser standing behind him, running their fingers through Spike's hair.]
KYAN: See, Rachel, his hair is like straw. Spike, you've been bleaching your hair for how long?
SPIKE: Probably longer than you've been alive, mate.
RACHEL: Wow, you look very young and well-preserved for your age.
SPIKE: Apparently not as well-preserved as I used to be, according to Ted.
KYAN: Okay, so we have to start reversing thirty years of damage to your hair. We need some aggressive conditioning.
RACHEL: We're going to use a hot oil conditioner here, then we'll see about that coloring.
KYAN: Right. We want to try to reverse the bleaching and get him back to his natural color.
SPIKE: There's a REASON I bleach my hair -- it's because I don't LIKE my natural color. I like the bleach.
KYAN: Oh, there'll be no more bleach in your hair.
SPIKE: WHAT?!? [voice approaching a growl] I said I LIKE the bleach.
KYAN: No more bleach.
SPIKE [rising menacingly]: I SAID--
KYAN: No more bleach.
SPIKE [sitting down, realizing Kyan won't back down]: Aw, c'mon, mate, can't I 'ave just a lit'le bit o'--
KYAN: NO BLEACH!
[Spike slumps in the chair, pouting, with arms crossed.]
[Various jump cuts: Spike with foil wraps in his hair, Spike sitting under a hair dryer reading "Soap Opera Digest" with a lead article about "Passions", Rachel trimming and styling Spike's hair.]
[Cut to Kyan and Spike looking at various hair and skin care products on display shelves.]
KYAN [picking up a bottle]: Okay, now, this is--
SPIKE: How's my hair look, mate?
KYAN: I told you, it looks great. Much better. It's not quite your natural color, but it's not that horrible bleach color either. And the condition is already much better, too. Now, this bottle here is--
SPIKE: It's not hair gel, is it? I don't have use some nancy-boy hair gel, do I?
KYAN: It's not hair gel. It's--
SPIKE: Good. Gotta draw the line SOMEwhere.
KYAN: This is self-tanning lotion. We want you have some color 'cause --like-- you have none. A real tan is obviously out of the question, and I'm not willing to risk tanning beds either.
SPIKE: Might as well put me in a crematorium.
KYAN: Right. But as good as self-tanning products are these days, there's no reason for you to look so-- so-- undead. We're gonna put some on your face and neck and hands now, and later after you shower, I want you to reapply.
[Superimpose "hip tip" card reading: "Tanning Products: just because you're dead doesn't mean you have to look like it"]
SPIKE: What if I turn orange? I'll look like a jack-o-lantern when I go vamp-face.
KYAN: A high-quality product like this won't turn you orange. You're going to be the most well-tanned vampire since George Hamilton. Okay, let's go turn you over to Jai now!
[Cut to Spike meeting Jai outside a sports-bar type restaurant. They go inside.]
[Cut to interior shot, Jai and Spike sitting at a table with pen and paper.]
JAI: Before Clem gets here, we need to write a letter to Buffy letting her know that you're alive and that you still have feelings for her, so that she's not completely blindsided when she sees you.
SPIKE: 'kay. What'cha got in mind? "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're still alive, now I am too?"
JAI [grinning]: That's pretty good, but we need something a little more, um, --
SPIKE: "Effulgent"?
JAI: You really need to let that word go, okay, William? No, I think the best way to break news to someone is to go straight to it; just tell it like it is.
SPIKE: Right. [begins writing] "Dear... Buffy... I'm... still... alive... and... I... want... to... shag--
JAI [grabbing the paper away from Spike]: Okay, this is why I brought more than one piece of paper. How about we beat around the bush just a little bit, then?
[Jump cut to Jai grabbing another piece of paper away from Spike, wadding it up, and tossing it into a pile of several other wads of paper]
JAI: Look, we are not allowed to use any of the following words: "effulgent", "shag", "john thomas", "boink", "roger", "willie", "nancy-boy", "armadillo", or "robot".
