Green Card

by Ripe Wicked Plum

Spike yawned widely as he sifted through his mail at the Sunnydale Post Office, "Occupant, occupant...You could already be a winner..." He read off absently, "Occupant...I live in a bleedin' graveyard...what in the hell do they think I'm occupying?"

He tossed the circulars and junk mail in the trash can near his box with another yawn, wondering why he even bothered. The only mail he got these days were pre-approved credit cards. He paused, eyes lighting up as one envelope was addressed to William Bolden. He ripped it open, then frowned, reading over the contents, "What the fuck...?" He glanced at the postmark on the front of the envelope, groaning, "The INS...great...just...bloody...great..."

"I...uh...wasn't aware...vampires could be deported," Giles said, polishing his glasses thoughtfully as he stared at the miserable vampire slumped on his couch, and Spike snorted.

"Apparently, you were wrong," He said irritably, "I just wonder how the bloody 'ell they found out about me," He eyed Giles suspiciously, and the Watcher sighed.

"I am sure none of us reported you, Spike."

"Humph..." The vampire snorted, "Whatever...hey, can you give your Council buddies a ring and see if they'd give a hand in straightening this mess out?"

"One, as I'm sure you remember, since you delight in reminding me...I am no longer part of the Council, and they would only laugh at me if I asked them to keep a murderer of two Slayers from being shipped back to England. And two...I have no idea why you came to me anyhow. I thought we hated each other."

"We do...but I kinda like it here in the States...and 'sides...I did help you with that Adam bloke..."

"After you turned us against each other and we almost all died in the Initiative Complex..."

"Hey...I could have let that hairy demon eat you all," Spike pointed out, "Part of my problem solved."

Giles sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily, "I would help you if I could, Spike...but there's absolutely nothing I can do. I have problem enough keeping status in this bloody country. And I'm legal."

"I'm legal...sort of," Spike protested, "The papers look really real."

"Oh Lord," Giles muttered as Buffy and Riley stumbled in, all over each other, and Spike rolled his eyes with a gag, which Giles would have echoed if he wasn't supposed to be the mature one.

Buffy pulled away from her boyfriend, glaring at Spike, "What's he doing here?"

"He's...being deported," Giles answered, and Buffy smirked.

"Oh...can I do my celebration dance now...or should I wait till he's on the boat?"

"Plane, you stupid bint," Spike growled at her, "England's on the other side of the bloody planet."

"Whatever," Buffy beamed brightly, "Poor wittle Spikey's being forced to go back to England."

Spike growled again as he stood and shoved past her, yelping when the chip activated, and Buffy laughed at him as he stalked out angrily.

Giles shook his head, feeling for the vampire despite himself, and turned towards the phone, "Whatcha doing?" Buffy asked, and Giles glanced at her.

"Seeing what I can do to correct this."

"What?" Buffy and Riley gaped at him, "No offense sir...but he's a hostile!"

"And has been extremely helpful of late," Giles reminded them, "It would not feel right if I did not do what I could to help him."

Buffy rolled her eyes, "Jeez, Giles...he's just Spike."

Giles gave her a look that brooked no argument, and she sighed, "Damn...and I was so close to getting rid of him too."

"I feel kinda bad for him," Willow said as she surfed the net, trying to find something for Giles to use to keep Spike in the country, and she blushed slightly, "I mean...he's evil and all...but this is kinda his home, right?"

Tara smiled at her, "I don't know him...but he seems kinda nice..." She frowned, "Apart from the trying' to get everyone killed by Adam...which...makes him...kinda not nice..."

"He is nice...he went to a party with me," Anya put in as Xander gave her a look, and Buffy yawned, boredly flipping through a magazine, wondering why she even bothered to show up to the 'Keep Spike from being shipped off,' research party. She glanced at the jelly donuts on the table, /Oh yeah...that's why.../she thought, grabbing one.

Hey, she was a college girl...free food was free food.

"Am I the only one here that doesn't care if Junior is sent packing?" Xander asked as Joyce Summers gave him a light glare.

"Spike is a fine young man, Xander Harris. Even if you and my daughter seem to think otherwise."

Buffy rolled her eyes, "Riley thinks so too, Xander. And I just can't wait to say Bon Voyage, have a nice flight...please, forget to write."

Joyce gave her the patented 'mother' look, and Buffy sighed, "Fine, fine...what do you want me to do?"

"Die," Spike muttered as he came in the front door, looking more miserable then usual as he plopped on the couch beside her and putting his feet on the table.

"You mustn't get down, dear, we'll find a way to keep you here," Joyce said cheerfully, and Spike smiled at her wanly.

"Thanks, mum."

"Spike, she's not your mu-mom," Buffy said with a glare at the blond, and he squirmed when Joyce ruffled his hair affectionately.

"Mum! Cut it out."

"Sorry," She smiled at him, "Want some cocoa?" She asked, "I'm sure Mr. Giles has some around here somewhere."

Spike grinned, nodding as the others looked at him oddly.

Giles shook his head, turning back to Willow, "Fiif">nything?"

"Well...unless he gets a really, really important job that makes him inexpandable...there's only one other option."

"What's that?"

"One of us has to either marry him...or claim to be his gay lover."

"Not Xander!" Anya cut in, "He's mine!"

"Yeah...I'm waayyy with her on this one," Xander said, standing closer to his girlfriend as if for protection from such a thought.

Spike's eyes were wide as he stared at Willow, "What are the chances on the job one?"

"In the time you have left? Nil," Willow said, then smiled slowly, "Giles...you're not seeing anybody, right?"

"What?!" Giles' eyes widened as he looked at Spike, and the vampire yelped.

"NO! NO WAY IN HELL!"

Buffy started to giggle at her Watcher's stricken look, "Aw...come on, Giles...you'd make such a cute couple!"

She raised an eyebrow when both Brits let out twin growls, "Oh...look...they're already acting alike."

"Buffy, stop teasing them," Joyce chastised her with a sigh, handing Spike his cocoa, and he clutched the mug, his eyes filled with horror.

"I don't wanna stay here /THAT/ badly!"

"All righty then," Buffy gave him a wave, "See ya, Spike. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."

Joyce looked at Spike in concern, having no wish for her 'boy' to be sent away. "I'll do it."

Spike's eyes shot towards her as his mouth dropped open in shock, and Buffy gaped at her, "What?! MOM! You're not marrying Spike!"

"Whose the mother in this relationship?" Joyce reminded her sternly as Spike struggled to say something.

"Mum...I'm...real flattered...truly...but um...I don't think that's a good...idea."

"Oh," Joyce waved her hand in dismissal, "I'm not letting you get sent away that easily. Who will I have late night cocoa chats with?"

Spike smiled slowly, touched, "Aw...thanks, mum..."

Buffy shook her head, "Uh-uh...nooo way! You can't marry Spike! You're OLD!"

Spike and Joyce each gave her a look, and Buffy flushed, "I mean...you know...you look /older/...then him. The INS agent would never buy that...and I think he'd think something's up when he's calling you mum all the time...an-and..."

Spike sighed deeply, glancing at Joyce, No offense, mumbut the chit's got a point.

Buffy glowered at him, wondering if she had been insulted, /I'm going to have to look that word up/, she thought, See? He agrees.

What about Willow or Tara? Anya suggested, and the two witches linked hands, and Spike shook his head.

Nahshe and Red got their own problems at the moment, He replied, and Willow sent him a grateful look, Sorry.

S'alright Spike sighed again, Guess London won't be all that bad.

All right, it's settled. Be seein' ya, Buffy stood, then glanced around the room, frowning slightly.

Spike's shoulders were slumped in defeat, and Joyce was looking at him with motherly concern and dejection, while Anya patted his shoulder reassuringly. Willow and Tara were exchanging one of their looks where nothing was said but great a bit was communicated. Giles looked slightly worried, while even Xander managed to give the vampire a look of sympathy.

/Oh for the love of.../"I'll do it."

Everyone looked at her in shock, and Spike gaped at her, "Whatzat?"

"I. Will. Do. It..." She said slowly, as if speaking to an extremely stupid child.

"But Buffy...you have...have to live with him for two years...an-and...pass all kinds of tests so that agent knows you're legit!" Willow informed her.

"Two years? Tests?" Buffy repeated, "They do tests?!"

"Um...Buffster...?" Xander started to say, but Joyce cut him off as she smiled brightly.

"Oh, Buffy! I'm so proud of you! You're doing something completely selfless!"

"What?" Spike repeated, still shocked.

"Mom...I'm the Slayer! I do selfless crap all the time!"

"Yeah...but you're doing it for Spike, and I know you don't like him...oh...you're my good little girl!"

"What?"

Buffy blushed in embarrassment as her mother hugged her tightly, and Spike finally snapped out of his daze, "I can't marry her!"

"Nonsense!" Joyce exclaimed brightly, "It's settled!"

Spike and Buffy exchanged a wary look, and shared a shudder, "Why do I think this is a completely bad idea?" Spike muttered beneath his breath.

Buffy completely agreed with him. /That does it...next time...think then open big, fat mouth./

"WHAT?!"

Buffy flushed as her boyfriend stared at her like she was going insane, and she didn't think he was far off the mark. "Um...gettin' married?"

"I heard you the first time...I'm just working through the shock!" Riley replied, his eyes wide, "My girlfriend just told me she's marrying a hostile!"

"His name is Spike...an-and...it's only so that he doesn't get deported...and besides...it's only for two years..."

"Two years? Buffy! That's a lifetime in Sl--" He bit off his own words, and Buffy sighed.

"I know...a lifetime in Slayer years. But my mom really likes him...and there was this whole...major guiltage thing workin' against me."

"Christ," Riley shook his head, still unable to believe his ears, "But...Spike! I thought we were all on board with the 'Yay, Spike's gone,' thing!"

"Yeah...well...a woman's prerogative is to change her mind," Buffy smiled sheepishly, "Well...I just...couldn't...Giles was right...he's been sorta helpful lately..."

Riley shook his head, unable to believe this, "This is the second time this year you told me you were marrying him, you realize?"

"Yeah...sorry."

"This isn't a spell too, is it?" He asked hopefully, but Buffy shook her head.

"Sorry...and it's not like I /want/ too. It's just a favor to him...that's all...and you shouldn't be acting all jealous, cause I do love you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," She smiled, "I'm all on board with the big Riley lovin'," She said, giving him a peck on the lips, and he sighed.

"All right...I guess I can surivive this."

"Besides," Buffy threw her arms around his neck, smiling coyly, "Spike found us a two bedroom apartment...which means...no roommate...and no mom anywhere nearby..."

"Hmm..." Riley wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her briefly, "I think I'm starting to like the sound of that."

Buffy smiled, nodding slowly, "All night slumber parties," She promised him, snuggling against his broad chest, "With no interruptions...and I can stay out as late as I want."

"Really liking the sound of that," Riley grinned widely, kissing her again, then sighed as he broke away, "But my mom's going to be so disappointed in me when she finds out I'm dating a married woman. She raised me better, you know."

Buffy laughed, smacking his chest. "You bad boy."

He let out a poor imitation of a growl, "Oh yeah...that's me all over."

"I'm a bleedin' joke, I am," Spike grumbled, fidgeting nervously as Giles adjusted his tie, the Watcher raising an eyebrow.

"Why's that?"

"I'm ten bloody seconds from marrying the Slayer!" He said in exasperation, "Who'd want to marry her for?!"

"Say yes, and make me the happiest man alive," Giles repeated Spike's own words during Willow's Will Be Done spell, and the vampire groaned.

"Yes...remind me of that!"

Giles chuckled as Joyce peeped her head in, beaming at her soon to be son-in-law, "My, don't you look handsome," She said, looking over his black suit, and he pulled at his tie with an abashed grin that seemed oddly fitting to the normally cocky and assured vampire.

Giles sighed when he pulled it out of place, but Spike held still while Joyce adjusted it once more, patting his labels down, actual tears shining in her eyes. Then out came the handkerchief.

Spike sputtered, trying to turn his face away when she licked it and tried to wipe his face, "Mum! I already washed up!" He complained as she swiped at his cheek, sounding like a put-out child and she smiled.

"You got a bit of cigarette ash on you," She said, wiping his face despite his struggles, and he sighed in relief when she replaced the dreaded weapon.

"Let me see them," She instructed, and Spike frowned.

"See what?"

"The rings. Buffy sent me up here to make sure you have them and that they're quote, unquote 'normal, with no freaky little skulls.'"

Spike rolled his eyes, removing a black velvet box from his pocket, and she looked down at the twin gold wedding bands, tears coming to her eyes, "Oh...my little boy," She said, throwing her arms around his neck, and Spike's eyes widened slightly as she sobbed against his chest, "You'll take care of my little girl, won't you?"

"Um...sure...yeah..." Spike said, patting her back uncomfortably, shooting Giles a desperate look, but the Watcher only chuckled, shaking his head.

Joyce sniffled, wiping her eyes, smiling at Spike brightly before patting his cheek, "There's my good boy. We'll be ready in a little bit," She told him, still sniffling as she left the two men.

Spike and Giles exchanged a look, and the vampire cleared his throat awkwardly, "I think she's been at the punch," He muttered beneath his breath, and Giles shook his head, looking after Joyce.

"What a bloody strange woman," He said, incredulous. "You know...she hates Angel."

"Yeah, I know...go figure," Spike shrugged, "Must have better taste then her daughter."

Giles frowned, catching a slight inflection of...something, in Spike's voice, and for some reason, that disturbed him. "I'm...um...going to see if everything's ready downstairs," Giles muttered, escaping, and Spike glanced after him before sighing heavily, looking down at the rings.

"Bloody 'ell..."

"Mooo-ooommmm!" Buffy tried to fend off the dreaded 'handkerchief' while trying to move in her bulky dress. She hadn't wanted to wear it, just wanted something sensible, like a white dress suit, so that she could still kick the groom's ass if he decided to try something, but oh no! Her mom had gotten that little wounded look on her face,

/"But Buffy...I wore this when I married your father...and I'd love so much to see you in it..."/

Buffy had refrained from reminding her mom how /that/ marriage ended, but just barely. And feeling guilty about her own thoughts, she had agreed. And now she was stuck in a huge monstrosity of a dress, drowning in taffeta, false satin and yards of gauze and lace.

/You'd think on my own wedding day, that I could pick my own damn dress...and I did not just think that...it's not even a real wedding...and like Willow said...it's not a real marriage unless me and Spike have sex...and that's sooo not happening!/

Nope...there was goin' to be no consummating of anything on her watch!

"Does he have them?" Buffy asked after re-fixing her make-up, remembering what her husband-to-be's idea of an engagement ring was. She rolled her eyes, / Well, Will...looks like your damn spell is finally coming to fruitation...at least his tongue isn't jammed down my throat this time.../

"Yes, and they're very pretty..."

"Oh no," Buffy glanced at her mother, seeing she was on the verge of tears again. For the past two days, she had been like a leaky faucet. "Mom...this is NOT a real marriage...you know that right?!"

"Of course I do, dear...but still..." Tears welled, Buffy groaned, "You look sooo beautiful...and...and..."

/No...please...don't.../

Joyce started to sob again and Buffy looked up as Willow, Tara and Anya came in, her bridesmaids. They were all wearing matching violet colored dress suits and Buffy envied them. "Help," The Slayer pleaded, and Tara steered Joyce out, trying to comfort her as the older woman cried about losing her little girl...and wasn't Spike just the handsomest in his suit?

Buffy groaned, shaking her head as Willow smiled at her brightly, "You look pretty."

"Don't be daft," Buffy muttered, "I look like the top part of a Coconut Creme pie."

"Oh...no, you don't..."

"Yes, actually, she does," Anya put in, ever the honest one, "I'm supposed to do your hair..." She took out a book then and glanced in it, "And impart womanly wisdom on the bride. Which is you."

"What are you reading?" Willow asked, and Anya held it up, "Bridesmaids for Dummies...Borders was having a sell."

"Ok..." Willow looked perplexed, "Who would write something like that?"

/More like who in the hell would buy it except ex-demons?/ Buffy thought with a sigh, "Fine, fine...impart."

"Men like blow jobs."

"Anya! Buffy's not going to be blowing Spike!" Willow said, her eyes wide.

"Why not? They're going to be married...and as husband and wife...she should give him blow jobs...but...oh! Only if he goes down..."

"AHHH!" Buffy covered her ears, "I'm not hearing this!"

"It's not a real marriage, Anya..."

"Then why did I buy a hundred dollar dress? My money's been wasted?!"

"Once more, from the top, Anya. Spike doesn't wanna be deported. Buffy is marrying him so he can stay in the country. They will pretend to be husband and wife, with papers saying they are...but there will be no sex."

"A marriage without sex? What's the point?"

"Argh!" Buffy let out a strangled sound of frustration, "That does it...he's gone!"

"Anya..." Willow shook her head slightly, "It's time for you to impart your womanly wisdom on Spike..."

"Why? I'm pretty sure he knows this stuff...he's been around for a long time...and oh! I bet he knows a few neat tricks that he can teach Xander...I should talk to him."

Willow closed the door behind Anya, breathing a sigh of relief, "You know...I feel kinda bad about siccing her on Spike."

"Well...as long as it isn't me," Buffy said, looking into the mirror morosely, "I look like a cream puff."

"No, you don't," Willow smiled, "Shall we do your hair now?"

"A big...blond...cream puff..."

Spike inched his way down the hallway, his eyes wide in fear. He had barely escaped Anya with his life. The things that girl said could shock Lucifer himself.

"Hey! Junior!"

Spike jumped, then glared at Xander, who was shoving a video-camera in his face, "Say something to Angel, Deadboy."

"What?!"

Xander grinned as he lowered the camera, "Come on...you know how much Angel hates you...this is sooo gonna chaff his willy."

Spike raised an eyebrow, chuckling, "Oh...yeah...can't wait to see the look on his face when he finds out..."

"I called Cordy this afternoon. She promised to have her own camera on hand when he gets it."

Spike laughed as Xander held up the camera again, "Go on...say something."