SPIKE [sitting back in his chair, exasperated]: Then I'm fresh out of ideas, mate.
JAI: Fine. I will dicate, you write.
[Jump cut to Jai and Spike sitting at the same table, now joined by Clem. They nibble on a Bloomin' Onion as they converse.]
JAI: Okay, Clem, now Spike tells me that you're here in town specifically to meet with Buffy.
CLEM: Yeah, yeah. I'm supposed to pick her up at the airport and take her to her hotel room. [In a secretive tone] She didn't want to stay at Wolfram & Hart's guest suites. She doesn't trust them. Then she's going to spend the next day visiting with me before she meets with Angel.
JAI: Right. Well, we're going to ask you to give up a little of your time with Buffy so that Spike can spend some time with her.
CLEM: Oh, sure, no problem! But-- you'll have to tell her that he's alive, first. I mean, I wasn't really surprised to see him when I got here, but then nobody had really told me that he was dead --again. But I hear that Buffy knows he's dead. Again. Formerly. Again.
JAI: Exactly, Clem, and that's where you fit into our plans. You see, we figured it would lessen the shock if she knew Spike was alive before she actually sees him, so we want you to give her this note which Spike and I wrote, then drive her to Spike's apartment. Here are the directions.
CLEM [reaching for a piece of Onion]: Okay. Great. I-- it's gone. Where's the onion?
SPIKE [licking his fingers. He looks up as if joining the conversation for the first time.]: What? Oh, did you want some? Hey waiter, another Bloomin' Onion over here! Your show's paying for this, right?
[Cut to Jai and Spike in a record store, looking through CDs.]
JAI: Now we want some mood music for your romantic dinner tonight.
SPIKE: Got the Se--
JAI: The Sex Pistols don't count as romantic mood music. You are NOT to play Sex Pistols for your date tonight.
SPIKE: How about The Cl--
JAI: No Clash, either. In fact, you're going to stay away from the entire punk genre. We're going to start with some classics. [picks up cds] Here. We've got Roxy Music's "Avalon", some David Sylvian--
SPIKE: Barry White?
JAI: Cliche, but effective. Sometimes there's a good reason that a thing has become cliche. Now for some more contemporary music, here's Kylie Minogue and Dido. The Kylie is for some dancing. I understand that you can already dance a little, right?
SPIKE: Dru and I were dancing in flapper dresses and zoot suits before your GRANDparents were born, mate.
JAI: Good. Just take Buffy and give her a little twirl in the living room. Now, you're not to play this one tonight, but I thought you might like this group for your own personal listening: they're called "Ghost Of The Robot".
SPIKE: Never heard of 'em.
JAI: Give them a listen. You might like them. Oh, look! Cher's greatest hits!
[Freeze frame, superimpose "Hip Tip" card reading: "Mood Music: gay guys like Cher"]
SPIKE: I'm trying to show I'm NOT evil, remember?
JAI [muttering]: I'll bet Angel likes Cher.
SPIKE: Dunno, but I did walk into his office once when he was playing a Barry Manilow CD.
[Freeze frame, superimpose "Hip Tip" card reading: "Mood Music: vampires like Manilow"]
SPIKE: Angel gives vampires a bad name. He's such a nancy-boy.
[Freeze frame, superimpose "Hip Tip" card reading: "Mood Music: POOFY vampires like Manilow"]
[Cut to "QE" logo, "Straight Ahead" title card on screen. Cut to scene of the Fab 5 and Spike at his crypt.]
SPIKE [hugging Thom]: A big screen plasma telly! I could shag you right now for this.
THOM [smiling broadly]: OOOH!
[Cut to commercial.]
End of Act Two
****************************************************************************
Act Three
[Fade in with "QE" logo. Cut to head shot of each interviewee with respective designations superimposed at bottom of screen.]
THE PLATONIC FRIEND
BUFFY: Well, uh, we weren't really platonic friends...
THE BOSS
ANGEL: He said what? What's not manly about the way I look?
THE ADMIRER
ANDREW: Well, Spike is a great guy. I do admire him, and I'm sort of assimillating him. Not to destroy who he is, like the Borg, but to sort of assimilate his good points. He doesn't seem to have good luck at love, though, and I guess that's what intrigues me the most. I'm interested in his love.
THE CO-WORKER
FRED: ...clothes because they were incorporeal when he was and they became re-corporeal when he did and there's...
THE SIGNIFICANT OTHER
BUFFY: That's not quite right, either.
THE EX
HARMONY: He really kinda gets stuck on wearing one thing. Like, the other day he was wearing the black nail polish again and I tried to explain to him that it was SO last series.
[Cut to exterior shot of Spike and Jai at the front door of Spike's apartment.]
JAI: Ready to see the place?
SPIKE [opening the door]: What do I care? Not gonna be living here.
[Cut to interior shot of apartment, Spike and Jai entering, rest of Fab 5 already inside.]
JAI: Here he is, guys!
[Spike takes off his motorcycle helmet and hat.]
CARSON: Hey, look at that hair! Whoo! And I thought he was hot BEFORE!
SPIKE [motioning toward television]: Is that what I think it is?
TED: It sure is.
SPIKE [hugging Thom]: A big screen plasma telly! I could shag you right now for this.
THOM [smiling broadly]: OOOH!
CARSON: Hey, if HE gets a turn we ALL get a turn!
THOM: Okay, now this is usually where we would cut to before and after shots of your apartment while the techno music played in the background, but yours is an unusual situation so let me explain.
SPIKE [plopping onto the new sofa in front of the TV]: 'Kay. What's up?
THOM: Well, essentially what we've done here is to set up this apartment just for tonight.
SPIKE [looking around for the remote control]: That's great. Really. Thanks.
THOM: So we've set up the bare minimum here: the sofa, the stereo system for romantic music, the bed, the kitchen and dining room...
SPIKE [studying the remote control]: Right, no bleach, gotcha.
THOM [without stopping]: and the television in case you want to watch a romantic movie which Jai has picked out for you.
SPIKE [turning on the TV]: This get satellite, mate?
[Thom unplugs the TV]
SPIKE: Hey!
THOM: Now, as I was saying, we've painted the crypt with some warm colors and added some light fixtures to brighten the place. I also used some wooden trim there to give it more of a homey feel. After tonight, you'll take the furniture that's here and move it into the crypt. The good news is that, since its frames are made of plastics and steel, this furniture is pretty lightweight.
[Freeze frame, superimpose "Hip Tip" card reading: "Moving Pains: even vampires appreciate lightweight furniture"]
THOM: Also, since this is an underground apartment and has no windows, I decided to brighten the place up with this "faux" window here. I just took a large landscape poster and framed it, then put these curtains up around it to make it look like a picture window. We're going to move this to your crypt after tonight as well.
TED: Okay, I need to see Mr. Bloody in the kitchen now!
[Cut to Spike and Ted in the kitchen.]
TED: You're going to be preparing a simple but exotic meal tonight.
SPIKE: So you say.
TED: You can do it. You've travelled all over the world, didn't you ever prepare an exotic meal? Didn't you ever prepare ANY meal?
SPIKE: Made Dru a Chinese meal once.
TED: Really? What was it?
SPIKE: I don't remember his name.
TED: Um, okay. Anyway, we already have the chicken cut into cubes, so you're going to just drop them into the sauce here, and add just a bit of curry powder to it. NOT TOO MUCH CURRY, okay? Now, what did I just say?
SPIKE: Not - too - much - curry. -Bitch.
TED: Okay, now pour all this into the casserole dish here and bake it according to the directions on the card I wrote for you there. Now, you're gonna want some rice and bread to go with it. The rice is simplicity itself. All you have to do is boil water, then put the rice in. It's all on the card. Ordinarily, I'd show you how to make authentic Indian naan bread, but I figure we're doing well to get the curry dish and the rice out of you. So we'll use some pre-baked pita bread . Just brush a little garlic butter on them --
SPIKE: (Eyes Ted meaningfully).