Spike looked thoughtful for a moment, "The Slayer isn't goin' to see this, is she?"

"Naw...do I look like I have a death wish?"

Spike nodded before leering into the lens, "Hey, Peaches...looks like the best man won...that being me. But don't worry...I'll be sure to be thinkin' 'bout you on our weddin' night, when I'm shagging the Slayer into unconsciousness," He wagged his tongue suggestively, "Can't say the same 'bout her, though...since it's /my/ name she'll be screaming..."

Xander started to laugh as he lowered the camera, "Oh...that is too good. He'll have a coronary."

Spike grinned widely, "Make me a copy of that, mate...and the one of Angel."

"Sure thing, Skipper," Xander chirped, and Spike frowned.

"Skipper?"

"You know...like Gilligan...he's the first mate...and then there's the Skipper..."

"Uh...right..." Spike eyed him, as if doubting his sanity, and Xander sighed.

"No one gets my jokes," he said in a tortured tone, then lifted the camera again, "Hey! Riley! Say something to Angel!"

Riley ignored him as he stalked up to Spike, his eyes narrowed. Spike tensed as the boy threw him up against the wall, growling threateningly, "You touch her, I'll kill you!"

Spike went to shove him away, but a stake was pressed against his chest, and his eyes narrowed, "What are you doing?!"

"Just a little warning, Spike...Buffy's mine...and don't you fucking forget it," He snapped, letting go of the vampire to straighten his suit and stalk away again.

Xander lowered the camera, his eyes slightly wide as he stared at Riley's back, and Spike growled, straightening his suit. "Bloody psycho..."

"Jeez...this is really cheesing him off," Xander said, looking at Spike in surprise, "I never saw him do something like that before."

"Tell you what...the Slayer sure as hell won't like him talking 'bout her like that."

"Probably not," Xander shrugged, "Eh...he's a guy. According to Anya, we're incredibly stupid when it comes to women."

Spike shook his head, tossing the rings at Xander, who was acting as best man, "You going to tape the ceremony?"

"Joyce is goin' to be handling it then...if she can stop crying and hugging people, that is."

Spike smiled despite himself, "Woman's a bit soft, ain't she?"

"Apparently...she likes you, doesn't she?"

Spike rolled his eyes, glancing up as Giles gestured for them, "Well...time to say good-bye to me bacholor-status."

"Cheer up, Spike...you have the best marriage in the world. You can sleep with anyone you want...as long as it's not your wife."

Spike considered this, "Yeah...but she's probably goin' to take half my money when we get a divorce."

"Right...all fifty cents of it."

Spike raised an eyebrow at Xander, "Well...let's do this then."

Spike fidgeted nervously in front of the Justice of Peace performing the marriage ceremony, and Xander nudged him, "Come on, man...it's not like it's..." He glanced at the dour-faced judge, clearing his throat, "Don't get cold feet."

Spike rolled his eyes, glancing at Riley, who was 'idly' playing with a stake, "Yeah...right."

He watched as Joyce came down the aisle first as the matron of honor, briefly embracing him with a small sob as she took the camera from Xander, and Spike barely resisted the urge to bolt right then and there.

/A bloody joke,/ he thought as Willow, Anya and Tara came down next, rubbing the back of his neck as each woman gave him a small hug, all of them a little teary-eyed. The entire ceremony was a farce, yet everyone was practically weeping. He'd never get women. /Absurd creatures, they are.../he thought with a sigh.

He looked up as Anya hissed at him, trying to get his attention, and he turned his gaze towards the doorway. Buffy stood there, her arm threaded through with Giles'.

His mouth dropped open slightly before he could stop himself as he gaped openly at her. /Cor.../

The dress she was wearing was pure white, and the bodice fit snuggly against her breasts, lace edging the fabric just below the tops of her breasts. It had long sleeves that draped down, medieval style, and her skirt flared out around her, lace hedging the hem as she dragged a long train behind her. Her hair was curled and soft-looking, shining golden in the dim light, and framing her face. In short...he thought she looked stunning.

He tugged at his collar as Giles kissed her cheek with a thin smile at Spike, and the vampire grinned at the Watcher nervously as Giles drew an invisible line across his throat, indicating the vampire's fate if he did anything to his Slayer.

Buffy grimaced at him as he offered her a hand, and she took it, pulling at her dress impatiently, "You look...nice," He murmured beneath his breath, and she gave him a look.

"I'm a giant marshmallow, Spike."

"Well...I like marshmallows," He said with a small, nervous grin, and Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Jeez...try not to look like you're going to vomit all over my dress, Spike...it's killing my ego. Then again...it can only improve this thing."

Spike chuckled, "Sorry...but it's not like I do this everyday..."

They both turned inward to face each other, clasping hands, and Spike stared at her face intently as she popped her gum, "Stop that," He hissed at her, and she looked at him in surprise.

"Stop what?" She asked in a quiet voice, and he rolled his eyes.

"You're ruining this, Slayer."

She sighed, swallowing her gum as he looked at the Judge in annoyance, and she raised an eyebrow when she saw the tense line of his jaw as he clenched his teeth together, his blue eyes flashing in anger.

He turned his attention back to Buffy, catching her look, and she glanced at her mother, who was dabbing at her eyes, still holding the video camera, "Oh...great...evidence?" She muttered beneath her breath, looking up when Spike pinched the back of her hand, then realized the Judge was addressing them.

"Do you, Elizabeth Anne Summers take William to be your lawful husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer...as long as you both shall live?"

Buffy glanced at him, then at Spike, who raised his eyebrow expectantly, and she nearly sighed, "Yeah...sure...whatever."

Spike scowled as Xander handed him a ring and he slipped it on her finger, and the Judge looked towards him, "Do you, William Bolden, take Elizabeth to be your lawful wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer...for as long as you both shall live?"

Buffy met Spike's gaze, and her breath almost caught in her throat at the sight of his intense gaze as he said softly, "I do."

She took the ring from Xander, averting her gaze from his dark eyes as she slipped the ring on his finger. "I pronounce you husband and wife...you may now kiss the bride."

Spike and Buffy's eyes widened, "Uh...can we skip that part?" Buffy squeaked, and the Judge raised an eyebrow.

"It's traditional."

Spike glanced towards Riley, who was glaring daggers at them, then shrugged. He always loved to live dangerously.

He suddenly wrapped an arm around her waist, and did a dramatic dip as he crushed his lips to hers. He let her up just as fast, ducking away before she could stake him, wide grin on his face.

She glared at him, "You're paying for that later," She growled at him, lifting up her skirts to stalk out.

The Judge shook his head, leaning towards Xander, "I give them a week."

When Buffy returned, she was wearing a white sun dress, thankful to be out of her wedding dress. She thanked the Powers that she only had to wear it the once.

She pinned her hair up as she walked into the room, seeing Spike hiding near her mother as Riley glared daggers at him. She made sure the Justice was gone before going up to her boyfriend and kissing him thoroughly, whispering, "Don't be so jealous, you big baby."

"Sorry...he just gets to me," Riley muttered to her, still glaring at Spike, who casually flipped him off, earning a swat from his new mother-in-law.

Buffy smiled, wrapping an arm around Riley's waist as she went towards her mother, "So...you finally married off your little girl. And to a vampire, no less."

Joyce gave her a stern look, "You could have pretended to take things a little seriously, young lady."

"Um...sorry?"

"Hmph," Joyce eyed her daughter doubtfully, "At least try, for an old woman's sake."

"Fine, fine..." Buffy batted her eyes at Spike, "Oh...husband dear..."

"Joyce...make her stop..."

"Oh...but honey! We're married now!" Buffy said in a high voice, throwing her arms around his neck, "Don't you love me anymore, Blondie bear!"

"I hate you..." He growled at her, and she grinned, letting go of him, "Feelings mutual, Fang Breath."

"I must be a masochist to have agreed to this crap," Spike grumbled, and Joyce shook her head, kissing his cheek.

"Who's ready for cake?" She asked cheerfully, and Buffy pouted.

"Hey...don't we get presents or something?"

Spike chuckled as Joyce sighed, rolling her eyes, "It's sad...I thought I raised her better."

"Hmph...crappy fake wedding...there's not even presents," Buffy muttered, and Joyce sighed again.

"So glad I'm passing her off to you," She teased Spike.

"Oh...gee, thanks mum...I hope you kept the receipt."

Buffy swatted his arm, wrinkling her nose, "Funny, Blondie."

Spike chuckled again, then growled as Xander shoved the camera in his face again, "Why do I feel like I'm on Cops?"

"Come on...do the kissing thing again...Miss Summers was too busy trying not to bawl, and the camera was aimed at your feet."

"Don't even," Buffy warned Spike, her eyes narrowing slightly, and he snorted.

"Please...I still got Buffy taste in my mouth."

"Yeah...well...you coulda at least brushed your teeth after dinner. Blood breath is sooo not on my list of fun."

Giles came up to them then, pretending to wipe away tears, "Oh...it was such a beautiful ceremony...what with the gum snapping and glares. I don't think the Justice bought it."

Spike sent Buffy a glare, and she grinned sheepishly, "Sorry."

"If I get deported..."

"I'll send you a nice going-away fruit basket," Buffy promised, and the vampire threw his hands up in the air, muttering beneath his breath as he stalked towards the drinks.

"I think your hubby's less then happy," Xander observed, and Buffy sighed.

"Sorry, I wasn't thinking..."

"Yes, well, you can march over there and be nice to him for the rest of the night."

"But mom..."

"Buffy Anne Summers..."

"Actually, Miss Summers, it's Mrs. Bond now."

"What?"

"I think he means Bolden," Riley clarified, frowning, "And can't she just keep her maiden name?"

"Buffy Bolden...kinda alliterative, don't ya think?" Buffy said, "And is that even his real name?"

"It is," Joyce said, "He alternates it every fifty years."

Buffy shook her head, rolling her eyes, "Great...now I have to get a new campus card," She grumbled as she went towards Spike, and Riley's eyes narrowed slightly.

"Hey, Rye...wanna chaff Angel's willy?" Xander asked, clapping a hand on his back and holding up the camera, "How 'bout a few words the happy couple?"

Riley gave him a look, "I need some air," he grated out, heading towards the door, and Xander shrugged, turning towards Joyce.

"I know this will be good," He said, training the camera on her face.

Spike was steadily draining a beer as Buffy came up to him, rubbing her arm almost self-consciously, "Sorry, Spike...if I screwed stuff up for ya."

Spike stared at her in surprise, "The Slayer...deigning to apologize to a lower demon? Hell just became a skating rink."

"Ha ha, Spike," Buffy rolled her eyes, "See if it happens again."

"Okay," He laughed, surprising her slightly. She didn't often hear him laugh, and found the sound almost...pleasant. It was deep, full of mirth, and the edges of his eyes crinkled up slightly, "Apology accepted, Slayer."

"Spike, we're married. I think you can call me Buffy now."

"Whatever you say, Babs."

"Babs?!" She looked at him in confusion.

"Buffy Anne Summers Bolden...switch the last 'B' and 'S' and your initials..."

"Spells Babs..." She groaned, shaking her head, "When did you come up with that one?"

"Round 'bout if anyone objects...yada, yada, yada..."

"Oh...you were playing mental scrabble, and you're getting on me about chewin' gum?"

"Hey...at least I was doing it quietly," he pointed out, and she rolled her eyes.

"You're a strange, strange man."

Spike chuckled, glancing towards Joyce, who was gesturing at them, holding a knife, "Now why isn't that sight comforting?"

"Cause she once hit you on the head with an ax and screamed, 'Stay the hell away from my daughter'?" Buffy suggested, and Spike grinned.

"Bloody weird woman. She practically shoved you at me."

Buffy giggled, shaking her head, and then holding out her arm so that he could link it with his, "Shall we then?" She asked, starting to hum as they went towards their mother.

"Um...Slayer? That's the funeral march."

"Yeah...well...it seems fitting, don't ya think?"

"Whatever you say...Babs."

Buffy rolled her eyes, "Keep it up, Spike...and we /will/ be registering as Mr. and Mrs. Big-Pile-Of-Dust."

"I think mum will have a thing to say about that."

"Spike, she's not your...oh...damn."

Riley returned from his breathing break in time to see Buffy shoving a piece of cake into Spike's mouth, smearing icing all over his face, giggling as the vampire tried to do the same to her.

She tried to duck his cake-filled hand, and Spike caught her around the middle, jerking her back against his front as he shoved the cake against her mouth, and she squealed, breaking free, laughing as she threw the bit still in her hand at him.

Joyce shook her head, "Children, no throwing food in my home!" She chastised them, handing Spike a wad of napkins as Xander attacked the cake for himself.

Spike wiped off his mouth, a wide smile on his face as he handed Buffy some, then reached out, picking up a bit of cake on her dress and popping it in his mouth as he turned to face Joyce.

Buffy glanced towards Riley right then, still smiling, "You're missing cake, honey," She called to him, and he plastered a smile on his face as he went towards her, wrapping an arm around her waist, shooting a glare at Spike's back as he picked up the tiny bride and bridegroom off the cake.

"Who painted vampire fangs on him?"

"That'll be Buffy," Willow replied, and Spike glanced at her, and she shrugged.

"I couldn't find red paint," She told him with a smile, and Spike chuckled, shaking his head.

"He still looks like a nancy boy."

"Well...if the shoe fits..."

Spike lopped a piece of cake at her, and she ducked. It missed her, and smacked Riley right between the eyes.

"Oops..."

Riley glared at Spike as he swatted at the cake on his face, "You did that on purpose!"

"Oh, come on, Riley," Willow said with a small smile, "He was aiming for Buffy."

Riley met Spike's gaze squarely, and the vampire raised an eyebrow, taking his slice of cake from Joyce.

"Good God, woman...could you have more crap?" Spike complained, nearly sweating beneath the weight of Buffy's luggage as he carried the bags up a flight of stairs.

"Oh...hush up," Buffy said, fiddling with the key Spike had given her, nearly cringing at the prospect of 'their' home. She had yet to see it, and she was deathly afraid of what she would find.

/I find one black thing...excepting drapes...I'm going to stake him.../she thought as she opened the door. She heard the sound of dropping bags, and turned, glaring at Spike, "Hey! What are you--"

She yelped as he suddenly swept her into his arms, carrying her across the threshold with a cheeky grin, "Tradition, luv."

She rolled her eyes, but was smiling as he sat her down again, "Yeah...right...like anything about this marriage is traditional."

Spike shrugged, "Eh...traditional's overrated anyhow," He replied, grabbing her bags once more as she explored the apartment, eyes slightly wide. It wasn't anything like she expected.

The color scheme was a creme and light violet. The small foyer gave way to a spacious living room, with two off-white couches that matched the carpet, as well as a matching easy-chair. There were situated in front of an impressive entertainment center, with TV, VCR and a DVD player.

Shelves lined one of the walls, filled to the brim with books, all well-read, the spines bent nearly in half. Off to her right was an open-air kitchen, with white marble counters and a gas-stove. One of the cabinets were open, and curious, she went towards them, seeing that he had stocked up on her favorite foods.

She raised an eyebrow as she turned, and he staggered in with her bags, "You can have the master bedroom," He said, then scowled, "Your mum set it up for you. It's all in poncy colors."

"Thanks," She said, continuing to inspect the apartment, and Spike rolled his eyes.

"Why, yes, Spike...I will help you with the bloody incredibly heavy bags," He said sarcastically, following her as she headed towards the two bedrooms. She peeked in his first, and he shook his head as he continued into hers.

She glanced around his room curiously, noting that the predominant colors were hunter green and white, except for his bed sheets, which were unsurprisingly black silk, though a green comforter was turned down towards the edge of the large four poster.

She heard something drop in her room, and then Spike swearing profusely.

She went in to him, and saw him hastily trying to shove her clothes back into a dropped suitcase, and he looked up at her, with a handful of her unmentionables, "Spike!"

"What?!" He looked down, yelping as he dropped her underwear, "Sorry!"

She shook her head, bending to gather her things up, then looked around, "Oh! I forgot him!"

"Forgot who?" Spike asked as Buffy closed up her suitcase, and she looked at him, "Mr. Gordo! I forgot him!"

"Who the hell is Mr. Gordo?!"

"My pig! I've had him since I was two years old! I can't sleep without him!"

"Well...you're going to have to deal for one night..." Spike nearly groaned as she looked up at him with pleading eyes, "No."

"I have to get unpacked...and I'm hungry..."

"Nnnnoooo..."

"Please, Spike? It'll only take you ten minutes in your car...and I can't drive...especially that tank of yours..."

Spike shook his head, trying to ignore the way her lower lip was trembling, "Right...I'm feelin' a bit peckish myself...and have to stop at Willy's for a bite anyway...and your house is on the way..." He said, as if to convince himself, "Guess I could stop..."

Buffy smiled brightly, jumping to her feet and throwing her arms around his neck, "Thanks, Spike!" She said, missing the almost goofy grin on his face as she hugged him.

"Um...welcome..." He muttered, breaking out of her grasp, "Right...should get going then..." He said, turning on his heel, and Buffy smiled as she went back out to the living room, heading into the kitchen.

She opened the fridge and grabbed out the orange juice, then frowned, looking around the full fridge, then opened the vegetable crisper. She glanced towards the door as it closed behind Spike, then back down at the ten blood packs in the crisper. "Thanks," she repeated beneath her breath with a small smile as she closed the door again.

Spike was cursing himself for a fool as he returned to the apartment, stuffed pig in hand. He froze, seeing a familiar brown-haired boy snogging his wife on his very couch.

Riley broke the kiss as Spike stopped behind him, and Buffy looked up towards him as he dropped the stuffed animal on her lap in silence, stalking towards his bedroom, and slamming the door behind him.

"What's his problem?" Riley asked, and she shrugged, picking up Mr. Gordo, cradling him to his chest, and Riley rolled his eyes, "I will never understand your love affair with that ratty old thing."

Buffy gasped, covering Mr. Gordo's ears, "Don't! You'll hurt his feelings!"