TED: OR a mixture of olive oil, pepper, and grated parmesan cheese will work nicely. Then when the casserole is finished baking and you're ready to serve it, just take it out of the oven and pop the pita bread in for a couple of minutes. Okay? Got it?
SPIKE: I could just get some Indian take-aways, you know.
TED: No, no, no! You're trying to show her you're NOT evil, right? Not-evil people don't force their guests to eat takeout!
KYAN [from other room]: My turn, Ted!
[Cut to Kyan and Spike in bathroom.]
KYAN: First of all, here's a tooth whitening formula. Your smoking is yellowing your teeth and after a hundred years it's getting pretty bad. Of course, you could stop smoking...
SPIKE [narrowing his eyes]: You take my bleach, I keep the smokes.
KYAN: Well, I guess it won't hurt you, will it? Just at least use mouthwash before she arrives, and don't smoke around her, all right? And don't forget to use the whitener on your vamp fangs, too. Don't want yellow fangs to cause embarrassment when you're trying to be menacing. Okay, bro', now here's your hair product. Start in the back and just zhuzh this into your hair. Make sure you use this conditioner every time you shower, so we can get your hair back into shape. Now, as for shaving, everybody has trouble with their sideburns. So to make sure they're even, take the index finger of each hand and touch it to where your sideburns end. Then look in the mirror and see if your fingers are even and -- oh, yeah, I keep forgetting.
[Kyan looks deeply and intently into the mirror, his fingers still at his own sideburns from his demonstration.]
SPIKE: Yeah. Vampire. No reflection.
KYAN: I know, but -- how do you shave?
SPIKE [chuckling]: Ancient vampire's secret.
KYAN: Tell me.
SPIKE: No.
KYAN: Come on, bro', tell me!
SPIKE: Only if I can have bleach.
KYAN: No bleach.
SPIKE: No secret.
JAI [from other room]: My turn, Kyan!
[Cut to Jai and Spike standing in the kitchen.]
JAI [giving Spike a box]: I got you this to use for your date tonight.
SPIKE [starting to open the box]: If everything you guys told me works, I won't be needing this, will I?
JAI: It's not THAT kind of gift. It's a pair of microwaveable gloves. You heat them up in the microwave just before she arrives, then put them on. They'll warm up your hands so that when you go to touch her, you won't make her feel like she's a necrophiliac.
SPIKE: She already knows I'm dead. S'not a secret.
JAI: Yes, but the cold, clammy feel is still not exactly a turn on.
CARSON: Come here, Spikey! Time to show off your couture!
[Cut to Spike modelling a colored crew shirt with the black jeans for the rest of the Fab 5, who are seated and reclining on the bed.]
CARSON: We took his basic look and just made a variation with the color here.
THOM: Very nice.
KYAN: That looks really sharp but still looks like you.
CARSON [handing Spike the bomber jacket]: Now we put it with the jacket...
JAI: Whoo!
THOM [fanning himself with his hand]: Be still my heart.
[Cut to Spike modelling his black t-shirt with the white jeans.]
CARSON: All we've done here is to vary the color scheme.
TED: It's a lot of different looks but it still looks like Spike.
CARSON: Now let's try this with the duster.
KYAN: Oh yeah.
TED: THAT'S the look!
CARSON: It's all about the coat.
[Cut to Spike modelling a grey twill suit with black trim, with a royal blue crew shirt underneath.]
CARSON: For more formal occasions, LIKE TONIGHT, but still essentially his color scheme.
TED: Oh, that is sharp.
JAI: I love it.
THOM: Take me now!
SPIKE: This i'n't something Angel would wear, is it?
CARSON: Honey, I don't think Angel could pull this one off.
JAI: He softens his look. This has an edgier look to it. It's you.
SPIKE [beaming, and doing a male model pose]: Angel couldn't pull this one off, huh?
[Cut to Fab 5 and Spike in living room, Spike wearing his normal clothes again.]
JAI: Well, we need to get going, and you have some preparations to take care of.
CARSON: Yes, we have to go home and spy on you now.
KYAN: Did you want to say anything, Spike?
SPIKE [flopping onto couch, reaching for tv remote and turning it on]: Yeah. Thanks for everything, now get out. S'time for my show. Or you can stay 'n watch if you want, just keep it down.
[Cut to "QE" logo, "Straight Ahead" title card on screen. Cut to scene of the Fab 5 in their loft, watching Spike's preparations on their TV monitor.]
TED: What -- What IS that?
KYAN: It's the self-tanning lotion.
TED: What's he doing with it?
KYAN [slapping a hand to his forehead in exasperation]: He's putting it on his dick.
[cut to commercial]
End of Act Three
****************************************************************************
Act Four
[Fade in with "QE" logo. Cut to head shot of each interviewee with respective designations superimposed at bottom of screen.]
THE CO-WORKER
FRED: ...really no scientific reason that objects a person is wearing should incorporealize just because the wearer does.
THE ?????
BUFFY: And anyway, why do you keep asking me about Spike? I thought you worked for Angel.
THE FRIEND
CLEM: Oh, Spike's a great guy. He'll do anything for you. Well, a lot. If he's in the mood. He comes off as a tough guy, but he's really swell. You won't tell him I said that, will you? Oh, and could you ask Kyan what he would recommend for my skin?
THE LOVE INTEREST
ANDREW: You know, you have to be really careful if you mess with a hero's look. I mean, it can backfire on you. You have the traditionalists, who really don't want the character to change, and then you've got the cool, realistic faction who want to be hip, I mean, want the character to be hip, and -- I don't know. I always imagine him in black, you know? I mean, when I'm lying there, thinking about him, he's always wearing black.
THE CO-WORKER
WESLEY: Hey, I qualify to be a subject of this show, too!
[Cut to Fab 5's loft, where they observe the straight guy's preparations. The doors with the "QE" logo slide open, and they enter.]
CARSON: Okay, kids, are we ready to see how our vampire friend makes out?
JAI: Hopefully we WILL see how he "makes out".
THOM: He was a hottie.
CARSON: Mmm, he can bite me anytime.
[Fab 5 sit on couches facing a monitor screen on which Spike's preparations and date are shown. Camera cuts to scenes of Spike and to shots of Fab 5 commenting as necessary.]
TED: Well, there he is. Looks like he's going to start by preparing the food.
CARSON: Good. I hate it when they dress first and then get food all over the couture.
[Spike pulls the cubed chicken chicken out of the refrigerator and looks at it quizzically.]
TED: It's the chicken, Spike. We discussed this already.
[Spike puts the container of chicken on the counter and studies his dishes.]
TED: All you have is a casserole dish and some plates. It's not a tough decision.
SPIKE [picking up a plate and turning it over to look at the bottom]: Is this plate microwaveable?
KYAN: Tell me he is not going to try to microwave the chicken.
TED: I should have taken his microwave away from him.
[Spike puts down the plate and dumps the container of chicken into the casserole dish.]
TED: Oh, thank God.
SPIKE: I need some tunes.
[Spike disappears from the camera shot of the kitchen. After a few seconds, "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols is heard. Spike reappears, singing along with the music. The Fab 5 all turn to look at Jai.]
JAI: It's okay, it's okay, as long as this isn't what's playing when Buffy arrives. We discussed this.
[Spike looks at the instruction card Ted left for him, and turns his oven on. Then he pours sauce over the chicken, then carefully measures and adds a small amount of curry powder.]
TED: There we go. VERY good. Not too much curry.
SPIKE [imitating Ted, over-emphasising the American "r" sound]: "Not - too - much - currrrry."
TED: 'Atta boy!
SPIKE [singing to the music]: "God save the queen. Not too much curry, man."