Riley laughed, plucking the pig out of her fingers and planting a kiss on her lips. "You're such a kid, sometimes."

Buffy grabbed Mr. Gordo back, "I'm not a kid," She pouted, and Riley smiled.

"Whatever you say, Buffy..."

/Bloody fucking priceless.../Spike thought to himself, covering his ears with his pillow, trying to block out the horrific sounds coming from the room next to his. Figured. The walls were paper-thin.

/My wedding night...and monkey boy is consummating my wife! Christ! Could he grunt any louder?! He sounds like an 'effin bull in heat!/

He slammed his fist against the headboard, "People are tryin' to bloody /SLEEP/!" He shouted in annoyance.

Riley's sounds of lovemaking only seemed to get louder, and Spike snarled, jumping out of bed and digging through his bureau drawer, finding his fags and lighting one up.

Before he was done with the one cigarette, he heard Riley let out a final grunt, and thanked the Powers that Riley was only human, and thus only had human endurance.

After half an hour, he heard Buffy's door open, and then her going into their shared bathroom across the hall.

He raised an eyebrow, stepping out of his bedroom as the shower went on, glancing in her bedroom. Riley was lying on her bed, sleeping. /Humans...phhttt.../

He passed the bathroom on his way to the kitchen, and saw Mr. Gordo lying on the couch. He picked the stuffed pig up, inspecting it, "Bloody strange girl..." He said aloud, then shrugged, "Eh...at least she doesn't talk to it."

He bounced it in the air as he headed back to his room, pausing outside the bathroom, raising his knuckles to knock, then froze, eyebrows shooting up.

He heard muffled moans coming from the other side of the door, barely masked by the running water, and he looked at the door in shock. "Jesus H. Christ..." He muttered, then glanced at Riley's still form. /What a man...sleeping...while she's bringing herself off in the shower.../"Pathetic..." He shook his head, wondering what the Slayer saw in the boy.

He jumped when the shower shut off, and the door opened. Buffy nearly screamed as she jumped back, pulling a towel off the rack, "Spike!"

He averted his eyes politely as she blushed furiously, "Sorry...I'm so used to living with just my mom around," She said, wrapping the towel around herself, and Spike chuckled.

"Don't hear me complaining...by all means...streak all you want."

"What were you doing lurking at the door?" Buffy asked suspiciously, a high flush coming to her cheeks, wondering if he had been listening at the door.

Spike glanced at her, holding up Mr. Gordo, "So you can sleep," He explained, "And I think someone was complainin' earlier about blood breath?"

She took Mr. Gordo from her, sighing as she glanced at the pig, "Ugh...I'm such a kid."

"What? Cause you like a stuffed animal? Please...I still sleep with a security blanket."

Buffy gaped at him, "You do?"

"Not lately," He said with a smile, "Someone burned my blanky in a big factory fire."

"Now you're messin' with my head," She whacked him in the chest with her stuffed pig, "But thanks."

"Welcome," He said, brushing past her to get into the bathroom, then peeked his head back out, "I was serious about the streakin' thing..."

She held up Mr. Gordo threateningly, and he laughed, ducking back into the bathroom.

Buffy smiled, shaking her head as she returned to her bedroom, sighing as she slid back in beside Riley, glancing at her boyfriend before curling up on her side with Mr. Gordo and falling asleep.

"Slayer...stop laughing!"

"Sorry!" Buffy said through giggles.

Spike sighed deeply, shaking his head, "Babs...if we're going to pull this off, we're goin' to have to know this stuff."

"Stop callin' me that," Buffy grimaced at him, looking through the ten pages of questions that Willow had made up, thinking that the INS agent assigned to them might ask them those sort of things. She would be there in less then half an hour to quiz them. /This is waaayyy worse then school./

"What's your favorite scary movie? She has to be kidding!"

"That one's easy," Spike said, flipping through his packet, "Dances with Wolves."

"That's not a scary movie!"

Spike looked up at her, "Dru had a major thing for Costner at the time...she watched the damn thing over...and over...and over again...it's scary."

"I stand corrected," She said, then shrugged, "At least it wasn't Waterworld."

"Don't even get me started..."

Buffy giggled, shaking her head, "All right...here's one...what's your favorite animal?"

"Pandas," He answered with a straight face, and Buffy looked up at him, "Seriously, I like pandas."

"All right..." She scribbled that down, looking up at him, "Aren't you going to ask me anything?"

"Huh?" He looked up at her, closing his packet, "I'm finished."

"No way. Those questions were hard."

He shrugged, tossing his packet to her, and she looked through them, "Okay...way wiggy. You answered them all right! Except...my favorite movie is not Bambi."

Spike raised an eyebrow at her, "Well, it's not!"

"Babs..."

Buffy sighed, "You tell anyone, you're dead," She grumbled, "How'd you know all that?"

"Know thy enemy," He answered with a small smirk, and she shook her head.

"Fine...now help me finish mine," She muttered, "Hobby...oh that's easy. Torturing people with railroad spikes."

"Macram."

"Ok, now you're kidding."

"Yeah...but it's fun watching your eyes go all wide," He said with a grin, "And actually, it's painting."

"You paint?" Buffy eyed him doubtfully, "No way!"

"Yep," Spike shrugged, "They're in storage right now. And most of them are portraits of Dru. I picked it up after I was turned...got bored during the daytime and I couldn't read yet. I haven't painted in awhile, though. Conditions in the crypt weren't the best...it was damp, and the paint wouldn't dry...and wasn't much in the mood before that."

"Cause of Dru?"

"That...and before that I was stuck in the bleedin' wheelchair. Depressed an' all that."

"What about now?"

Spike shrugged, "Maybe," He said, "Could do a portrait of you, I guess..." He ducked his head slightly, "If you want, I mean..."

"I'd love it," Buffy said, smiling as she looked down at her papers, "Right...painting, hobby..." She suddenly started to giggle, looking up at him, "How many kids you want?"

"Two," He replied right away, and Buffy raised an eyebrow, "How convenient...same amount I'd want."

"Eh...with two, you don't have the only child being lonely...and you can manage the little bastards easier then three."

"I'd appreciate that you wouldn't call our kids bastards, husband dearest," Buffy said in false anger, "What will little Peter and Jenna say?"

"Peter? I don't think so...my son's name is going to be named William."

"Oh...don't I get any say in the matter?"

"Slayer...considering we'd have to be having sex...oh...and one of has to get a body temperature..."

"'All right, all right..." She rolled her eyes, looking down again, "Hair color..."

"Brown."

"What? You're not a natural blond?" She said in mock horror, "You lied to me!"

Spike chuckled, "Next question, Babs."

"We're not naming him William."

Spike raised an eyebrow as he answered the door, seeing Willow standing on the doorstep. She was wearing a dress-suit, held a clipboard, and even had a pair of fake, wire-rimmed glasses on her nose.

"Well...it's the mini-Watcher."

"I am Willow Rosenberg...and I'm going to be your case worker," She said in an official tone, ignoring his jibe, "Are you William Bolden?"

"No...I'm James Fucking Dean..."

Willow gave him a scathing look, "Spike, try and take this seriously! Pretend I'm for real."

"Sorry, sorry," The vampire rolled his eyes, "Babs, the loony's here!"

Buffy took one look at Willow and started to giggle, "What? Did you start channeling Giles this afternoon?" She teased, and Willow sighed.,

"I'm deducting points for making fun of the agent," She said, holding her pencil above her paper threateningly.

"Sorry," Buffy rolled her eyes, "Come in...Miss Rosenberg."

"Thank you, you must be Buffy," Willow said, slipping back into her act, and Spike shook his head as he closed the door behind her.

"This is goin' to be a looonnnggg night."

"Okay...Spike's ten for ten...and Buffy's...zero for ten."

Buffy pulled a face as Spike smirked at her, and Willow tapped her pencil against her clipboard, "And you two are both losing points for /that/!" She pointed at the couch they were sitting on and Spike frowned.

"Why? Don't like the color?"

"You could try sitting in the same time zone as Buffy," Willow pointed out. The two blonds were sitting on completely opposite sides of the couch.

Spike glanced at Buffy, then rolled his eyes as he scooted next to her, still about a foot apart. Willow sighed, "You two are never going to pull this off if you can't even be in the same room together!"

Spike looked at Buffy again, and she eyed him warily. He suddenly grinned rakishly, grabbing her around the waist and plopping her on his lap. "Spike!"

"Oh...that's way better," Willow said, nodding her approval, and Buffy rolled her eyes, sitting stiffly on top of him. "Relax, Slayer...it's not like I can bite you," He muttered in her ear, and she forced her body to relax, resting against his chest with his head propped up by her shoulder.

She noticed idly that his body fitted to hers exactly, but was distracted when Willow began tapping her pencil against her clipboard, "Kay...this is an easy one...Spike, who is Buffy's best friend?"

"You..." She gave him a look, and he rolled his eyes, "Willow Rosenberg...short, has red hair...scrunches up her cute little nose when she's annoyed...good with math and computers."

"Cute little nose?" Buffy repeated as Willow scrunched it up, "You're not supposed to flirt with your case worker! Especially with your wife sitting on you!"

"Oh, come on..." He grinned at her, "Don't I get a few extra points for that?"

"No!" Buffy said, giving him a glare. Why did he come off saying that Willow's nose was cute?! Her nose was cute too, but he didn't say anything about that! /Whoa, Buff...don't tell me you want Spike to say you have a cute nose!/

"Ah...don't worry, Babs," He kissed the tip of her nose, eyes shining mischievously, "You have the cutest nose around."

She almost squeaked in surprise. It was like he had read her mind! She was so surprised she forgot to smack him for kissing her as the vampire turned his attention back to Willow, his arms still wrapped around her small body. "Next question."

"How long have you been together?"

Spike and Buffy glanced at each other, "Let's just say three years...cause that's how long I knew you," Buffy said, and Spike nodded, hiding his grin. That meant that she was going to pretend that she hadn't been with Angel when he had first come to Sunnydale. That was fine by him. The less mention of his Sire, the better.

"Okay...Buffy...what's Spike favorite color?"

Buffy frowned slightly, "Uh...pink?"

Spike glared at her, and Willow groaned.

"How'd they do?" Tara asked from the bed when Willow returned.

"He's doomed."

Spike nervously fumbled with his tie as Buffy sat out some coffee and scones that Giles had flown in from England for the occasion.

"I don't see why I have to wear this," Spike complained and Buffy rolled her eyes, "We're trying to make a good impression," She said, adjusting her light pink sun-dress. Spike glanced at her as she bent, exposing a length of tanned thigh, and quickly looked towards the ceiling, "We're never going to be able to do this!"

"Well...if you keep your mouth shut, and don't call me Slayer, we should be fine."

"Me keep my mouth shut? Who told the Witch my favorite movie was The Lost Boys? I bloody hate that flick!"

"Well...I couldn't remember the other one," Buffy said, "And besides, he won't know the difference as long as you don't say anything different!"

"He's probably goin' to interview us separately, luv. If he gets different answers, he's goin' to suspect something!"

"We're never going to pull this off," Buffy muttered beneath her breath as the doorbell rang and moved to open it.

Her eyes widened slightly when she was met with a beautiful, leggy blond, wearing an ash-colored dress suit with a skirt so short that Ally McBeal would blush to wear.

"I'm Alison Denoir," She announced in a clipped, snotty voice, "I'm Mr. Bolden's case worker."

"Um...Buffy Summers..." Spike cleared his throat behind her, and she quickly added, "Bolden...Buffy Summers Bolden."

"Yes, well...that is still to be determined," Alison brushed past her rudely, and Buffy's eyes narrowed slightly as she closed the door, but when she turned around, there was a bright, albeit plastic smile on her face.

Spike openly gawked at the pretty woman as he offered his hand, "William Bolden..." He said, willing his eyes to stay away from her incredible legs, and Buffy glared at him over Alison's shoulder, "Should we get started then?"

"Yes, let's," She sat on the couch, shuffling through the papers in her briefcase, "As you know, many illegals attempt to beat the deportation process," She lifted her cold, green eyes, pinning them with her basilisk-like stare, obviously accusing them of doing said crime. "I'm meant to flush out the true marriages from the hoaxes...and I am very good at my job."

Spike and Buffy exchanged a look, and she went towards him, taking his hand with a reassuring smile, leading him towards the couch opposite Alison, "Well, you can assure yourself that I'm totally in love with Spike," Buffy said, practically batting her lashes at him, and he gritted his teeth together. /Don't lay it on too thick, dumb ass.../he thought, but was unable to ignore the flutter in his stomach at her words.

"Spike?" Alison repeated, and Buffy glanced towards her, "Oh...he picked it up in high school...he played volley ball...you know...Spike."

/Volley ball? /Spike smiled at Buffy tensely, "Right...and she was right there...cheering her little head off...She looked so cute in that tiny little skirt of hers with her pompoms..."

Buffy flashed him a winning smile, though her nails were digging into his arm as she forced her attention back to Alison, "So...uh...what do we need to do to prove that we're madly deeply in love?"

Alison glanced at Spike, who was clenching his jaw, then at Buffy who was smiling far too brightly.

"This shouldn't take long at all," She said, and Buffy and Spike exchanged a worried look.

Buffy sighed deeply as she glanced towards Spike, who was standing stiffly in front of the entertainment center, his jaw clenched as he sifted through his video collection.

Alison didn't seem to believe them for a second, and she didn't blame her. She was sure Spike was sporting nail marks in his arm and her mouth was sore from smiling so much.

Spike finally chose a video and popped it in the VCR as he flopped on the couch, lying out lengthwise.

He wasn't talking to her since the disaster that was their first meeting with their caseworker, and she didn't blame him either. She had made a total mess of things, and he was probably going to be deported, after all the trouble they had gone through.

She sighed again, then smiled slightly as she glanced into the pantry and grabbed out some popcorn. She could at least start making it up to him a bit. She popped some in the microwave, and by the time it was done, the movie was starting.

She jumped over the back of the couch and landed with a bounce, and Spike growled at her, "Go 'way."

"Nope," She said cheerfully, "I wanna watch the movie."

"Sod off, it's my movie."

"Sorry, Spike. I own half of everything, remember? You forgot to arrange for a pre-nup!"

"What? Oh...bloody hell!" Spike glared at her, "You're a nuisance."

"And you married me. What does that say about you?"

"Obviously I was bloody desperate!" Spike snapped, and then immediately regretted it when Buffy pouted and turned her attention back to the TV. "What's this?"

"Monty Python," He grunted sullenly as she shoved the popcorn in his face and he sighed as he lay on his back, head propped on the armrest, "Oh! I love this one! With the killer rabbit..."

"Don't you ever shut up?" He asked in exasperation as she wriggled on the couch, trying to get a comfortable position. He rolled his eyes in annoyance, and grabbed her arm, jerking her down almost on top of him, "And hold still!"

"Sorry!" She said with a wounded sniff, and then lay on her side , pressing her butt against his stomach until he was forced to scoot over and lay spooned against her back. "Comfy?" He asked sarcastically, and she nodded, "Now shush...they're talkin' about the sparrows."

He rolled his eyes as he reached around her waist to grab some popcorn. Buffy settled herself more comfortably against him, her eyes on the screen. As the movie went on, he became a bit more comfortable to their position, and even began to absently toy with her hair, one of his arms draped over her waist so that he could reach the popcorn if he wanted too. He was too absorbed in his favorite movie of all time to notice it.

Buffy giggled as Lancelot stormed Swamp Castle, listening to Spike's deep, baritone laugh, his chest rumbling against her back. She began to idly trace patterns on the back of his hand, which was resting near the popcorn, "I love this movie. I musta watched it a million times when I was little."

Spike chuckled, and she was once again treated to the pleasant vibrations against her body, "Yeah...classic Brit cinema. Saw them once in person...at one of their shows. Dru wanted me to turn Cleese, but I didn' have the heart."

"She wanted you to turn John Cleese? Why?"

"She liked all the carnage Lancelot did in the movie. Had to explain a million times to her that movies weren't real, and he probably wouldn't be like that. Finally had to take her out of London to keep her from doing it herself. Bloody nuisance...didn't understand that you can't turn celebrities...too much attention and it's harder to hide them. Just look at Elvis...people are still seeing him!"

"Elvis is a vampire?" Buffy turned a bit to look up at Spike with wide eyes, "You're kidding, right?"

"Nope. Some bloody fan of his decided that he was getting to fat and old and didn't want the old bugger to die, so he turned him. Caused many a'problem in the vamp world. Don't rightly know where he is now...but heard that he was in Vegas...doing impersonations of himself."

"Wiggy. My mom would freak if I had to slay Elvis. She has a secret love affair for him."

Spike laughed, shaking his head, "Your mum is a strange woman."

"Don't you start on my /mother/."

Spike glanced at her in surprise, and she was smiling cheekily at him, "Just kiddin'."

"She's my mum too now, remember?" Spike teased back, and Buffy rolled her eyes, "Ugh...don't remind me."

"At least that's one good thing," Spike sighed, "Never knew me real mum. I was an orphan."

"Really?" Buffy raised an eyebrow, glancing at the screen, but had lost interest in the movie for now. It wasn't often Spike shared anything about himself...unless it was to Joyce.

"Yep...died either when I was bein' born, or just after. Grew up in an orphanage...sent to a workhouse when I was old enough to work."

Buffy turned all the way to face him, "Tell me," She said, "I mean...like you were when you were little..."

"Well...it's not a pleasant story, pet," Spike said warily, "You wouldn't want to hear it..."

"Please?" She pleaded, her hazel eyes opening wide and beseechingly.

Spike sighed, /oh...bloody hell.../

"Right...anyways...I was born William Bolden...or at least that's what they tell me...sometimes if they didn't know the kid's name, they'd just pop one on the records. Grew up in an orphanage...it was a 'orrible place, believe me. It was dirty, cold and smelly. Sometimes, you'd get beaten up for the shoes on your feet or for the blankets on your bed. And food? Forget it. You had a bit of thin soup, and maybe some hard bread that you had to scrape the mold off of. I was a sickly chap, most of the time. I was too thin and weak for much of anything, really.

"Always was passed over by the prospective parents come to take children away from the blasted place. I always was too thin...too pale. Not something a person was lookin' for in a son. Though, some women would comment I was a pretty enough chap, with my fair hair and big eyes...but the men didn't want pretty. They wanted strong and robust...stuff that the other boys were, not me."

Buffy listened, enthralled, feeling sympathy already for the boy Spike once was. She could almost picture him, the way he looked with his thin frame and ragged clothes, his face smudged with dirt. She kept forgetting that in the time he grew up, things were a lot worse for people, and she was so used to luxury. She knew that he'd probably have killed for even a bit of the things she took for granted. At least then, he would've.

"After about three years of that, I gave up on being adopted...never was going to happen, obviously, not while I was such a poor-looking chap. When I was ten, they sent me to a workhouse...and this wasn't one of those fancy Kathie Lee sweatshops either. You'd work nearly twelve hours a day for a morsal of bread and some thin soup that didn't nourish you...and if you were too slow, they just replaced you with a hardier chap.

"It was a brutal existence. The labor was backbreaking, and I was never strong to begin with, so you can imagine how it was for me. One day, I fell off a ladder, and nearly broke my leg. Couldn't come into work for a week, and when I came back, they had already replaced me. The orphanage wouldn't take me back, so I was on my own, on the streets of London..."

Spike had a faraway look in his eyes, and seemed oblivious to Buffy's presence as he relieved his past. His arm was still hanging over her waist, and sometimes it would tighten around around her, as if he was unconsciously seeking comfort.

Spike suddenly glanced at her, "The rest of it ain't pretty, Slayer," he warned her, and she smiled, "I think I can handle it," She assured him.

He shook his head slightly, sighing, "Fine...but can't say I didn't warn you," He muttered, wondering why he was even bothering telling her this crap. He never told anyone this kind of stuff before, even Dru. By the time she joined their 'family,' he had already made his reputation as Spike, and his past didn't seem that important anymore.

"I thought life was hard before that..." He snorted, shaking his head again, "It was bloody 'orrible out on the streets. I wasn't a strong chap...or particular smart. I was always fallen victim to the other boys livin' on the streets. If I managed to beg a bit of bread or money, it was stolen in the next moment. So, in order to survive, I learned to pickpocket. Me being so thin and all finally came in handy, since I could slip through the crowds a bit easier. Sometimes, I could come away with five to ten purses a night...afford meself a bed or a meal. Those were the good nights."

Now there was the Spike she was used too. The one that filched a five dollar bill off Giles' dresser the one time. However, it was apparent he didn't need to do it now, and she wondered if it was simply force of habit.

"Most of the time, I slept in a dirty alley, sometimes a doorway if I could find one that was unoccupied. Had to be careful though. A bloke could be knifed for being in someone else's doorway. And I had to be careful of other things as well..." His grip tightened on her slightly.

"I was workin' the docks one night, and was about to grab this one bloke's purse..." his jaw tightened, "But he caught me...and...uh...well...he raped me."

Buffy gasped, her eyes going wide, and Spike glanced down at her, "Happened from time to time, pet. It was the first time...but it wasn't the bloody last time either. It happened...and it didn' help that I was so small and fine looking, ya know. Sometimes, they'd at least leave me a bit o' money, but not often...so I had to learn to defend myself. Paid an older boy to teach me to fight...mostly resulting in lots of fat lips and bloody noses...but I caught on a bit. Didn't help me too much cause of my size. So...the kid gave me a knife. Just a small thing, really, nuthin' much. But I learned to use it...in robbing and protectin' myself.

"After that, if someone tried to 'urt me, I'd rip my knife across 'is belly. Spill his guts, most of the time. Earned me the moniker, William the Bloody, in the papers...I was barely thirteen. The last couple of years 'fore I ran into Angelus, it went on like that. Me fighting to survive...whorin' and drinkin' when I 'ad enough money, sometimes getting a roof over my head for the night. Don't know how many I killed over the years, maybe hundreds...hard to tell, really...never was much interested in the numbers...mostly cause I couldn't read or count.

"When I was around...maybe twenty-three...twenty-four...don't really know my age, I was a bit stronger, still a bit short, wiry strength, really...I marked Angelus...thought he would be an easy one. Long story short...he caught me...admired me...and unfortunately thought I was a good looking chap like the rest of them..."

"He turned you cause you were good-looking?" Buffy said, and Spike smiled, raising an eyebrow, "You're surprised, pet?" He asked, surprised himself. He had been sure the Watcher or even Peaches himself would have told her something so basic about vampires.

She nodded, and he shook his head slightly, "Vamps, Slayer, as a rule, don't care much about your sex..."

"What about you?"

Spike chuckled, "Are you askin' if me and Angelus ever..."

"Yeah..." She blushed, "I mean...he didn't say..."

"Yeah, pet. We did...don't make us gay, though. It was a form of Childe-Sire bonding..." Spike rolled his eyes, "Although, the git was a pain in the arse..."

Buffy giggled, and Spike glanced at her, "What?"

"Spike, repeat that sentence in your mind..."

Spike laughed, his grip on her tightening a bit, "You've got a dirty mind," He teased her, and she rolled her eyes, "You said it, not me."

"Your turn."

"My turn what?"

"I shared, you share now."

"What do you want to know about?"

"Tell me about when you were called...I don't usually meet Slayers at the point, and was always a bit curious as to what happens."

"Well...Giles wasn't my first Watcher...it was this guy, Merrick..."

Riley was gritting his teeth together as he removed the key Buffy had given him from his pocket. Buffy had broken their date the night before without so much as a call. He had figured on a Slayer emergency, but when he had talked to Willow just that morning, she said that there had been no such thing.

He unlocked the door to Buffy and Spike's apartment, glancing around with a frown. No one appeared to be home. He sighed, turning to go again, then paused when he heard someone moving on the couch.

He shook his head slightly, going towards the couch, then froze, his eyes widening.

Buffy was laying on it, asleep with Spike spooned against her back. His face was buried in the curve of her neck and his arms were wrapped around her, and Buffy had a small smile on her face.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything!" He snapped angrily.

Spike jerked awake with a snarl, shooting straight up, causing Buffy to roll off the couch with a yelp as she hit the coffee table. "OW! Dammit, Spike!"

Spike calmed down when he saw it was Riley, then gave Buffy a glare, "You gave him a key to /my/ flat?!"

"It's our...flat!" Buffy shot back, rubbing her bruised elbow, then looked up at her boyfriend, "Hey, Riley...jeez...what time is it?"

"Nearly noon," The boy ground out, crossing his arms over his chest, "So, what did I miss?"

"Mmm?" Buffy looked confused, then flushed, "Oh...that."

"Yes.../THAT!/"

"Don't get your knickers in a wad," Spike growled, brushing past him on the way to the fridge, "We stayed up late watchin' movies and fell asleep on the couch."

Riley glanced at Buffy, who stood up finally, "Ohhhh...my leg's asleep..."

"Really? Thought there'd be some circulation 'cause someone was kicking me all night," Spike said, and Buffy pulled a face at him, "And someone kept growling obscenities."

"What can I say? I was dreaming about eating you," Spike replied, and Riley glared at him before looking at Buffy again, "You didn't show up for our date."

"Oh...fuck!"

Spike raised an eyebrow at her uncharatistic bad language as he popped his blood in the microwave, sitting back to enjoy a good lovers' quarrel.

"Sorry, Riley...but I totally blew it in front of the case worker...and Spike was pissed and depressed...so I tried to cheer him up."

"Hmph...and sleeping with him did that, I bet."

"Riley, I did not sleep with Spike! I mean...I did! But not like sex-sleeping!"

Spike rolled his eyes, deciding that if that was her argument, this was going to end with him in a dust buster.

"Right...you were getting all cozy on the couch with him!"

"Oh for...mate! She's the Slayer! If you think in a million years I'd ever want her skinny arse, you're wrong!" Spike snapped, grabbing his blood, "Do I look bloody insane?!" He stalked out of the living room and retreated to his bedroom to continue his sleep uninterrupted.

Riley forced himself to calm down, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He missed the almost wounded look Buffy shot towards Spike's retreating back, then glanced at her boyfriend as he opened his eyes again.

"Sorry...didn't mean to get mad...the guy gets on my nerves," Riley apologized, smiling slowly, "What say we go out and see a movie or something? There's a good one playing."

"Sure..." Buffy muttered softly, "Just let me get dressed and we can jet."

Meeting two with the caseworker was going to be harder then the last one. At least this time, Joyce and Giles were allowed to attend, and hopefully quell any tension between Buffy and Spike...of which there was plenty.

Giles was acting as Spike's 'Uncle,' pretending to be the man who raised him. It was a natural choice, considering they were both from the same town and had English accents, even if Spike's was a lot less cultured and peppered with colorful language.

Buffy wasn't talking to Spike, and shot him glares every so often, leaving the vampire, as well as Giles and Joyce confused. Neither of them could figure out why she was angry, since Spike insisted he had been nicer then usual.

Buffy slammed down a tray of tea on the table and stalked past Spike to go to the kitchen and grab the cream out of the fridge. Spike shot a desperate look at Joyce, who sighed, leaving the two Brits to get their stories straight.

"Buffy, honey, what's wrong?" Joyce asked in concern as Buffy brutally slaughtered an apple she was trying to peel.

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong at all, mother," Buffy said, stabbing the peeler into the apple in frustration, and Joyce arched an eyebrow, "Then why are you massacring that poor piece of fruit?"

"Pissed me off," She muttered, and then her eyes widened when she realized what she had said to her mother, "Uh...what I mean..."

Joyce sighed, shaking her head, "Why are you so angry, dear? Did you and Riley have a fight?"

"No, we didn't," Buffy said, then sighed, "Spike's being such an uber-jerk."

"What?!" Spike's keen hearing picked up what she said, "I haven't done a bloody thing! I haven't bloody threatened your friends...haven't said two words to you in the past four bleedin' weeks since you won't talk to me...haven't even made fun of Captain Cardboard! What in the fuck did I do?!"

Buffy glared at him, "As if you don't know!" She snapped, "I'm going to get changed!" She stalked into her bedroom and slammed the door shut behind her.

"That's the sixth time she's changed today!" Spike said in exasperation, looking at Giles, who could only shake his head in confusion, "According to my calendar, it's not time for her...uh..."

"She's not PMS-ing," Joyce broke in, "She's on the same cycle as me. So that's not it..."

"She had that last week," Spike grumbled, "And believe me, that was fucking fun."

"Language, dear, and are you sure you didn't do anything?"

"Oh, sure!" Spike threw his hands in the air with a frustrated growl, "Blame the vamp. That's how it always is!" He stalked towards the door, "Cause someone's being a BITCH, I'm in trouble!"

Buffy threw open her door, now dressed in a short, dark purple dress, "I'm not being a bitch! You're being an asshole!"

"Buffy! Spike!" Joyce tried to break in, but the two blonds were already into it.

"Oh, first I'm a jerk, now I'm an asshole?!" Spike fairly shrieked at her, "Who's the one whose' fucking ruining my chances of staying in this goddamn country!?"

"You're always complaining about Sunnydale, Spike! Why don't you just go, and leave me the hell alone!" She yelled, slamming the door in his facif">d locking it.

He jiggled the handle angrily, "Open the goddamn door, Slayer!" He snapped, "SO I CAN KICK YOUR SKINNY..." He suddenly snapped his mouth shut, his eyes going wide, "Oh, that's it, isn't it?! What I bloody said to Cardboard!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" He heard drawers slamming in her room, and he smirked, "Oh...poor Slayer...all upset cause I said she wasn't worth the time of day..."

"Oh, dear..." Giles shook his head, glancing at Joyce, "He's really going to get himself hurt..."

Joyce glanced towards the clock worriedly, "Rupert...maybe you should wait downstairs for this woman...while I try to calm the children down..."

Giles nodded in relief. He had refereed over many Spike-Buffy special fights, and had no real wish to do so again. He left things in Joyce's capable hands and retreated down the hall to wait for Alison to show up.

"Like I give a shit about what you say!" Buffy snapped, "And you can forget me coming out! Convince her you're married by yourself!"

"Slayer..." Spike ground his teeth together, "I'm not fuckin' kidding...you open this door..."

Joyce laid a hand on his shoulder, shaking her head at him as she said in a stern voice, "Buffy Anne Summers, you will open this door right this instant!"

"Mom...!"

"NOW!" Spike flinched at her tone of voice, then smirked when he heard the Slayer sigh on the other end and undo the lock.

Joyce slipped in before Spike could move, and locked the door behind her again.

Spike gaped at the door in surprise, "Um...hello...?"

"We'll be right out, Spike...why don't you pour the tea?" Joyce suggested, and Spike rolled his eyes, going to do so as he shook his head, "Women!"

"Men!" Buffy seethed as she ransacked her closet, her eyes narrowed, "They're so stupid!"

Joyce looked amused as her daughter discarded outfit after outfit, "Buffy...what did Spike do to upset you?"

"He was Spike, of course!" Buffy ground out, then looked down at her body. She really was too skinny...she could see that now. She used to have bigger breasts, and she could see her ribs. /I used to eat like a horse and never gain weight.../she sighed, grabbing a green shirt out of her closet and holding it against her body.

"As opposed to other times when he isn't Spike?" Joyce asked, pulling Buffy out of her thoughts.

"It's just...he was being so nice...and I almost forgot what a jackass he was...and then he reminded me," Buffy huffed, discarding the green shirt as well, "I don't have anything to wear!" She wailed after a few seconds, and Joyce sighed.

"You have a million clothes lying on the floor, and you're telling me you have nothing to wear?"

"Mooommmm! You're not helping!"

"Sorry," Once again, Joyce looked amused, and Buffy shot her a look, "What are you smiling at?"

"Nothing...I just haven't seen you like this since LA."

"Like how?"

"Obsessing over your clothes so much," Joyce shrugged, and Buffy snorted, "Hmmphh...it's not like anyone'll notice with Queen Ice-Bitch out there..." She muttered beneath her breath, and Joyce raised an eyebrow, "Who?"

"Alison...she's a total ice-queen," Buffy muttered, scowling as she remembered the way Spike had been ogling her legs. "Bastard."

Joyce shook her head in confusion. She never could figure out her daughter...even before she started Slaying. It was better to just sit back and watch worriedly, hoping that she wouldn't get hurt, like she seemed too be quite often.

Buffy finally settled on a knee-length black skirt and a V-neck blue sweater that clung to her curves nicely and a pair of black flats for her feet.

Spike looked up as they came out, and huffed, "'Bout bleedin' time!"

Buffy glared at him, "Listen, buddy...you're still on my shit list!"

"Oh for..." Spike shook his head in exasperation, "Why the hell do you care if I insult you or not?! We're mortal bloody enemies!"

"I thought we were bloody friends!" She snapped, mimicking his accent on the word bloody, "You didn't have to be such a butt-head."

Spike hissed through his teeth, raking his hand through his hair, "Fine! I'm sorry!"

"Fine! I'm sorry too!" She snapped back at him, and they both glared at each other steadily before turning their backs on each other.

Joyce looked upwards, as if praying for strength, "Oh Lord..."

Giles listened to the shouting coming from the apartment, then glanced at the short, bald man next to him, "They're a little...high-strung..."

The man smiled, nodding, "Understandable. Everyone thinks that newlyweds are are blissful and stuff. Then they move in together, and all hell breaks loose."

Giles stifled a chuckle. The man didn't know the half of it. He opened the door to see Buffy and Spike pointedly not looking at each other, and Joyce looking as through she would rather be somewhere else...preferably on the other side of the planet.

Spike and Buffy looked towards the two men curiously.

"Um...this is Mr. Pickering...he'll be taking over..."

"Miss Denoir had an unfortunate accident...she won't be joining us any longer..."

Buffy shot Spike an accusing look, and he frowned, "What?"

"Nothing!" Buffy snapped, stalking towards the couch, and Spike grunted in annoyance, digging his cigarettes out of his pocket, ignoring the glare Buffy sent at him. He had already given up his dignity for her...and there was no way in hell he was giving up his fags.

Or his booze...there was a thought. He grabbed a flask out of his pocket and was about to add a generous amount to the tea Buffy had poured, but Joyce cleared her throat, giving him a look.

He sighed, putting it away, "Bloody women..."

As Mr. Pickering settled himself in a chair across from the couple, he noticed that the tension in the air was thick enough to cut with a knife...and also noted the way Joyce was shooting the two blonds exasperated looks, and the way Giles kept removing his glasses to polish them, muttering beneath his breath.

"So...William, I understand Rupert Giles is your uncle?" Mr. Pickering asked, and Spike nodded stiffly, "Yeah...the git pratically raised me after me mum died."

Giles sent him a scathing look, "Spike..."

"What? Don't you get on me too!"

"Both of you, stop it!" Joyce hissed, shooting Mr. Pickering a wan smile, "Um...you really came at a bad time..."

"Noted," Mr. Pickering smiled, "Is this your first lovers' spat?"

Buffy snorted, "Yeah...right!"

"Slayer...kiss my..."

"Spike!"

Mr. Pickering sighed, shaking his head, "I take that as a no. Do you fight often?"

"Yeah...ask her how many times she's punched me in the last year."

"Like you didn't deserve it, you ass," Buffy retorted, "Always begging around for money and selling-out me and my friends to Adam..."

"OH! Are you still on /THAT/?! Come on! I made up for that already!"

"Uh-uh...and what about you calling me SKINNY?!"

"You need to eat something, Slayer! You're a bloody bag of bones! How you survived this long is beyond me! Looks like a stiff breeze will blow you away!"

"I'm not skinny!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!

"ARE TOO! ARE TOO!"

"Oh lord," Joyce shook her head as Buffy glared at Spike, "You're such a freaking child, Spike!"

"Oh, now I'm a child?! News flash, pet, I'M EVIL!"

"Ha! You're only quasi-evil!" Buffy smirked at him, "You're not even scary any more. Face it, Spike, you're not the big bad anymore!"