[Spike closes the curry powder, then begins bobbing his head and shaking the can of curry powder in time with the music.]
TED: Um, please put the curry down, now. We don't want to have any accidents.
CARSON: Step away from the curry!
[Spike sets down the curry and feels his pockets as if looking for something. He looks around, then disappears from the camera view.]
THOM: What's he doing?
TED: Beats me.
[Cut to various camera shots all over Spike's apartment. Spike appears in none of them.]
KYAN: Where is he?
JAI: Did he leave?
[Jump cut forward in time.]
THOM: He's been gone, like, twenty minutes.
TED: With the oven on and the chicken sitting out.
JAI: There he is!
[Spike reappears in the kitchen camera view.]
KYAN: What's he doing?
CARSON: He's lighting up.
KYAN: HE WENT OUT FOR CIGARETTES?
TED: Oh, my God, and he's smoking over the food.
THOM: And he just added more curry powder.
TED: Well, that's okay. It'll be just a bit on the spicy side now, but the amount I told him to put in wasn't much.
CARSON: It'll help to cover up the taste of the ashes.
THOM: Thank God it's not a gas oven.
[Spike puts the dish into the oven, then the screen cuts to Spike in the bathroom. Spike begins to undress to shower. The Fab 5 stare intently at the screen. Spike stips down until he's wearing nothing but his jeans, then looks straight at the camera and steps up to it so closely that his face fills the screen. He gives a wry smile, then his head disappears from view as he bends down. His face reappears, again filling the screen.]
SPIKE: Nice try, fellas, but I know you're watchin' me.
[Spike covers the camera with his t-shirt and the screen goes blank.]
FAB 5 [groaning]: Awwww!
THOM: No fair!
CARSON: Well, at least he found a use for one of those superfluous black t-shirts.
JAI: Yeah, and at least he didn't wait until last to take the socks off.
FAB 5: Eww!
[Jump cut forward in time.]
CARSON: Oh, look, we have visual again.
TED: The t-shirt must have fallen down.
CARSON: Except he's got his back turned to us.
THOM: Yeah, but nice butt.
CARSON, JAI, & TED: Yeah.
KYAN: Damn, we missed him shaving.
[Spike begins to apply the hair care product.]
KYAN: Oh, good, he's using the product I gave him. That's right, zhuzh it into your hair... oh, he's a natural.
JAI: What's he doing now?
KYAN: I'm not sure... oh, no.
TED: What -- What IS that?
KYAN: It's the self-tanning lotion.
TED: What's he doing with it?
KYAN [slapping a hand to his forehead in exasperation]: He's putting it on his dick.
CARSON: Honey, if things get far enough tonight that she'll see if your dick is tanned, it won't MATTER if your dick is tanned.
THOM: Oh my gawd, now he's putting it on his butt.
KYAN: This is just... wrong. This is a foul.
TED: Guess he's just going for that "all-over" tan.
JAI: Not really. He's putting it away.
KYAN: He's putting it away? He's not reapplying to his face and neck but he's tanning his dick and his ass?
TED: Are you sure he understood that he needed to re-apply the tanning lotion?
KYAN: And a lot of the color from the first coat we put on him at the salon has washed off in the shower.
THOM: This is going to be an interesting look.
KYAN: Some straight guys just should not be allowed to have product.
CARSON: He's going to have a reverse tan line.
JAI: Where'd he go?
THOM: There he is, in the kitchen.
[Spike, now wearing jeans again, puts on the microwaveable gloves and opens the oven door, pulls out the casserole, and tastes it.]
TED: Okay, he's tasting it. All good cooks taste while they cook... He's tasting it again... okay, now he's just eating it.
CARSON: Are those the same smelly jeans he was wearing before he showered? And why is he wearing jeans? Was he not paying attention when I told him in ALL CAPS that he was wearing the suit tonight?
THOM: I hope the chicken is cooked.
JAI: That's okay, vampires can't get salmonella, or whatever it is you get from uncooked meat.