"Oh...like soldier boy is all that better?!"

"He's normal, unlike you, you big...leathery freak!"

"Oh...that stings...why don't you tell everyone what you do in the shower?!"

Buffy paled as Spike leered at her, and then she stood, punching him in the face so hard the couch rocked, then tipped over, sending the vampire rolling across the floor, "BLOODY 'ELL!"

"YOU'RE A PIG!" Buffy screamed at him as he got back to his feet, then ducked another punch, still smirking. "That all you got, Slayer?"

She growled as she launched herself at him, knocking him back down, and the other three people in the room watched as the two blonds rolled across the floor, pummeling on each other. Well, Buffy was pummeling, and Spike was blocking at any rate.

Mr. Pickering glanced at Joyce and Giles. Joyce had her head buried in her hands, and Giles was polishing his glasses, an annoyed look on his face. "Does this happen often?"

"All the time," Giles muttered.

"OW! STOP PULLING MY HAIR, YOU GIRL!"

"Girl!? I'll show you who's a girl, Slayer!"

Spike finally gained the upper hand, and pinned her arms above her head, his body pressing hers into the ground. She was panting heavily, her face flushed from exertion.

Spike was taking his own deep breaths, more by habit as he glared down at her, "Are you done yet?!"

"You're such an asshole!" Buffy snapped at him, wriggling beneath him, trying to get loose as Joyce and Giles tried to occupy Mr. Pickering, telling him about the wedding.

Spike nearly groaned at her movements, "I'm not letting you up till you apologize," He gritted out, trying to ignore the way she felt beneath him, trapped and unable to escape. It was a position he always wanted the Slayer in, but it was always in order to kill her. Now, as he glared down at her, his eyes darkened slightly, taking in her appearance, killing her was the furthermost thing from his mind.

Her hair was mussed, and her face was flushed from fighting him, and her sweater had ridden up, exposing her flat, tanned stomach, her chest hitching as she struggled to regain her breath.

She tried to buck him off, then froze, pretty eyes widening when she felt his erection pressing against her, and swallowed her yelp of surprise. Spike stared down at her, his eyes boring into hers for a few more minutes, his scowl slowly disappearing. He kept his eyes on hers for several more seconds before finally standing and pulling her to her feet, and giving her a gentle shove towards the couch.

She glared at him as she sat down, but was unable to forget the way he had been staring at her so intently, and swallowed her anger for the moment as she smiled wanly at Mr. Pickering, "Sorry about that..."

Mr. Pickering looked a bit pale as he stared at them, both sitting beside each other as if nothing had happened. "Uh...right...maybe...we should put this off...till you're both in a better mood..." He grabbed up his papers and shoved them in his briefcase before beating a hasty retreat.

Immediately, Joyce and Giles were standing, glaring down at them. /Not good.../they both thought as they leaned back with twin sighs, preparing for the lecture.

Buffy sighed as she stared at the wall in front of her. Riley was spooned against her back, his large body crowding her off her own bed. She was barely balancing on the edge as it was, and she grimaced, trying to inch away from Riley's sweaty body.

His arms tightened around her, and she sighed as she disentangled herself from his grasp and slipped on a robe, rolling her eyes. She sighed again as she closed her door behind her, leaning against the cool wood.

She glanced towards Spike's room, shaking her head slightly. If they hadn't screwed things up in front of Alison, they had definitely screwed things up in front of Mr. Pickering.

/Dammit! Can't you do anything right?/ Buffy thought to herself. It wasn't entirely her fault. Spike was just so...argh! He always seemed to get on her last nerve, and knew just how to push her buttons. And he did it so well too.

She hadn't been that shocked to find that Spike had been aroused by their fighting. Often when fighting him, she noticed the telltale bulge in his pants, and would sometimes even feel...it...up against her when they were fighting close-quarters. She knew sex and violence was tied in closely with vampires.

She had been shocked, however, by her own reaction to him. She had actually wished for a minute that he didn't have the chip in his head...that she actually wished they were fighting for real...like old times...tooth and nail...or tooth and stake, as it were. He was her greatest challenge. The one vamp, excepting Drusilla, that she had never been able to stake. He was her Joker to her Batman.../and I soo have to stop hanging around Xander/, she thought with a roll of her eyes. Her analogies were getting weird.

And then, when he had pinned her, instead of fighting...she actually wished that he had fucked her, right there on the floor of the living room! It was official...she was entirely insane...on her way to Loonyville...sharing a padded room with Dru.

However, the vampire had made it quite clear that he had no interest in her, that she wasn't even worth his attention.

Well...they could still be friends...they had been getting along fine till she took his remarks so personally...it was stupid, really. Why would she care whether he wanted her or not? He was her mortal enemy...but they had such fun before everything got messed up by her pride. /Friends...we can be friends.../

She steeled herself, straightening. She would apologize to the vampire, and then hopefully escape with their friendship still intact...and a mutual apology...since she was sure she deserved one too. /Stop talking to yourself and do it!/

She opened Spike's door and quickly shut it behind her, trying not to lose her nerve as she glanced towards his bed, her mouth immediately going dry.

He was lying on his side, facing her, fast asleep...and completely nude, at least from what she could see!

Unintentionally, her eyes roved over him, the orbs growing wide. /Yum! No! Bad Buffy! Spike's bad! You're bad! Oh...damn.../

His lean but muscular body looked like it was carved out of the finest marble. Only two dusky nipples marred his perfect, hard chest. His arm was lying casually over his waist and one strong, thickly muscled leg was lying on top of the the silk covering, while the sheets barely covered his other...assets.

His pale skin stood out against the black silk of the sheets, and she could almost imagine what they would feel like underneath her body as Spike thrust into her...growling in her ear.../Stop it! Stop it right now!/

Spike muttered something in his sleep, shifting slightly, and it seemed like his entire body rippled with the tiny movement, wiry muscles flowing liquidly beneath his skin. Her eyes shot to his face, terrified that he had woken up, but his eyes were still closed, the long, black lashes throwing shadows, making his prominent cheekbones stand out more.

His pink, sensual lips were parted slightly, though no breath escaped from between them, making him look very kissable. Buffy took a step closer towards the bed, taking in the composed look on his face, and the way his hair was tousled, lying against his forehead, giving him an air of almost boyish innocence. The only mar in his chiseled, perfect beauty was the jagged scar through his black eyebrow, giving him an edge of danger, even in sleep.

Buffy didn't often think of men as beautiful...only cute or hot...but Spike was definitely a thing of beauty...perfect...pale...lean...sleek...smooth...cool like marble...no wonder Angel had turned him...he was perfection itself.

She unconsciously reached out, and touched his chest, feeling the muscles ripple beneath her fingertips at her touch. She watched his face carefully, looking for any signs of wakefulness as she brushed her fingertips down his side and towards his narrow hips.

He growled softly, but didn't wake as she ran her fingers along his silky skin, surprised by how soft and hard he felt at the same time. She ran them along his abdomen, feeling the muscles tense up a bit as she started up between his rips, feeling along the bottom of his breasts.

A strange, rumbling sound started up, making his chest to start to vibrate, and Buffy's eyebrows shot up. Spike was purring! She didn't know vampires purred. Angel had never purred around her!

It was a very sexy sound, and she kept her eyes on his face as she continued to play, wondering if she had lost her mind. This was Spike! And her boyfriend was in the next room!

Something bumped against her elbow, and she glanced down, seeing the sheet had tented out around his crotch, and a lavicious smile crossed her lips as she lifted her fingers away from his skin.

Spike whimpered softly, rolling to his back and clutching a pillow to his chest and burying his face in it, still in deep sleep mode, especially as the sun started to crest the horizon.

She slowly pulled the sheets down his body, deciding it couldn't hurt to just take a peek, and her eyes widened. He was well-endowed...very well-endowed...

She hadn't really ever looked at a penis before. Her first time with Angel, the room had been dark, and with Parker, it was over too fast to see much of anything. With Riley, he was always under the sheets, waiting for her to come to him, as if he was some sort of reclining king.

She took a moment to admire his size before /really/ studying it. It was long, and thick, nestled in a nest of dark curls, and his balls looked well formed and heavy. She saw he was uncircumcised, and was curious to why...but didn't think waking Spike up at this point to ask was a good idea. Already, the thick head was weeping with pre-cum, and she experimentally reached out and touched it.

Spike immediately bucked upwards, making Buffy jump with a tiny squeak, yanking her hand back as if burned. However, Spike was purring louder then before, and encouraged and emboldened by the power she had over him in his sleep state, quickly reached out and gave his hard cock a quick stroke.

He bucked again with a low moan that was part-growl, and Buffy felt her stomach tighten at the sound. /You're nuts...you realize that? /She asked herself as she continued to run her fingers along the velvety skin of his shaft, listening as his purrs deepened. Her nail flicked the head accidentally, and he immediately growled again, and Buffy smiled, running her fingers along the outer edge, listen as his purrs turned to throaty whimpers.

/You're nuts...nutsnutsnuts...and he's completely oblivious.../

She slid around the bed, pulling the sheets down further, staring at the man before her. He was lying spread-eagle now on the bed, pillow clutched to his chest, sadly keeping it from view, and there was a look of part-bliss and part-frustration on his face, his cock still jutting proudly from his body.

/Look at the mess you made now...wouldn't be nice to let the poor guy wake up like that, now would it? /A voice that sounded suspiciously like Faith's spoke up in her mind. /He's damn sexy, B...and damn...look at that dick...he'll have you screaming in minutes!/

Buffy nearly moaned as heat welled up between her legs. /Oh...fuck.../

She climbed up on the mattress and crept up between his legs, her eyes on his hard cock as the implications of what she was doing running through her mind. /It's not like he's even aware you're doing it...you just want to satisfy curiousity...right? It means nothing.../

/Curiosity killed the cat.../

/Yeah, well, the cat was a pussy.../

Buffy's hair brushed against Spike's thigh, tickling him, and he whimpered slightly in his sleep. /You got him all hot and bothered, B...wouldn't be ladylike of you to leave him hanging. Fuck the cat.../

Buffy slowly slid her mouth over the head of his penis, nearly gagging as he suddenly bucked upwards with a snarl of need, his cock hitting her in the back of the throat.

She forced herself to relax her throat muscles, gently but firmly forcing Spike's hips back down to the bed, bobbing her head up and down on him, trying to take as much of him as she could, her eyes still warily watching his face, ready to bolt at the first sign of wakefulness.

As she sucked at him, heat continued to build inside her, and she whimpered around him as she reached beneath her robe, glad she hadn't thrown anything on it underneath as she rubbed a finger against her clit, her free hand pumping his shaft whenever she moved upwards.

She licked and sucked hard at him, sometimes using her teeth against his senstive skin as he hissed and moaned, writhing beneath her, giving her a soaring sense of her power. She liked this...being completely in charge...her mortal enemy at her utter mercy...and him completely oblivious to the fact.

She felt him tense, and gave her clit a good twist, her teeth biting him roughly as she felt her orgasm jolt through her. Spike snarled and came, bucking upwards into her waiting mouth, and she milked him of every drop of his cold semen, not wanting to leave any evidence. She noted it tasted almost sugary, less salty then humans as she slowly released his softening cock. /Must have something to do with all that blood sugar.../

He sighed, satisfied as he curled up into himself, cradling the pillow as if it was his lover, leaving Buffy to stare at him, shocked at herself as she scrambled off the bed.

/Oh God! Are you fucking insane?! /The voice of reason finally decided to speak up, and she nearly snorted. /About fucking time...shit! Shitshitshit!/

She had just cheated on Riley! With Spike! Her enemy! Her husband!

/Yeah, your husband, B...and besides, didn't you hear Clinton? Sucking him off isn't cheating!/

Oh sure...now Faith was talking politics...she was definitely off in the noggin! She cinched her robe tighter around her, her eyes wide as she rushed out of Spike's room, closing the door softly behind her before bolting to the bathroom to wash all traces of what had happened off of her body.

She didn't see Spike's eyes open, a slow, satisfied grin crossing his lips as he pulled the sheets up around him, and taking a deep whiff of the scent of Buffy's arousal before allowing himself to fall asleep for real.

"It's our one month anniversary, luv!"

Buffy jumped, shooting a guilty look at Spike as she closed the door behind Riley's retreating form, but forced herself to remain composed. Spike was suspiciously chipper this morning. "Why are you in such a good mood? Shouldn't you still be in bed?"

Spike shrugged, "Woke up around eight this morning...just couldn't get back to sleep," He replied, "But I'll catch a nap later. Anyway, didja know it's our one month anniversary?"

"We have to have a real marriage to be an anniversary, Spike," Buffy replied, heading towards the coffee machine, frowning slightly, "Aren't you still mad about yesterday?"

"Nah...forgive and forget...that's my motto."

"I thought it was kill, maim and torture?"

"That too," Spike shrugged, "So...wanna do something tonight?"

Buffy stared at him as if insane, "Like...me and you...on a date?"

"Exactly," Spike said, "I even got you a present," He grinned, raising an eyebrow, "So what about it?"

"I think you're nuts," Buffy muttered, and Spike rolled his eyes, "Oh...come on. I already heard Dudley Do-Right say he was busy tonight...and I know the witches got a Wicca thing...and mum's left for that buying trip this morning...and we know what the whelp and demon girl are doing as we speak..."

Buffy sighed, "You know, they have names," She muttered, running the idea through her head, then shook it, "Fine...whatever. What should I wear for this...'date...' and I use the term very loosely."

"Not a thing..." At her shocked look, he hastily added, "I got it all taken care of already, pet. Don't worry your pretty little head about it."

"Why am I not reassured?" Buffy sighed, "Great...now what am I going to get you?"

"Don't worry about that either. I'm already happy with what I got."

Buffy's head shot up, and her eyes widened, "WHAT?!"

Spike gave her puzzled look, "You married me so I wouldn't get shipped out...remember?"

"Oh...right..." Buffy's face was flaming red as she turned away, and Spike smirked, "Be ready to get dressed by eight, pet!" He called as Buffy picked up her backpack, and headed out the door. She nodded with another sigh before locking the door behind her.

He grinned widely, "Yep..." He muttered beneath his breath, a bounce to his step as he headed into the bathroom, "Already got my prezzie."

Buffy eyed Spike mistrustfully as soon as she got home. He was being ultra-secretive, dancing around like a little boy with a rakish grin on his face. /Don't ya mean sexy grin, B?/

Buffy nearly groaned. All day, her evil personality, which was very firmly dubbed 'Faith,' had been speaking up, while her more sensible, 'Buffy' personality was telling her off firmly.

She was just glad that Spike had been asleep and didn't seem to remember any of it.

/Thank God...I can't deal with his crowing right now.../she shuddered, knowing the implications of what she had done if anyone found out. Her friends would wig, her mom would shout at her for being involved with another vampire...or maybe not. Her mom was kinda weird on all matters concerning Spike. Giles would probably faint dead from shock, then kill Spike himself...and Riley...

Good, old dependable Riley would leave her.../Boring! /Faith spoke up/, You forgot boring! Reliable-dog-geyser person, as Wills would say! And please! You got off on sucking his dick! What will it be like when he's.../

"AGH!"

Spike's head swiveled towards her as he held a mug of blood in his hand, arching an eyebrow, "All right...I guess we can skip the movie, if you object to it that much!"

Buffy stared at him in confusion before realizing he had been talking to her. /What in the hell did he say? Movie? /"No...movie sounds good...I like movies," She stammered, and Spike frowned slightly, "Are you all right, pet? You seem a little high-strung...it's not one of /those/ days, is it?"

"Huh?"

"You know..." Spike frowned, trying to word it delicately. Unfortunatly, delicacy wasn't his forte. "Are yer on the rag?"

"What?! NO!"

"Fine! Don't have to bite my head off! Jeez!"

"Sorry..." Buffy forced herself to calm down, "Sorry...bad day at school...tests and stuff...my mind's kinda fried."

/I just bet it is/...he thought, biting back a smirk at her expense. He had a pretty good idea why she was acting so skittish around him, and didn't really blame the chit. He idly wondered if she was ever going to tell him about last night, since he wasn't planning on telling her he was awake the entire time.

Funny...he hadn't thought the Slayer one to take advantage of a poor bloke such as himself. Course, she was welcome to take advantage of his sleeping state, or lack thereof any time she wanted too. He wasn't about to make any objections!

He moved back behind the counter as images of her hot little mouth surrounding his cock ran through his mind, hiding his erection, "Why don't you go 'head and take your shower and put on your make-up, pet? I'll take care of everything on my end."

"Shower...yeah...good..." Buffy headed for the bathroom, passing him and he smirked at her back when he caught the scent of her arousal. Apparently he wasn't the only one thinking about the night before.

Buffy was about ten seconds away from knocking her head against the shower wall and putting herself out of her misery as she washed up.

She should never have agreed to this...god knew what kind of nastiness Spike had planned. She sighed as she rinsed out her hair, then grabbed a towel from the rack before climbing out. She had learnt her lesson about walking /anywhere// /naked, since her 'husband' had a bad habit of not knocking.

If she didn't know better, she'd have thought he did it on purpose.

She looked in the mirror before locking the door and letting the towel drop. She glanced down at herself with a sigh. She was definitely too skinny. /Kate Moss...that's me.../she grimaced at her reflection, wondering how she had gotten so thin.

Then again, if she really thought about it, it was no surprise. Her freshman year had been hell twice over, and she really thanked God that she was now a sophomore, and that the Initiative was gone. But if she reached far enough back, she could pinpoint the time she had lost most of her appetite and had yet to really got it back.

Angel.

When Angel had left her, she had been devastated. She hadn't eaten for weeks, till her mom was threatening to shove food down her throat. She ate, but not too much. And it had stuck with her all through the year, and her exertions as a Slayer did nothing to help that either.

She shook her head, deciding she didn't really want to think about that tonight as she blow-dried her hair, making sure it fell in soft, curls around her shoulders before doing her make-up. She wrapped herself in her towel again and headed to her bedroom to pick something out to wear.

To her surprise, on her bed was a large box with a pink ribbon around it, and she arched an eyebrow. "Spike's present..." She muttered, eyeing it almost warily, as if making sure it wasn't ticking.

She berated herself for being such a spaz, and opened it up, her eyes widening. Nestled inside tissue paper was the most beautiful blue silk dress she had ever seen.

She lifted it out, smoothing out the fabric, watching as it seemed to shimmer with four different shades of blue. She quickly pulled on her underwear, then slid the dress over her head, sighing happily as the fabric caressed her skin.

She turned to look in her full-length mirror, a small smile on her face. It reached down to her knees, and on either side there were long slits that showed off her toned thighs, and the back was completely open, dipping down to just before her butt. It was held on by spaghetti straps, and the neckline scooped down low to show off a hint of cleavage.

She turned to look at herself, completely surprised that it fit her perfectly, molding to her curves and dips. In the mirror, she saw a box lying at the foot of her bed, and bent, picking it up, her smile widening when she saw a pair of strappy sandals with tall heels that matched her dress perfectly, and slipped them on, tightening the straps around her slim ankles.

She looked at herself again, then beamed brightly as she opened her bedroom door, nearly running into Spike. He gaped at her, his mouth hanging open slightly, "Uh...you...look...nice..." He said lamely, and Buffy arched an eyebrow at him, "Just nice?"

/Completely stunning...gorgeous...beautiful...so Goddamn edible.../"Yeah...nice," Spike thrust another box at her, "I found it...I thought I lost the bloody thing..."

Buffy pursed her lips, slightly disappointed by his response, but not his reaction as she opened it up, pulling out another piece of blue silk that matched her dress and was meant to be used a shawl. "Thanks, Spike," She said sincerely, "It's beautiful..."

She smiled as she looked him up and down before raising an eyebrow at him. He was dressed in a black suit with a red silk vest and matching tie, and he looked absolutely gorgeous in it. It was obviously tailored, since it fit him so well, and very expensive from the looks of it. "You look nice too," She said, "I like it when you wear suits...you look nice."

"You said that already, luv," He smiled at her, offering his arm like a true gentleman, "Shall we then?"

"Oh...we're not taking your tank, are we?" Buffy pouted, "That thing smells like something died in it."

"No, it doesn't, and no, we aren't," Spike replied, "And I thank you not to make fun of my car. It's a classic!"

"Spike, it's a piece of crap that you should have put down a long time ago," She said with a grin that belied her words, "But it's really good for running over demons."

Spike froze, his eyes widening, "What? What do you mean by that?!"

Buffy giggled, "You shouldn't leave your car keys lying around...just anybody can take them!" She teased as she slipped her arm out of his grasp and raced out the door.

"You better be joking!" Spike threatened, "If you hurt my baby...!"

Buffy's laugh as all his answer as she darted out the front door, and he grumbled beneath his breath as he locked the door behind him, "Bleedin' women!"

Buffy was pleasantly surprised to find a limo waiting for them as Spike joined her, and he held open the door for her with a grin. "Posh," She said, haven't been in one since homecoming...and then it was only for a little. She just really hoped there weren't woods and spatulas involved now.

Spike grinned as he climbed in beside her, "Gotta treat me wife right," He said, and she rolled her eyes, settling down into the comfortable seats. "This is a little involved for a movie, isn't it?"

Spike's eyes twinkled mischievously as he gestured at a small TV embedded in the wall separating them from the driver, "That's our movie, pet."

"You rented a limo to watch TV?" She raised an eyebrow, "And what's wrong with your big screen?"

Spike sighed, "Are you gonna keep questioning me, or are you going to bleeding relax for once? This is a completely Slay-free night with no reminders of your sacred duty..." Buffy opened her mouth, but Spike covered it with his cool hand, shuddering at the feel of her lips against them, "And yes, I'm well aware I'm a vampire, so there's a reminder right there...but that's it! It's gonna all be 'bout you...havin' a good time...all right?"

Buffy nodded, and Spike removed his hand with a grin, "All right..." He shifted in the seat and turned towards the stocked mini-fridge, removing the bottle of champagne he had special ordered and poured her a bit in a tall flute before slipping off the seat to turn on the TV.

Buffy smiled as he swore, fiddling with the channels and VCR settings before finally getting a picture, and her smile widened as one of her favorite movies came on. "I love the Princess Bride!"

Spike chuckled, "I know," He said, pouring himself a glass of champagne as he sat beside her. "I would have made it your favorite, but even I have my limits. I can handle this movie, since there's sword fights and a Brit in it...but Bambi? You'd be washing vampire puke out of your skivvies!"

Buffy giggled, then grimaced, "Ew!"

Spike chuckled as Buffy sighed, sinking into her seat, "Where are we going?"

"Not telling, it's a surprise," He said, winking at her as he sat his flute aside and slipped to the floor in front of her.

She looked down at him as he undid the straps on her shoes, "What are you doing?"

"Shush and watch the movie," He commanded, and Buffy jumped in surprise when he started to massage her foot, "Spike!"

"Just relax, Slayer...it's not like I'm goin' to bite your little toes off," He assured her, "You're supposed to be relaxing!"

She sighed, pleasantly resigned as she settled back, enjoying the feel of Spike's strong hands on her feet. Riley never rubbed her feet...and neither had Angel...this was something she really hadn't expected from the vampire.

As she tried to keep her mind on the movie and not on the wonderful things Spike was doing to her ankle, she decided that for the rest of the night, he'd keep on surprising her.

Spike watched with a satisfied smile as she moaned softly, her eyes closing as she let out a blissful sigh, "Hmm...you're just upgraded to my massage vamp," She muttered, and Spike chuckled, moving onto her other foot. "Hmm...is that better then my last position?"

"Definitely," Buffy replied, squirming a little in her seat as Spike's fingers caressed her ankle, and Spike chuckled again. He really doubted that anything could beat his 'last' position...although, he was hoping she'd try.

He listened as her breathing deepened, and he smiled as he replaced her shoes and climbed back into the seat, and she glanced at him sleepily, "Going to nap now," She said softly, and Spike nodded as she leaned against him, and he draped his arm over her shoulder as she nestled against his side, her feet coming up to rest tucked up by her butt, "You do that, pet. I'll wake you when we get there," He said, but she was already asleep, and Spike smiled before kissing the top of her head.

He tried to concentrate on the movie, but his entire being was focused on the tiny mortal curled against his side, and his grip around her tightened a bit possessively as he sipped his champagne, smiling contentedly.

Buffy yawned as she was shaken gently awake by Spike, seeing a slightly anxious look in his eyes before he could hide it with a grin, "We're here, Slayer," He announced, slipping out of the door of the limo and holding out a hand.

"Where's here?" Buffy asked, taking it and allowing him to help her out, stretching her body with a slight groan, "Ugh...maybe I'll let you do my back later," She mumbled, and Spike's grin widened, "It's a date," He said as she looked over his shoulder, eyes widening slightly, "What is that?"

"Our entertainment for the evening," Spike said, threading his arm through hers and leading her up the gangplank of the party boat, handing the steward at the top his tickets.

Buffy looked around with a smile, taking it all in. There was a live band and people dancing already on the decks, though the boat had yet to leave dock, and the railings were festooned with ribbons and little fairy lights that twinkled merrily.

The deck was dotted with several intimate, candlelit tables meant for a couple at a time, and Spike right away lead her to one away the activity near the front of the ship, to a more private area near the aft. "There's less wind here," He explained, "Won't muss our pretty hairdos."

Buffy giggled as she sat down and immediately a waiter in a tux came towards them, and Spike ordered some champagne, handing Buffy a menu as the waiter hurried off to another couple.

"Get anything you like, luv," He told her as he opened the menu, not even flinching at the high prices, and Buffy raised an eyebrow, "You're eating too?"

"I do like human food, Slayer," He told her, looking at her over his menu, "It just doesn't fill me up, is all."

"Oh...okay," She bit her lip as she looked at her menu, unable to decide as Spike set his aside, "Maybe I'll just get a salad..."

"And maybe you'll blow away when the ship starts moving," Spike teased lightly, and Buffy rolled her eyes at him, "What are you getting?"

"Steak," He said with a rakish grin, and Buffy smiled, "I guess I'll get that too then," She said, and Spike nodded as the waiter returned with their champagne and set it in a stand and bucket of ice next to their table, and Spike gave him their orders as the ship started to pull out.

"They have gambling down below too," Spike told her, "As soon as we hit the twelve-mile marker, they'll open up their casino...if you feel like doing that later."

"Twelve-mile marker?" Buffy frowned slightly, and Spike chuckled, "International waters, pet. You can pretty much do whatever you like...short of dumping bodies overboard...and the coast guard can't touch you."

"Oh...cool..." Buffy smiled, "Are you trying to lose all your money, Spike?"

He laughed, shaking his head as he poured the champagne, his eyes twinkling, "Slayer, you'd have to lose a /hell/ of a lot to bankrupt me."

"Really?" Buffy leaned forward interestedly, inardventatly giving Spike a clear view down her dress, and the vampire stifled a groan, "How much do you have anyway?"

"Not polite to talk money at the table, pet," Spike chastised her, and Buffy rolled her eyes, "Please...like you're polite."

"Tonight I am," He protested, "And I've been the perfect gentleman up to this point..."

Buffy grinned as she leaned back, "If you're the perfect gentleman, how come your eyes were taking a detour down my dress?"

Spike would've blushed if he could've as he made a big show of buttering a roll, "So...um...how are things?" He said, lamely changing the topic, and Buffy rolled her eyes again, allowing him to get away with it...for now.

"School sucks...but that's nothing new," She said, sipping her champagne as she looked out towards the LA coastline, where the tall buildings were reflected in the water, smiling slightly, "It's beautiful..."

"Yeah...it is..." She glanced at him, flushing when she saw he was staring at her instead of the shoreline, then looked away again, "Heard from Drusilla lately?"

Spike flinched visibly at the mention of his ex, then sighed, "No...last I heard, she was on a boat back to Europe...probably booting around France right now...she always liked Paris..."

Buffy raised an eyebrow, "Is that the reason you didn't wanna go home? Cause she'd be near?"

Spike chuckled wryly, "Guess you caught me...but she's only part of the reason. Demons here already pretty much now about me an' you, I mean...me helping you on occasion, so my rep's already ruined. But back in London, I'd still be a legend...expected to take over the Mastership again...expected to make good on my reputation of over a century of slaughter..."

"But you can't, because of the chip..."

Spike nodded, "Yeah, 'cause of the chip. Once they found out I'm baggin' it, I'm a dead man. The chip means weakness, Slayer...and vamps...they're like wolves. They'll kill the weak ones, to keep the...gene pool, I guess you can call it, clean. No point in keeping me alive, since I have no real use anymore, and eventually, they'll hear about me helping the Slayer, and I'm dead anyway. You have to face some tough vamps here, luv...but most of the older, stronger ones still live in Europe, clinging to the old ways. I'm a dead man...again...once I set foot back in Europe."

Buffy's eyes were slightly wide, "Wow...I never thought it was that bad!"

"Yeah, well...it is," He shook his head, "At least there's still the European snobbish attitude towards you Yanks, or you would have a larger vamp problem."

Buffy sat up straight as the waiter returned, putting their steaks down in front of them, and she thanked him before turning back to Spike, "Sorry," She said sincerely, "About you getting that chip. I know it's not really fair to do that...I do understand what it means...to have your...existance taken away from you."

"Existence?" Spike looked puzzled, "I just can't kill, pet. Killing was never my existence."

"But...you were..."

"Mad, yes...but I never existed on killing. I never regretted what I did, but it wasn't me...just me. I did it for survival, to impress Angelus, and later, to keep Dru's attention...but I'm not a complete sociopath. I still have some human friends...outside of Sunnydale."

"No way!" Buffy stared at him in surprise, "You do?"

Spike chuckled, "Yeah, I do. Several in fact. I respect humans, luv. They may be food, but there are some that damn impress me. Humans have done quite a bit with the world, and I rather like what they made of it. You forget I watched history, personally...not just on the Discovery Channel. I'm still bleedin' surprised by how much the world has changed since I was a boy. If someone had told me over a hundred and fifty years ago about a car or a computer like they have nowadays, I would have laughed my arse off...and then snapped their neck for lying to me. No doubt about it...humans are an admirable species..."

Buffy listened to the sound of his voice as she ate, finding his changing tones and such almost soothing and seemed to dance in her ears, leaving her feeling a little trancelike. She decided she liked his voice, especially when he was talking to her like a human being, instead of just the Slayer, his mortal enemy...like his friend.

And she was learning more about him then she ever thought she would've...and found him to be almost...human.

He watched as she quickly cleaned her plate, smiling in approval, glad to see she had some appetite. He had been watching her for the last four weeks they had been living together, and didn't like how little she ate most of the time.

"Dessert, pet?"

"Ugh...maybe later. I'm stuffed," She said, delicately dabbing her lips with her napkin, and Spike found himself a bit jealous of that linen scrap, but pushed it aside as he stood, "Care for a dance, luv?" He asked softly, and she looked up at him, catching a hint of shyness in his deep blue eyes, and smiled, "Sure, why not?"

She took his offered hand as he pulled her to her feet, and followed him towards where other couples were dancing. She frowned slightly, not accustomed to the style of music the band was playing. She was more used to bass and drums then violins and cellos...this was definitely a posh gig.

Spike seemed to sense her discomfiture, and smiled reassuringly as he took lead dance position, "Just follow me, luv," He muttered to her in a low voice, "And try to relax," he added, noting the slight stiffness of her stance as he rested his hand on her hip.

She smiled sheepishly as he led her into a simple waltz step, and gradually relaxed as his arm slid around her waist, her small hand held in his larger, cool one, pulling her a bit closer to him.

Buffy blushed slightly, resting her head against his chest so he wouldn't see, but decided that was a bad idea since it caused some rather recent memories to surface, remembering the way his cool skin had felt beneath her fingers.

She lifted her head, looking off in the distance towards the LA skyline, not seeming to notice when Spike pulled her a tiny bit closer to her. "Whatcha thinking, pet?" He asked softly, and she looked up at him with a sigh.

"I haven't had a night like this in a long time," She admitted, "I mean...free from the stresses of slaying...and all that...I almost don't want it too end."

"Even if you're with your mortal enemy?" He asked, raising an eyebrow, "Instead of Cardboard...or Peaches?"

Buffy looked away again without answering him, missing the slight flinch Spike gave out at her refusal to answer, and looked up in surprise when he let go of her.

"Song's over," He explained gruffly, then smiled for her benefit, "Shall we hit the craps table, Slayer?" He asked, then tensed when a woman suddenly screamed. "Oh...bloody hell!"

The two blonds turned, watching as a green, tentacled...thing...climbed over the railing and grabbed a woman around the middle with a tentacle, and used it to drag her towards it's wide, gaping maw.

Buffy made a move towards it, but Spike shoved her back towards the table, "Na-uh! No Slayer stuff!" He reminded her before rushing over towards the beast and grabbed the slimy tentacle and forced it out from around the woman's middle and punched the creature in what he perceived as it's face.

Buffy shook her head as she reached up her dress and removed the stake she had hidden on her thigh. /Can't even have one night without this!/

Spike gave her an exasperated look as she pounced on the beast as it fell over into the boat, and while he was momentarily distracted, it flung a tentacle at him, catching him right in the chest.

His eyes widened as he pitched overboard into the water and Buffy moved forward, stabbing her stake into it's body and it screamed as it fell back over the side.

She looked down, scanning the water for Spike's familiar white blond head, frowning when she didn't see it.

"Spike!?" She paled in realization as she removed her shoes, then dived into the water after him, ignoring the protests of the other passengers.

She jerked in surprise when the cold water struck her, and she looked around for Spike once more before diving beneath the water, her heart pounding in her chest.

Angel stood stock still on the deck of the ship, his eyes wide. After a vision had warned Doyle of a demon attack on a party ship, he had been stuck with going on the damn thing and waiting for it too show up.

As he had been doing his sweep, he felt the familiar presence of one of his Childer...and was completely shocked to see Spike...dancing with Buffy!

He had arrived just as they broke off...and then the demon attacked, and everything had moved so fast.

First, he had watched his boy get smacked over the side, and then Buffy diving in after him. He was currently racing towards the railing, kicking off his shoes as he ran and shedding his dress jacket before leaping after his love.

He landed with a hard splash, but the chill of the Pacific did little to his body as he saw Buffy dive down into the water, but when he looked around, he didn't see Spike.

He swore, then dived himself.

Spike was thrashing wildly beneath the waves, trying to resist the urge to breath. He didn't need too, but with the cold water pressing down on him from all sides, and being in a panicked state, the urge to do so was quite strong.

He was sinking steadily towards the bottom, his 'dead' weight doing nothing to help him. Vampires weren't meant to float...they sank...and very rapidly from the feel of the water pressing against him.

By his estimate, if he tried not to breath, he could live for about another six-seven minutes. But then he would be too deep...and the pressure against his body too great, and it would crush him like a tin-can. Things were not looking good.

He tried to kick upwards, but the surface was soo far away, and his wild thrashing from before had already tired him, and his eyes were burning from the salt of the ocean...plus, his shoes and sodden clothes were weighing him down further.

He felt his ears pop as he sank, and screamed Buffy's name in the water. Big mistake. Immediately, the sea rushed into his mouth, and he accidentally inhaled. Now his dead lungs were burning...and flooding. Not a pleasant sensation. He watched as the surface drifted further away from him. He was going to die...again...

Buffy surfaced again a few feet from Angel, gasping for breath as she scanned the water, her eyes wide and wild looking, "SPIKE!" She yelled, then screamed when Angel grabbed her shoulders, "Buffy! Come on," He gestured at the boat that was getting further away, but was now starting to slowly turn around to get them, "The water's cold..."

"Spike's down there!" She snapped at him, and Angel glared at her, "He can take care of himself!"

"HE CAN'T SWIM, MORON!" She shoved him away, diving again, and he watched as her form disappeared beneath the black surfaces of the water.

"Oh...shit!"