[Spike starts to spoon more curry powder into the casserole.]
TED: Okay, that's enough curry, you can stop now. Stop now! STOP NOW!
[Cut to Spike in the bedroom, getting dressed.]
JAI: Hey, listen, the Sex Pistols are gone and now Roxy Music is playing. "Avalon" is one of the CDs I picked out for him.
KYAN: I didn't see him change the CD.
THOM: He wouldn't have to. It's a 3-CD changer.
JAI: As long as he takes the Sex Pistols out before Buffy arrives.
CARSON: Oh, there we go. Now he's changing into his suit pants.
[Spike pulls a couple of shirts out and holds them up, looking quizzically at them.]
THOM: He's starting to look confused.
SPIKE [looking at clock]: They're gonna be here any minute!
[Spike drops the shirts and rushes out of the bedroom. He stops between the kitchen and the living room, looking alternately into each room.]
SPIKE: Uh, music! Gotta change the music.
CARSON: He's getting nervous now.
[Spike opens the CD player and changes CDs.]
SPIKE: "Avalon" already in. Put Barry White in, put in Sylvian -- no, he's a boring wanker. Need dance music. Put in Kylie.
[Spike starts toward the bedroom, then stops.]
SPIKE: The curry!
[Spike goes into the kitchen and pulls the casserole out of the oven.]
TED: Please don't.
THOM: Oh my God, he just put more curry in.
TED: What, is he trying to disinfect her?
JAI: Oh, good! He just put the gloves in the microwave. He's still on track.
[Spike returns to the bedroom and starts looking at the shirts again.]
CARSON: IT DOESN'T MATTER! THEY BOTH GO WITH THE SUIT! THAT'S WHY WE BOUGHT THEM!
[A knock at the door is heard.]
SPIKE [dropping the shirts]: *BLEEP*! They're here! Oh, bugger this!
[Cut to "QE" logo, "Straight Ahead" title card on screen. Cut to scene of the Fab 5 in their loft, watching Spike's preparations on their TV monitor.]
FAB 5 [in unison]: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[cut to commercial]
End of Act Four
*****************************************************************************
Act Five
[Fade in with "QE" logo. Cut to shot of Fab 5 watching Spike's preparations.]
JAI [holding his hands to his mouth in sympathetic nervousness]: Oh my God, they're here.
CARSON: Just what did he mean by "bugger this"?
[Cut to Spike's kitchen. Spike enters the frame wearing his old black t-shirt, black jeans, and Doc Martens.]
FAB 5 [in unison]: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
CARSON [banging his forehead against the arm of the couch he's sitting on]: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
[Knock on door is heard again.]
SPIKE [putting microwaveable gloves on]: I'M COMING! KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON!
THOM: You should have worked on greetings with him, Jai.
JAI: Apparently. But at least he gets snaps for remembering the gloves.
[Spike starts toward the front door, then stops.]
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. Pita bread.
FAB 5 [in unison]: ANSWER THE DOOR!
CARSON: Apparently he could have handled cooking, or music, or dressing, but not all three.
[Spike opens the bag of pita bread and drops a couple into a toaster.]
TED: NOT THE TOASTER!
JAI: Where'd he get the toaster?
THOM: He must have already had it.
SPIKE: No, wait. This can wait.
KYAN: Thank you! Now get the door!
SPIKE: More curry, then get the door.
TED: He wanted to do takeout, but nooo, I wouldn't let him.
[Cut to Spike, finally opening the front door.]
THOM: He's still wearing the gloves!
JAI: I just figured it was obvious that I meant for him to take the gloves off once his hands were warm.
CARSON: He looks like a surgeon with sterile gloves. He just wants to play "doctor", people!
CLEM [entering the apartment and looking around]: Wow, this is nice.
BUFFY [softly]: Spike?
SPIKE: Buffy.
[Clem moves to get a good view of the entire living room, and stops so that the back of his head fills the entire frame of the shot, blocking our view.]