Buffy's eyes looked around the blackness of the water as she tried to find him, but she couldn't see a thing.

Suddenly, a wave of air bubbles came past her face, and she looked down, eyes squinting. Barely...just barely, she could see almost a glimpse of white...

She came up for breath quickly, ignoring Angel's shout before diving again, legs kicking as she fought her way down towards him.

Soon, he came into focus, and his eyes found hers as she grabbed a flailing arm and began to drag him back upwards.

Her lungs were burning for air, but the surface was still so painfully far away, and she looked down to see Spike wildly kicking his legs, slowing them down, and she sank herself down so that she could look him in the face, making him wrap his arms around her.

She started to kick again, and Spike looked down, following her example, and with their combined efforts, managed to break surface.

Buffy gasped in air like it was food, and Spike started to cough, then vomited up nearly a gallon of sea water. His arms had tightened around her, and she heard a strange sound, and looked at him. He was sobbing!

He clutched to her, burying his face in the crook of his neck as he cried, nearly hysterical. She tried to hold onto him while treading water, touching his face and neck, trying to reassure him, "Shh...Spike, it's okay...we're okay now...all right? The boat's coming back for us..." She murmured in a soft voice, and his sobs tapered off, but he still whimpered as he held on to her tightly, still kicking, to his credit.

She felt his ridges rubbing against her throat, and realized that in his fear, he had vamped out, but he wasn't sinking his fangs into her, or anything. She stroked his damp hair, then nearly groaned as Angel swam towards them, look of combined anger and confusion on his face.

Spike was apparently oblivious to his Sire's presence as he continued to cling to Buffy, and Angel stared at them, hard. "What the hell is going on?"

"He's scared," Buffy hissed at him angrily, "And what were you doing? Following us?!"

"No. Doyle had a vision about that demon..."

"Fuck!" Buffy looked around, "Where is it? Is it still down there?"

Spike's arms tightened around her at her words with another whimper, his face still buried in her throat, and she wrapped her arms around him, "S'kay, Spike..."

Angel looked at his distressed Childe, and saw that Buffy was getting tired from having to tread water and hold Spike at the same time, and he sighed before wrapping his arms around Spike's middle and gently nudging Buffy away. Spike immediately wrapped his legs around his Sire's waist, and Angel cooed softly in his ear, trying to calm him enough so that his demon would retreat...before the boat got back to them. He was sure the people on it were frightened enough already.

Eventually, his cries tapered off, and Angel heard the soft sound of bones shifting as his face returned to normal.

As Spike regained a semblance of control, he realized the person he was clinging to was a bit broad in the neck and way too wide in the waist.

He slowly lifted his head, eyes widening, "BLOODY 'ELL!"

He jerked instinctively away from Angel, only to fall back into the water.

Buffy grabbed him before he can sink again, "That does it...when we get home...swimming lessons!"

Spike gaped at his Sire, "What the soddin' hell is he doing here?!"

"Remember the little Irish guy?" Buffy asked, "He had a vision about the demon, and was on the boat."

"Oh...fuck me..." Spike's eyes widened some more, "Ya got the tape..."

"What tape?" Angel looked at him curiously, and Spike breathed a sigh of relief as the boat came up alongside them, stopping any further questions.

With Angel's help, Buffy hefted Spike up to grab the rung of the ladder, and he reached down, pulling her up beside him and they clambered up, leaving Angel to help himself, and the dark-haired vampire grumbled in annoyance, kicking upwards and just managing to snag it.

As he climbed over the rail, a blanket was thrust at him, and he wrapped it around his shoulders, glancing at Buffy, whose lips were chattering as the cold air struck her skin, her silk dress completely ruined.

Spike wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him till she warmed up a bit, and she smiled at him gratefully. It was then Angel noticed the twin gold bands glittering on their fingers, and he saw red.

Spike's head whipped around when he heard Angel snarl, immediately regretting it when a meaty fist slammed into his face.

"ANGEL!" Buffy shoved him backwards. She was wet, tired, sore and was in no mood for his jealous rage. "Get a freakin' grip!"

Spike stood up again, wiping at his bloody nose, glaring at his sire, "Pillock," He spat out as Angel's eyes narrowed.

"What the hell is going on, Buffy?!" He roared at her, "I left so you could have a fucking normal life! And you...you marry him?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Buffy's eyes narrowed, "One, Angel, you don't dictate who I marry or don't marry! You don't own me! Two, it's not like we're really married...Spike just didn't want to be deported! And three...you're an incredible asshole!"

Spike chuckled at the last, while he was a bit hurt by the second as Angel calmed down, "Um...vampires can be deported?"

Buffy rolled her eyes, wrapping the blanket more firmly around her, "I hate my life..."

Spike was oddly silent during the ride home, still wrapped in the blanket, trousers dripping water onto the rug of the limo, creating a puddle the driver was sure not too appreciate.

Buffy shifted uncomfortably on the seat, her ruined dress still a bit damp, and her underwear was wet. She /really/ hated when that happened. Finally unable to take the silence, she glanced at Spike, "Are you all right?"

Spike snorted, "Am I all right?! What kind of bloody question is that?!"

"Soooorrrryyyy!" She said sarcastically, "Excuse me for caring!"

Spike's face softened somewhat, and he sighed, leaning back against the seat, "Sorry. I'm not mad at you, luv...I'm mad at myself..."

"What for?"

"For one, I nearly got us both killed...you coulda drowned or been hurt by that demon...and second...christ! I cried like a little boy and clung to my Sire like a bleedin' little wuss!"

Buffy smiled slightly as she moved closer to him on the seat, touching his shoulder, "It wasn't your fault the demon attacked, Spike, and I wasn't about to leave you...and you were frightened, that's all. I would be too...if I couldn't swim..."

Spike looked unconvinced, and she sighed again, "I hate the water, ya know? Ever since the Master..." She shuddered at the memory, and Spike glanced at her curiously, "Come again?"

"The Master..." She touched her throat reflexively, the memory of his bite still fresh in her mind, "He bit me...and I passed out in a pool of water...I died for a few minutes...drowned...it was horrible...I could still remember the feel of the water in my lungs...the burning of it as I inhaled it..." She shuddered again, and Spike instinctively wrapped his arm around her and drew her up against him, brushing a strand of still damp hair away from her face, "S'kay, pet...I understand..."

She rested her head against his shoulder, tired beyond belief from their ordeal, and he listened as her breathing tapered off into soft exhales. "Thanks for not leaving me, pet..." He muttered softly.

"Couldn't," She replied sleepily, not really paying attention to what she said, "Love you..."

Spike's eyes shot wide open as she drifted off to sleep, once more in his arms.

Spike fumbled with his keys, trying to insert one into the lock of their apartment as he held Buffy in his arms. Once they had gotten home, he hadn't the heart to wake her up, her declaration still pounding in his head. The Slayer...loved him!

He finally managed to get the door open, stumbling exhausted into the apartment, barely able to close and lock the door behind him before taking Buffy to her bedroom. He sat her on her bed, but her arms tightened around his neck, and wouldn't let go of him.

He sighed, too tired to fight her Slayer strength at the moment as dawn approached, and climbed in beside her, pulling the blankets around their still clothed bodies, and she snuggled against his front as he made sure she was snugly tucked in.

He ignored the arousal throbbing through him as she pressed herself against his body, and finally allowed himself to sleep.

Willow raised an eyebrow as Spike and Buffy walked into the Bronze together as Riley and Xander played football with a napkin folded into a triangle and she had almost lost an eye when Xander had accidentally punted it towards her.

"Hey Wills," Buffy greeted cheerfully, plopping onto a stool at the table, and everyone glanced at Spike as he did the same. He raised an eyebrow till Xander shook his head, glancing at Buffy, "How's the Slaying?"

"Slow," Buffy sighed in disappointment, "And I can't even stake the one I do see all the time."

Spike stuck his tongue out at her, "Ya know, killing me would kinda defeat the whole purpose of trying to keep me in the country and all..."

Willow giggled, "Giles told us what happened...getting in a fist fight right in front of the case worker? Shame."

"He hit you?!" Riley's eyes narrowed, and Buffy shook her head, "Naw. I hit him...he whined like a baby."

"I whined like a baby?!"

"You were pulling my hair! You fight like Harmony!"

"Bite your tongue!"

Buffy did and Spike chuckled as he got up to go to the bar, and Buffy turned towards her friends and boyfriend, seeing them giving her odd looks, "What?"

"You're getting along better," Xander observed, "You actually didn't resort to death threats and beating each other senseless."

"Not much point since he can't hit back," Buffy said with a shrug, "Plus, he's being less of a prick lately."

"I heard that," Spike growled as he took his seat again, plopping a coke in front of her as he sipped his beer, "Where's demon girl and the witch?"

"Anya and I had a fight...she's waiting for me to come back and have make-up...she says it's better if I wait an hour so she can limber up," Xander replied, earning a laugh from Spike.

"Tara's at a Wiccan weekend retreat," Willow pouted, "My mom is on a bonding trip and I have to hang out with her for the next two days."

"Rough," Buffy commiserated while Spike shot Willow a puzzled look, and the redhead shook her head, "My mom is ultra-conserative..."

"Ah..." Spike raised an eyebrow, "Save to say then she doesn't know 'bout you and Tara?"

"Oh Goddess..." Willow smiled, "She almost burned me at the stake when she found out I was a witch...AND dating a bass player."

Spike chuckled, and Xander grinned at Willow, "He thinks you're kidding."

"You're not?!"

"Nope. MOO and all our parents almost flambed me, Buffy and Amy cause Hansel and Gretel told them too."

Spike's eyes widened slightly as Xander nodded his head in confirmation, while Buffy snorted, "Yeah, mom's still hearing about the books she torched from Giles...and then she brings up the band candy and it really shuts him up fast..."

"Band candy?"

"Yeah...and oh God...I'm still having nightmares about my mom and Giles doing it on a police car..."

Spike choked on his beer, spitting it across the table as he gaped at Buffy, "WHAT?!"

Xander heard a low growl, and glanced to his side, seeing Riley glaring daggers at Spike, swiping at the beer on his face. "Oops..."

Buffy glanced at her boyfriend, and giggled, then flared red when he shot her a look, "Sorry...I was laughing at his reaction...really..."

"I'm leaving," Riley said shortly, grabbing Buffy's arm, "Let's go."

"Ut-oh..." Xander muttered beneath his breath as Buffy glared at her boyfriend, "What's with the caveman routine? I just got here, Riley...and come on, it was an accident..."

Riley let go of her with a snort, "You know, you might try pretending you're my girlfriend, Buffy, and actually spend some time with me, instead...of him!" He pointed at Spike, who only raised an eyebrow, taking another sip of his beer.

"Riley, I do spend time with you!" Buffy protested, but inwardly cringed. She hadn't really been for the past few weeks, but it wasn't because of Spike...really, it wasn't..."And besides, I'd like to hang out with my friends too!"

"There's gonna be a fight," Xander said, standing up and heading for the bar, and away from any impending blood splatter. Spike decided to follow his example because of the murderous looks the boy was giving him, and grinned at Willow, "Dance, luv? Promise I won't bite."

Willow grabbed his arm and practically hauled him bodily out on the dance floor, watching as the couple faced off, yelling at each other, "I hate it when they do it in public."

"They do it often?" Spike asked curiously as he rested a hand on Willow's waist, and clasping her hand in his large one.

"Lately, yeah. Every time they get together, they fight. Mostly about you."

"Me?" Spike looked surprised, "Why me?"

"Probably cause Riley's all jealous since you got to marry her and she had told him no..." Willow suddenly blushed, and Spike looked down at her sharply, "What was that?"

"Um...maybe I shouldn't..." Spike's grip on her tightened slightly,and she looked up into his deep blue eyes, then sighed, "Promise you won't tell Buffy I told? Not even Xander or Anya know...not even Giles..."

"Cross my heart, hope to die," Spike promised, then frowned, "Um...make that cross my heart."

Willow giggled, then rolled her eyes, "After the whole Adam thing, he asked her to marry him, but she said no 'cause she was the Slayer and all that. He doesn't bring it up anymore...even when they're fighting...at least that's what Buffy told me..."

"Cor..." Spike shook his head, his eyes on the tiny blond still fighting with her boyfriend, "I still don't understand why she said no...if she loves him..."

"Think about it, Spike...Slayer life-span...she's right, there's no white picket fences or a dog in the yard in her future...no matter how normal she wants to be..."

Spike watched as Riley turned and stalked out, and Buffy slumped into her seat, resting her head on her arms as Xander returned. The song ended, and Spike and Willow returned to the table.

"You all right, Slayer?" Spike asked, genuinely concerned, and Buffy swiped at her eyes, "I need to get out of here..." She muttered, and Spike offered her a small grin, "Wanna go kill stuff?"

Buffy looked up, and seeing he was being earnest, smiled slowly, "Yeah. I really do."

Xander and Willow exchanged a look as the two blonds departed together, and Xander shook his head, "I don't think I like where this is going," He muttered beneath his breath as Willow beamed after them. "I don't know...I think it's nice..."

"Why...won't...you...just...die...!?" Buffy grunted out as she pounded on some scaly demon thing while Spike reclined against a mausoleum, letting her work of her anger.

She appreciated that, since she often had to work out her aggression on the job. Riley didn't seem to get that and it annoyed the hell out of her when he interfered and tried to 'help' her.

She took out yet another stake and slammed it into the demon's back as Spike called out, "If you're trying to kill it now, luv, you have to hit the little thingy in the middle of his chest..."

Buffy spun the demon upright, seeing a discolored patch of skin and drove her stake into it.

"Now you might want to duck."

Buffy glanced at Spike, "Why?" She asked but the vampire was already ducking behind the mausoleum, and she glanced down as the demon started to inflate.

"Oops!" She ran towards Spike, yelping when a large pop sounded from behind her, and she screeched when she was suddenly drenched in bluish, thick goo, and she heard Spike swearing from behind the mausoleum, the stone building apparently having offered little protection as he stepped out, covered in the same thick substance.

"BLOODY 'ELL! MY JACKET!" The vampire wailed in dismay, and Buffy giggled, staring at him. Thick, blue slime was running down his face and his hair, and it coated his duster and clothes, making him look like some sort of B-horror movie victim.

Spike glared at her, "You think this is funny?! I had this thing for fifty years!"

"Does that go for the rest of the outfit too?" Buffy teased, wringing out her hair with a grimace.

"Dibs on the shower!" Spike suddenly sprinted past her, and Buffy shrieked, racing after him.

They reached the door of their apartment at the same time, but Spike got his key in before her, and rushed towards the bathroom. He was just starting to close the door when Buffy slammed into it, and he yelped when it gave with a squeal of hinges, snapping off and landing on top of him...and Buffy on top of the door.

Buffy grinned sheepishly down at the vampire, who was glaring at her from beneath her, "Oops...guess that means I win."

"No, it means you get to go to the hardware store in the morning and fix the damn thing!" Spike said as Buffy helped him on, and she glared at him as he hopped on the counter, dripping slime on it, "Shoo! I shower first!"

"Nope," He grinned, "I'm not leaving till I'm clean, so go ahead...don't mind me."

Buffy continued to glare at him, crossing her arms over her chest, "I'm not leaving either. So there!"

"Fine...then I guess we just both sit here," He said, and Buffy nodded, "Till one of us breaks."

Four hours later, they had switched positions. Buffy was sitting on the sink, idly playing with a stake, trying to ignore the slime that was drying into petrified ickiness on her skin.

Spike sat on the toilet, boots propped up on the counter. Slime covered the entire place, having dripped off the two stubborn blonds.

"Ya know," Spike said as he lit a cigarette, ignoring the look Buffy gave him, "If you had just let me go first, we both woulda been clean by now."

"And vice-versa, Fang Breath," Buffy said, tossing her hair, which was hard, considering the strands were caked together. They fell into silence once more and Buffy rolled her eyes, "I'm booorreeed!"

"Then go watch some telly," Spike grinned, "Don't worry, I'll leave some hot water for you."

"You never do!" Buffy pouted, "You can't even feel the difference, really, but you always use it up!"

"Only cause it bothers you so much," Spike replied, and Buffy shook her head. "Let's play a game..."

"Like what? Bathroom bingo?" Spike asked sarcastically, "Oh...toilet, toothbrush...annoying bint who won't go away...bingo!"

"I'm going to look that word up later," Buffy muttered beneath her breath, "Let's play truth or dare."

"Fine...you first. I dare you to leave."

"Ha ha...not a chance."

Spike rolled his eyes, "But I don't wanna play truth or dare! Little girls at prissy teenybopper parties play that!"

"Stop being such a whining baby," Buffy replied, scowling, "Now...truth or dare?"

Spike glanced around the bathroom. He definitely didn't even want to think about what kind of disgusting dare the Slayer could come up with in this setting. With his luck, she'd tell him to drink water out of the toilet...like a lapdog.../which I am...fuck...the Slayer's lap dog.../

"Truth."

Buffy looked disappointed. She really wanted to see Spike drinking out of the toilet. That would have been something to tell the gang, and she knew he would have never have lived it down.

"Um...damn. Let's see..." She screwed up her face in concentration, and Spike raised an eyebrow, waiting for her question. "Why did ya freak out so much in the water?"

Spike tensed slightly, then scowled, "I almost drowned...why wouldn't I freak?"

"Spike..."

He rolled his eyes, "Fine...when I was still little, in the bleedin' orphanage...the older boys used to pick on me...their favorite games was to shove my face in the dirty washwater...and I couldn't breath...and it scared the hell out of me. They'd hold me down till I was half-dead before letting me back up...sometimes, I would wonder if one day, maybe...they wouldn't let me up..."

Buffy was surprised by the almost haunted, frightened look on his face simply from the memories and impulsively hopped down the counter to kneel by him, touching his arm to get his attention. "I drowned once...that's how another Slayer was called...cause I died for a few minutes before Xander could do the whole 'ER' thing and revive me," She confided in him. "I hate the water too, now."

He looked surprised, "Didn't look like it..."