CLEM: This is great, Spike! What a great room! And a big screen TV! Wow! And what a fabulous window treatment!
[Clem continues to rave about the room as the Fab 5 speak.]
KYAN: Clem! Move!
CARSON: What's going on?
KYAN: I don't know!
TED: I hear sobbing.
THOM: Who's crying?
TED: I can't tell.
KYAN: Surely it's not Spike.
JAI: Well, he's actually a pretty sensitive guy...
THOM: It's not Clem. He won't shut up about the room.
CARSON: Has Spike taken the gloves off yet?
CLEM: ...great TV. And look at this remote. Mind if I watch?
KYAN: I think Clem's planning to stay a while.
TED: He just turned on the TV.
JAI: This was not the plan, Clem!
THOM: Maybe you took too much for granted, Jai. You should have told Spike to take the gloves off and you should have told Clem to leave.
JAI: Yeah, but even straight frat guys usually get the hint and know when to leave.
SPIKE: Uh, Clem, mate. Buffy and I need to talk.
CLEM: Oh, okay. That's fine. Don't mind me, I'll just be here watching TV.
SPIKE: Clem. Pal. We need to talk? You know, wink wink nudge nudge?
CLEM: Oh, is that on? Great! What channel?
THOM: AUUUGGGGHHH!
JAI: Nice try, Spike.
TED: TAKE THE GLOVES OFF!
CARSON: And smack Clem with them.
KYAN: I wish we could see past Clem.
SPIKE: Right. Okay, Clem, tell you what. You stay here and watch all the TV you want. Buffy and I will go over to my crypt and talk. 'Ow's that sound?
CLEM: Oh. Yeah. Sure. Okay. I'll see you later, then.
SPIKE: Oh, and there's a curry in the oven for you if you get hungry.
CLEM: Cool!
[The sound of the front door opening and closing is heard, then Clem walks over to the couch in front of the TV and sits down on it, intently watching the TV.]
CLEM [looking up from the TV and around the room]: I smell toast.
[The picture on the monitor fades and is replaced by the "QE" logo.]
TED: That's it?
THOM: We didn't set cameras up at the crypt. We expected them to stay in the apartment.
JAI: So what did we actually accomplish here?
TED: Hard to tell.
CARSON: Well, let's see. We confused a vampire with too many clothing choices...
JAI: Gave him oven mitts to use when touching his girlfriend...
KYAN: Invented an interesting new form of body painting...
THOM: Decorated an apartment to make it easier for the superintendant to rent to the next occupants...
TED: And gave his demon friend a really bad case of heartburn once he eats that chicken.
CARSON: Sounds like a success to me!
THOM: We ain't doin' no more vampires on this show.
*****************************************************************************
[Cut to "QE" logo, then final series of "Hip Tip" segments, cutting to each speaker in turn.]
TED: If you're making dinner for your favorite vampire, keep in mind that they often like very spicy food. So try making two batches: one you make for yourself, and one you dump a can of hot spice into. And if you're serving steak? Tartare, of course.
JAI: Ladies, don't put too many romantic expectations on your special vampire. Remember, underneath that hunky exterior lies a creature of evil. Demons and dating don't always mix.
KYAN: Your friends come to visit and notice an odor. They ask you "what died in here?" Bad news, my vamp friend. YOU did! Body odor is even more of a concern for the dead than it is for the living. Showering regularly with scented soaps, and using cologne can go a long way toward keeping you smelling as good as the day you died.
THOM: Can't have windows? Use landscape posters! Can't use mirrors? Use video cameras! Mount a camera and monitor where your bathroom mirror would be. And connect a camera to your living room TV set to use as a full length mirror!
CARSON: Just because you're dead doesn't mean your clothes have to announce it. Stick with natural fibers: there's no excuse for polyester no matter HOW long ago you lived. And you can still be evil in colors other than black. Your victims' deaths will be more pleasant if their last thoughts are "at least I'm being killed by a vampire who dresses well."
[Roll closing credits. End.]
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