She blushed slightly as she stood, going back to the counter, "I was worried about you," She muttered beneath her breath, then grinned, "Couldn't let my hubby die, now could I?"

"You're afraid of water...and you still jumped in after me?" Spike looked almost awed, "Thanks, pet...that means quite a bit...to me."

She shrugged, "All part of the Slaying duty."

"What? To save vampires?"

"Truth," She said, not answering him, and Spike leaned on his knees as he gazed at her levelly, "Does Riley make you happy?"

"What?!" Buffy gaped at him, "What kind of stupid question is that?"

"Does Riley make you happy?" Spike repeated firmly, and Buffy looked away, "Of course he does!"

"Babs...you know I can tell when you're lying."

"HE DOES!" Buffy snapped, looking at him again, "My turn..."

"If he makes you so happy, why do you have to..." He tilted his head towards the shower, "Ya know...?"

"That is none of your business!"

"I think it is when you sneak into my bedroom at night," Spike said, and watched as Buffy's face reddened, her eyes widening, "I...I..." She suddenly bristled, standing up and throwing a punch at him.

He grabbed her fist before it could connect, and she tried to rip her hand away, but his grip was like steel, "Answer me, Slayer...if you love him so much...why aren't you happy? Or fulfilled with him? Why don't you laugh around him the way you laugh around me? And why wouldn't you marry him?"

Buffy's mouth dropped open in shock, "Who told you that?!"

Spike didn't move his eyes from her, his intent gaze boring into her very being, and she felt herself answering him, idly wondered if he had picked a little something up from Dru when they were together for all those years.

"He's normal, Spike...and sweet...and kind..."

"But he isn't making you happy..."

"I..." She sighed deeply, dropping her eyes, "I don't know...he's wonderful...the perfect man..."

"But not for you."

Her head shot up and she glared at him as she finally got her fist loose, "What do you know about me?! All you want to do is kill me!"

"No, Buffy," Spike shook his head, and Buffy registered with some shock that he had used her real name, "I don't want to kill you, pet...why can't you see that?"

Buffy shifted uncomfortably on her feet, remembering the way he had held her on the couch, spooned against her as he played with her hair, telling her about his childhood, painful as it was. And their anniversary...how much trouble he had went through to make it special for her...with no slaying duties...course, that blew up in his face, but he would have to get used to that...

She slowly lifted her head, feeling pinned beneath his gaze, like a bug beneath glass, "Why not?"

"Why not what?"

"Why don't you want to kill me?"

"Fair's fair, Slayer. I answered your question, you have yet to answer mine."

Buffy sighed, raking a hand through her hair, "I don't know, Spike...Riley's...well...he's Riley...I think I did love him...but...he's so jealous all the time...and you saw the way he was tonight...he's so protective of me. He doesn't understand that I'm the Slayer...that I do dangerous things every night...and if I had married him...he would have tried to make me stop...but I can't..."

"Slayer, take a breath," Spike said, reaching out and taking her hands in his, gently pulling her in front of him, looking up at her, "You're not made for normal, Slayer. You know this."

Buffy shook her head, "That's why Angel left...so I could have normal...I want normal, I do...but...you're right. I'm not made for it...I'll never get married...I'll never have a dog...no picket fences..." She laughed bitterly, shaking her head, as she looked down into his oh-so-blue eyes, "And I always fall for the wrong men."

If Spike had breath it would have caught in his throat as Buffy blushed deeply, jerking away from him and racing from the bathroom. He heard her bedroom door slam, and swore beneath his breath. He then glanced at the shower, and the slime coating his skin, "Bathe first...shag later..."

"Stupid...idiot...stupid, stupid stupid!" Buffy paced her room, pulling a face of annoyance when she heard the shower go on. "Damn bastard only did that to get in the shower first!"

/Hate him, hate him so much...stupid vampire, stupid, stupid vampire.../

She growled in frustration, shaking her head. She hated him! She hated the way he could always see past her lies. She hated the way he knew everything about her...almost everything...while he still remained a mystery. She hated the way he talked, walked and spoke! She hated the way he could speak the truth and know it was so. She hated the way he never lied to her and the way he could see through her...read her like an open book.

She hated the way he could push her buttons. She hated the way he had touched her, and said he loved her during Willow's spell. She hated being married to him. She hated being on the same planet with him.

She hated the way he looked at her with those unfathomable eyes and she hated the way he looked...all sexy and with his bad edge. She hated his shoes, his clothes, his coat and his accent! She hated the way he knew her, inside and out...understood her more then anyone she had ever known, Angel, Giles and her mother included! She hated him because he wouldn't change. She hated the way his cool skin had felt beneath her fingertips...silky smooth and hard. She hated the way he tasted and the way he had moaned in his sleep. She hated him for not telling her he hadn't been asleep.

She hated the way he massaged her feet in the limo. She hated the way he danced and she hated the way he kissed. She hated him for being so mean and hateful. She hated the way he fought, the way he bantered back and forth with her. She hated the way he could hurt her. She hated the way he had held her. She hated the way he laughed and she really hated his smile!

But mostly, she hated him for making her love all those things about him.

She lifted her head as the shower stopped, and waited for him to retreat to his bedroom before rushing out and popping in herself.

She tried to lose herself beneath the hot spray, trying to forget about the vampire living with her...her husband, her enemy. The man she had loved since the first minute she saw him, but hadn't realized it after Willow's spell, which had awakened feelings better pushed aside and forgotten.

She tried, she had tried so much. She was cruel to him...a bitch really. Especially when she had found out about his impending deportation, almost glad to be rid of him, since he wouldn't constantly in her life, reminding her of things she couldn't have...wanted, but couldn't have.

She felt the hot water sluice down her skin, washing away the stickiness of the demon's blood as she shuddered slightly.

She felt a blast of cold air as the shower door open, and then cool, strong arms wrapping around her waist, lips caressing the back of her wet neck, inhaling sharply, "Spike!"

"I fell too," He muttered in her ear in a low, husky whisper, and she felt her body responding simply to his silky purr as he reached over her head, grabbing the shampoo off the shelf, and then he turned her to face him.

Her face was flushed, her eyes wide, the sensible 'Buffy' part of her screaming at her to yell, shout, toss him out of the shower and stake his ass. But the 'Faith' part of her was already causing her eyes to travel down the smooth, hard flesh of his body, over his chest and narrow hips, to the hard, white cock nestled in a nest of black curls. 'Faith' part was currently beating the crap out of 'Buffy' part and telling her to concentrate on the feel of his fingers massaging her scalp, working the vanilla scented shampoo into her long hair. To look him in his dark eyes, the orbs surprisingly expressive instead of shut off as he looked at her with undisguised longing and.../love?/

"You..." Buffy swallowed heavily as he reached over her head, pointing the shower head at her to rinse away the shampoo, his cock inardvently bumping against her stomach as he stretched. "You what?"

"I. Fell. Too," He said teasingly, grabbing body wash next, and then he tilted his head towards hers, capturing her lips in a gentle, chaste kiss, in direct contrast to the way his hands were soaping up her shoulders, slowly moving down to her chest.

"I didn't..." His eyes dropped down to her chest, taking in the golden-tanned globes before raising back to hers, and heat suffused her face at the part-hungry, part-lustful look on his face. And then she arched towards him when he started to soap her chest, his cool hands running over her breasts, lightly and teasingly barely brushing over her nipples, which were already aching to be touched.

He brushed his lips across hers, "Didn't what?"

/Oh God.../his hands were moving lower still, and her stomach clenched as he gently massaged her abdomen. "Please..." She moaned softly, partly begging him to touch her, partly begging him to say it. She needed to hear it, hear it from his lips. He wouldn't lie to her...

As always, he knew what she was thinking as he muttered in a low voice, "I love you, Babs..." And then his hand was dipping below into her curls, tenderly combing through the stiff hair, his lips trailing along her throat as she dropped her head back.

He slid one finger inside her as he brushed his thumb against her clit, and smiled against her throat as she cried out sharply, bucking his hips towards his hand. He pulled her back under the warm spray, removing his hand, but before she could protest, he was down on his knees, holding her hips with his strong hands as he attacked her womanhood with his lips, teeth and tongue.

Soon, he had her writhing under his ministrations, and her sweet juices were flowing into his mouth as she cried out his name in orgasm. She would've slumped to the floor in the puddle, if it weren't for the blond between her legs holding her still.

Spike stood, kissing her deeply, his tongue briefly entangling with hers as he shut off the water, then lifted her into his arms. He started to cut across the hall right to her bedroom, then froze in the doorway, scowling. Buffy looked up at him in puzzlement as he suddenly whirled and headed to his room instead.

He was going to take her in /his/ bed, not the one she had shared with Sergeant Stiffy, not while he unlived!

Buffy squeaked as he tossed her on his bed. She sat up, glaring at him, then raised an eyebrow as he grinned wickedly before making a running leap at her with a loud growl.

Buffy shrieked as he landed on top of her, "SPIKE!" She laughed as he nuzzled her throat playfully, his fingers tickling her side. He rolled them playfully as she tried to fend off his hands with small giggles, then started to tickle him herself. The two blonds played and tumbled about the bed, laughing till Spike managed to pin Buffy beneath him, a wide grin on his face.

Buffy was panting lightly, her own smile shining up at him as he bent to kiss her, slowly deepening it, his tongue playing with hers as his body had just been doing. Buffy was surprised by the playful nature he had shown, exhilarating and arousing at the same time as his hands began to caress her still damp skin.

He trailed his lips along her throat, his tongue lapping up stray water droplets, feeling her skin jump beneath his lips as he ran them over her carotid artery. His hands cupped her breasts, thumbs flicking over her hard nipples as she arched herself towards him with a soft moan.

He smiled as he swept his tongue in the valley between her breasts before sucking a nipple into his mouth, worrying it with his teeth as his hand kneaded the neglected one.

Buffy cried out, holding his head to her breast as he suckled her, the sensations from her sensitive nipples sending bolts of electricity straight to her womb. He laved the same attention to the other one as his hand moved between them, finding her center, and he slid a single finger inside her to find her slick and ready for him.

He moved his lips to hers, kissing her deeply as he sheathed himself in her soft heat. He ripped his mouth away with a groan as her heat seared him from the outside in, eyes crossing as her tight passage clamped down on him, "Oh God..."

Buffy threw her head back with a gasp as he filled her, stretching her in ways that were almost painful, but were soon replaced by tremors of pleasures as she adjusted to his size. She wrapped her legs around his waist, arching her hips towards him, but he didn't move for several seconds, "Spike? What's wrong?" She asked, biting her lip in a self-conscious manner. /Oh God...what if he thinks I'm bad already?/

He focused his glazed eyes on her and read the look in them, "Christ Slayer...you're so...bloody tight and hot..." He said, his voice thick with lust, "'Fraid if I move, I'll come and it'll be all over..."

She smiled, tightening herself on him, eliciting a groan from the blond, "That's cheating, Slayer..."

She did it again, scowling, "Say my name," She ordered, and Spike dropped to her lips as he slowly, almost cautiously began to move inside her, his tongue sweeping into her mouth, silencing her as thrust into her.

"Now who's cheating?" She gasped out as he angled himself so that he hit her clit every time he slid into her, her hands digging into the hard flesh of his shoulders as she arched her body up towards him.

Spike chuckled softly, kissing her forehead, trying to keep a tight rein on his control, but was having a hard time of it. She was so soft and hot, her small, tight little body seeming to swallow his cock alive, and he was almost afraid it'd turn to ashes inside her, but nothing could make him stop. Her nails raked down his back, leaving welts as she pulled him closer to her, keening his name softly in his ear, her voice rough with passion.

Spike groaned again as he let his control slip a little and began to set a hard pace, slamming into her so hard their bodies rocked and she would gasp out in pained pleasure.

She felt herself coming closer to the edge and started to babble his name over and over again, pleading with him, but he ignored her as he continued his hard thrusts, moaning each time her inner walls clamped down on him. "Buffy...Buffy...my love..." he muttered near her ear, his back arcing upwards and she threw her head back as her orgasm slammed into her, making her body quake beneath his as she cried out his name.

Spike lifted her hips up, sitting up on his knees as he growled, slamming into her once more before she tightened around him like a vice, and white-hot heat shot up his shaft as he came deep inside her, his cold seed filling her womb, her name tumbling from his lips.

He slumped down on top of her, his head in her breasts as he panted for unnecessary breath.

"Wow..." Buffy breathed, "That was...wow..."

Spike chuckled, his cool breath breezing across her chest, making her shiver as she pulled his head up to hers and kissed him deeply as he moved off of her, not wanting to squash her. She curled up next to him as he pulled the sheets around them, and then wrapping his strong arms around her.

"I love you, Buffy," He murmured softly, kissing the top of her head, deeply inhaling her scent. She smelled deliciously of vanilla, sex and him, his scent coating her skin, claiming her as his.

"Love you too, fang breath," She replied, giggling when he growled against her hair and drew her into another kiss that left her breathless as he hauled her on top of his body. She straddled him, raising herself up and impaling herself on his already hard shaft, smiling down at him.

"I'm starting to see the benefits of vampire endurance," She teased as Spike laughed, pulling her down to him with a growl, "Like you wouldn't believe, wife o' mine," He said before crushing his lips to hers as they once again consummated their marriage.

Two Years Later

"I can't believe this is what all the fuss was about," Buffy pouted as she looked at Spike's papers, saying he was officially an American citizen, perched on her husband's lap. "I mean...it's not even green!"

Spike chuckled, lightly tickling her side till she swatted his hand away, her diamond engagement ring glittering on her finger. She shook her head as she tossed the packet on the end table near the couch, nearly knocking over a picture of her and Spike in Las Vegas the year before, when they had gotten a quick divorce...and then remarried ten minutes later. In the vampire's words, he wanted it without the 'gum-snapping and icy glares.' He even confiscated all the gum in her purse. She had been mad, but he had made it all up on their official wedding night. She grinned at the memories, a low, throbbing starting in her abdomen.

Spike was kissing her shoulder now, slowly pushing the spaghetti strap of her shirt down her shoulder. "Know what tomorrow is, Babs?" He asked, and Buffy smiled wickedly as she turned on his lap to straddle him, a knee on either side of his leg, "No...what's that?"

Spike gave her a light glare, but it didn't reach his eyes, which were twinkling mischievously. He glanced up at the painting over the entertainment center, a portrait of Buffy, almost nude, draped in a silk coverlet. The ones of her nude were hidden away in their bedroom. It was bad enough that Harris dropped by their home constantly, simply to drool over the paintings of her almost naked.

"Tomorrow, luv, is our anniversary," He told her, grinning as his hands slid up her shirt cupping her full breasts, and she closed her eyes as she arched towards him, "Is it? What am I supposed to get you?"

He grinned again as his lips grazed her throat, "We could...always send the tape we made last night to Peaches..."

"Spike!" Buffy slapped his chest, then smiled wickedly, "Whatcha get me?"

He reached into his duster pocket as Buffy proceeded to unbutton his silk, light green shirt. Once they had become an 'official' couple, the first thing to change was his wardrobe. He had come home one night to see a merry little fire burning in a metal trash bin, and Buffy holding his black T-shirts over it, a sheepish look on her face, trying to claim she was cold. He was so mad that she tried to make it up to him, resulting in her not being able to walk for a day...which effectively trapped her in his bed for the duration. He grinned at the memories, growing hard at just the thought of that day.

She was welcome to burn whatever the hell she wanted if that was the result.

He shook his head, clearing his head as he held up two tickets in her face, "First, we hit London...see me home town, since you're soooo bloody annoying with your questions 'bout me...then we cut across to Ireland, see Dublin, enjoy the nice pubs...then across to Paris, France...and whatever we find along the way. Rome, Athens, Prague...and wherever your little heart wants to go. Think of it as a belated honeymoon."

"Spike!" Buffy squealed, bouncing on his lap, making the vampire's eyes cross as he moaned, trying to still her before he exploded in his pants. She grabbed the tickets from him and cradled them to her chest, then stopped bouncing, pouting, "But I have Slayer stuff..."

"Not a worry," Spike grinned at her, "Faith's out on parole by then, so she'll be here to takeover, and Soldier-boy and Amy are pretty adept...not to mention the rest of the Scoobs..."

Buffy looked touched, "Riley said he'd do patrol for me?" She asked. She was so glad that her ex had moved on, and was glad that Willow and Tara finally de-ratted Amy. The two had been made for each other. Amy being a witch, ex-rat, and Riley being an ex-super soldier, both a little unsure of their place in the gang. They had found each other and were now engaged to be married the next August, before school started again.

"Yep, and the Watcher promised to keep me updated on all things Hell-Mouthy," He kissed the tip of her nose. "And I'm going to make sure there will be no slaying this time! The only vamp you'll be seeing is me."

"Oh, poo..." Buffy pouted again, "But you'll be naked and all horny and..." She stopped, cocking her head as she considered this, a bright smile coming to her face, "When do we leave? Can we go now?"

Spike laughed, pulling her down for another kiss. "I love you, Babs..."

Buffy giggled as her husband tumbled her down to the couch, playfully nipping her throat as he made love to her tenderly, her eyes closing blissfully. There was pretty much nothing normal in their relationship, and the closest thing she was going to get to a white picket fence was if she painted her stakes.

But as cried out Spike's name, she knew she would never be happier with anyone but her husband by her side, fighting, arguing, making love and making her laugh and enjoy life all the more.

Epilogue

Angel frowned as he opened the package, removing an unmarked video tape from it.

He glanced around the empty office before crossing to the TV and popping it in the VCR and pressing play, Spike's face filling the screen.

"Hey, Peaches...looks like the best man won...that being me. But don't worry...I'll be sure to be thinkin' 'bout you on our weddin' night, when I'm shagging the Slayer into unconsciousness," He wagged his tongue suggestively, "Can't say the same 'bout her, though...since it's /my/ name she'll be screaming..."

Angel shut the tape off when Xander started to laugh hysterically, rubbing his eyes wearily, "I hate that boy."

The End

Better Buffy Fiction Archive Entry

Green Card